Black Parenting : Relationships between parents and children.

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by rapunzal24, Nov 21, 2011.

  1. rapunzal24

    rapunzal24 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I don't have children, but I do have parents. My mother and I were having a conversation, and she used the children are always suppose to respect their parents rule. I totally agree with that, but if you are doing or saying something that I don't like, then I will let you know...in the most respectful way possible. Sometimes I feel as if it doesn't matter what I say, if I disagree with her, then it is being disrespectful. How do you guys deal with this? Some of you have children, how do you allow your children to communicate with you? Where does disrespectful come in with you? Is there a difference with them being an adult or a child? When have they crossed the line, and how do you handle that situation? Has your relationship with your parents been a guiding light towards how you handle things?
     
  2. Kyooms

    Kyooms Active Member MEMBER

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    For me it does have to do with age yes and also has to do with tone and being able to tell when your parents are open for discussion.

    All the kids in my family kind of earned the right to voice their opinion with age, even as a child speaking to another child, the older child has more say.
    I wasn't really expected to have an opinion when I was a kid, I grew up in a household where children were to be seen and not heard, you don't interrupt your parents when they are on a phone call, you don't speak in the middle of an adult conversation and you certainly don't disagree when you are told to do something, if you didn't like it then you can pout and hope not to get a slap, or just do as you're told.

    As I got older, around maybe 15 my parents became more linient, and I am not sure how I was able to tell they were, I just knew, but I was always still very mindful of the tone I took when I said something, no pouting, no walking away as I spoke, no eye rolling :) Just simply take a nice calm demeanor ask if they could explain something, or say I disagree and here is why. I think if you speak to your parents or anyone else with respect, the way you would like to be treated that should be a good indication of whether you are being disrespectful or not.
     
  3. skuderjaymes

    skuderjaymes Contextualizer Synthesizer MEMBER

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    Peace Rapunzal,

    That line that says, "always respect your parents" is not a singular charge to the child. It's also a charge to the parents.. it says, "always conduct yourself respectably".. and it says to outsiders, "always respect the childs obligation to respect his/her parents".. and further, "always respect the parents obligation to be respectable for their children".. it comes with a charge for every level.. personal, familial, communal, institutional.. etc.. etc..

    If your parent is a murdering bankrobber are you still supposed to respect them? The Bible says, "Honor thy mother and thy father".. skuderjaymes retorts, "Be they honorable!"

    -my 2 cents..
     
  4. Each1teach1

    Each1teach1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I totally agree. Respect is a two way street. My parents and grandparents were respectable people and I kind of grew up the way Kyooms spoke of except in some cases my grand parents (when I was at their home) expected me to be a part of certain conversations they talked alot about politics, history culture and of course the behavior of our people. Of course I didnt engage in grown folks private conversations even if it right out in the open (LOL). None the less parents have to act reasonable and respect their children's rights as individuals i.e the right to disagree with and ask questions about certain things. I have 2 children and I try not to come off as a bully because there is a difference between being a bully and a disciplinarian. When my 4 year old asks questions about certain things I explain why he has to do them the way I told him or why he cant have or do something, other wise he would have a limited understanding of things that he really should know about. Example, he might ask "why cant I have cake?" or "Why cant I watch tv right now?" I explain instead of just saying "because I said so" I hated being told that and was tired of hearing it as a kid, it made no sense then and it still doesnt today. Now of course I dont explain every single detail for everything because he obviously has a limited capacity to understand at his age. Even so, I believe in giving reasons for what I do and say because I have my reasons and not just because "I said so", how else are they gonna learn? This is why so many kids go to school with out a clue because no one took the time to explain anything they just tell em "cuz I said so" for everything. I had friends who had parents like that, just glad they werent mine lol.
     
  5. bitsy

    bitsy New Member MEMBER

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    Respect is like an attitude, it's the way a child says something. I don't think it's disrespectful to disagree with someone, even if it's child to parents, but people have to learn tactful ways to say things . . . it's an art. If a message is coming from a place of love and value, then I think it's ok.
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I agree with all above , it's not disagreeing but how you do it and in what tone
    when love is in the air and both open then it makes it more of a parent/child connection

    I been there as a child and as well a parent .
     
