tips 4 red necks
n general
never take a beer 2 a job interview.
always identify people n ur yard b4 shooting @ them.
it's considered tacky 2 take a cooler 2 church.
f u hv 2 vacuum the bed, it is time 2 change the sheets.
even f u're certain that u r ncluded n the will, it is still considered tacky 2 drive a u-aul 2 the funeral home.
dining out
when decanting wine, make sure that u tilt the paper cup, & pour
slowly so as not 2 "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
f drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it w ur fingers covering the label.
entertaining n ur home
a centerpiece 4 the table should never b anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
do not allow the dog 2 eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners r.
personal hygene
while ears need 2b cleaned regularly, this is a job that shld
b done n private using one's own truck keys.
proper use of toiletries can 4stall bathing 4 several days.
however, f u live alone, deodorant is a waste of good $.
dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend 2 detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of her
finger foods.
dating (Outside the Family)
always offer 2 bait ur date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
b aggressive. let her know u're interested: "i've been wanting 2
go out w u since i read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom
wall 2 yrs ago."
establish w her parents what time she is expected back. some will
say 10:00 pm; others might say "monday." f the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility 2 get her 2 school on time.
the governors of alabama, south carolina, arkansas, georgia, &
mississippi announced 2day that they hv made a disturbing
discovery n their states. apparently, a small # of al qaeda
terrorists hv b/c romantically involved w local redneck girls.
the result is not pretty & they now hv the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: islamabubbas.
so far, only a smattering of actual births hv been reported, but
pat robertson's christian coalition is hard at work, along w billy grahm & jesse jackson, trying 2 isolate & seal them off. 2 date, the coalition has identified the following children:
mohammed billy bob abba bubba
mohammed jethro bin thinkin boudit
mohammed forrest gumpa bubba
mohammed rubba dub dubba bubba
bobbie joe bubba amgood atat
betty jean hasbeena badgurl
linda sue bin there dundat
not surprisingly, the coalition believes they all seem 2 hv
sprung from one couple:
mohammed whoozyadaddy & yomamma bin lovin.
how 2 change ur ol:
go 2 o'reillys auto parts & write a check 4 $50 4 oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner & scented tree.
discover that the used oil container is full. instead of taking it back 2 o'reilly 2 recycle, dump n hole n back yard.
open a beer & drink it.
jack car up. spend 30 minutes looking 4 jack stands.
find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
n frustration, open another beer & drink it.
place drain pan under engine.
look for 9/16 box end wrench.
give up & use crescent wrench.
unscrew drain plug.
drop drain plug n pan of hot oil; get hot oil on u n process.
clean up.
have another beer while oil is draining.
look 4 oil filter wrench.
give up; poke oil filter w screwdriver & twist it off.
beer.
buddy shows up; finish case w him. Finish oil change 2morrow.
next day, drag pan full of old oil out from under car.
throw kitty litter on oil spilled during last step.
beer. no, drank it all yesterday.
walk to 7-11; buy beer.
install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket 1st.
dump 1st quart of fresh oil n2 engine.
remember drain plug from step 11.
hurry 2 find drain plug n drain pan.
hurry 2 replace drain plug b/4 the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
slip w wrench & bang knuckles on frame.
bang head on floor board n reaction.
begin a cussing fit.
throw wrench.
cuss & complain.
clean up; apply band-aid 2 knuckle.
beer.
beer.
dump n additional 4 quarts of oil.
beer.
lower car from jack stands
accidentally crush 1 of the jack stands
move car back 2 apply more kitty litter 2 fresh oil spilled during step 23.
test drive car
get pulled over; arrested 4 driving under the nfluence.
car gets impounded.
make bail; get car from impound yard.
$ spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors hv 2 match!
$1000 bail
$200 impound & towing fee
total: $1337
couple of rednecks r out n the woods hunting when 1 of them
suddenly grabs his chest & falls 2 the ground. he doesn't seem 2
b breathing & his eyes r rolled back n his head. the other guy
whips out his cell phone & calls 911. he gasps to the operator, "i think Bubba is dead! what should i do?" the operator, n a calm soothing voice says, "just take it ez & follow my instructions. 1st, let's make sure he's dead." there is a silence, & then a shot is heard. the guy's voice comes back on the line,
"o k, he's dead."
n general
never take a beer 2 a job interview.
always identify people n ur yard b4 shooting @ them.
it's considered tacky 2 take a cooler 2 church.
f u hv 2 vacuum the bed, it is time 2 change the sheets.
even f u're certain that u r ncluded n the will, it is still considered tacky 2 drive a u-aul 2 the funeral home.
dining out
when decanting wine, make sure that u tilt the paper cup, & pour
slowly so as not 2 "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
f drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it w ur fingers covering the label.
entertaining n ur home
a centerpiece 4 the table should never b anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
do not allow the dog 2 eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners r.
personal hygene
while ears need 2b cleaned regularly, this is a job that shld
b done n private using one's own truck keys.
proper use of toiletries can 4stall bathing 4 several days.
however, f u live alone, deodorant is a waste of good $.
dirt & grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend 2 detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of her
finger foods.
dating (Outside the Family)
always offer 2 bait ur date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
b aggressive. let her know u're interested: "i've been wanting 2
go out w u since i read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom
wall 2 yrs ago."
establish w her parents what time she is expected back. some will
say 10:00 pm; others might say "monday." f the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility 2 get her 2 school on time.
the governors of alabama, south carolina, arkansas, georgia, &
mississippi announced 2day that they hv made a disturbing
discovery n their states. apparently, a small # of al qaeda
terrorists hv b/c romantically involved w local redneck girls.
the result is not pretty & they now hv the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: islamabubbas.
so far, only a smattering of actual births hv been reported, but
pat robertson's christian coalition is hard at work, along w billy grahm & jesse jackson, trying 2 isolate & seal them off. 2 date, the coalition has identified the following children:
mohammed billy bob abba bubba
mohammed jethro bin thinkin boudit
mohammed forrest gumpa bubba
mohammed rubba dub dubba bubba
bobbie joe bubba amgood atat
betty jean hasbeena badgurl
linda sue bin there dundat
not surprisingly, the coalition believes they all seem 2 hv
sprung from one couple:
mohammed whoozyadaddy & yomamma bin lovin.
how 2 change ur ol:
go 2 o'reillys auto parts & write a check 4 $50 4 oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner & scented tree.
discover that the used oil container is full. instead of taking it back 2 o'reilly 2 recycle, dump n hole n back yard.
open a beer & drink it.
jack car up. spend 30 minutes looking 4 jack stands.
find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
n frustration, open another beer & drink it.
place drain pan under engine.
look for 9/16 box end wrench.
give up & use crescent wrench.
unscrew drain plug.
drop drain plug n pan of hot oil; get hot oil on u n process.
clean up.
have another beer while oil is draining.
look 4 oil filter wrench.
give up; poke oil filter w screwdriver & twist it off.
beer.
buddy shows up; finish case w him. Finish oil change 2morrow.
next day, drag pan full of old oil out from under car.
throw kitty litter on oil spilled during last step.
beer. no, drank it all yesterday.
walk to 7-11; buy beer.
install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket 1st.
dump 1st quart of fresh oil n2 engine.
remember drain plug from step 11.
hurry 2 find drain plug n drain pan.
hurry 2 replace drain plug b/4 the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
slip w wrench & bang knuckles on