  7. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    as parents, we are obligated to teach our children how to communicate with others...including ourselves. i could tell my parents about anything...respectfully. my children could talk to me about anything...respectfully. disagreeing isn't disrespecting...unless done disrespectfully. there is an attitude of respect...just as there is an attitude of disrespect. at seven years old, my youngest son told me that he hated me. there was no yelling and screaming, no name calling, no pointing fingers. he did it respectfully...and i listened. in talking, i found out the root cause of his misdirected anger. but he never retracted the statement. and i was okay with that. a few years later, we were talking about how we felt about each other...and i reminded him that he hated me. he laughed and said, "Dad, you know i never hated you. i was just mad at you about some things i didn't like. but we got that straight."

    as grown men--34, 32, & 28--my sons are very respectful, not only of me, but of all adults...older than themselves. they still say "yes sir & yes ma'am." but they've always demanded the same respect. as a child, my middle son, Kenyatta, never liked being called a boy. and if you crossed that line, he would respectfully tell you what his name is. i've seen him give his name three times before going off. once, a neighbor--an older guy--crossed that line. when Ken finally went off on him--at nine years old--the guy looked at me and asked, "are you gon' let him talk to me like that?" i told him, "he told you three times that his name isn't boy...and he told you what his name is. if you want him to respect you...you have to respect him." he left my house without apologizing to my son--an issue that i later took up with him.

    my kids always knew i had their backs...as long as they were right. i still do. they respect me for that.
     
  8. info-moetry

    info-moetry STAFF STAFF

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    peace

    My son and i are so much alike that it's scary. But it makes it easy for their not to be any chance of any disrespect at the same time. My mother raised me to respect everyone until they give you a reason not to and even then you don't dis-respect them, you just leave them to themselves and move on. As i grew older, i received even more discipline in the art i was practicing and i have instilled that into my son, as has his mother has, though we haven't been together in years. I teach my son everything that i had no knowledge of until i was in my early 20's, but in steps or degree's.

    He has never shown me any disrespect, so i am very lienient with him and always have been, especially since he's been handling his bizziness in school and getting good grades. He knows what's on the flip side of that coin of respect, if he chooses to go down that road. When we are out and we see children being disrespectful with their parents i just look at him and he breaks out laughing because he knows that i am not having that at all, just like my mother wouldn't have let me get away with it!
     
  9. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I tell my Daughter all the time ... if i had it to do over again ... i'd never teach you to talk!

    She challenges me on most everything, and is quick to point out anything that looks hypocritical, untrue, or just not right!

    She feels she has a right to her opinion and short of never learning to talk, i don't see any way to stop her now!

    My Son isn't as determined to express his opinion, probably because he doesn't care enough about whatever we're talking about.

    Nope, he doesn't do this same thing like she does, but there have been quite a few moments when i regretted teaching him to talk too!

    Even though it's challenging for me, she really does keep me honest, and definitely holds my feet to the fire.

    In fact, i'd probably be much less accepting, tolerant, and understanding of other folk's life choices, if not for her.

    She makes me see things from different perspectives, and helps me realize when i'm being a bit overzealous with my opinion.

    It's not been easy to bear, but i am the one that taught her to talk, as well as making her believe she has a right to do so.

    Parenting isn't easy, and it's often such a personal sacrifice that most can't take too much criticism from anyone, let alone their children.

    To be fair, as well as teaching your children how to be open to their children, we have to be open to them.

    We gotta hear it ... even if it initially hurts ... for it won't last long, and the reward is great ... once the pain subsides ... :injured:

    If you don't think you can handle the pain ... don't do what i did ... and teach your children how to talk.

    Love You!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  10. Angela22

    Angela22 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I knew this feeling and knew it for awhile. My mama and I were so much alike, but whenever I disagreed, no matter what it was, whether opinion based or not, it always felt like I was being told I was wrong and flippant because I was her daughter and a child. Admittedly, I was an insolent child and teen, but not in every case, so I always felt like I was being dumped on. The experience did teach me though, that if I didn't want to be labelled as a child who always talked back and was wrong at every instance, I needed to learn to hold my tongue even if I felt I was certain I was right and my mama wrong.

    It was hard, because I was used to running my mouth, but steadily I was able to handle all things I was told humbly. I felt better and was thankful that I learned to listen, and whenever I disagreed, I felt respected on my point because I was better able to express rather than just going off.

    So I'd say, yes, the relationship we had has been a great factor in how I handle things; as I hold my tongue with whomever I meet and let them finish their discourse before I jump in. I don't feel a need to answer them word for word, and understand better now how some things are better left unsaid. I don't feel so compelled to hear myself speak anymore, but do enjoy nice dialogue from the person I'm speaking with at the time.
     
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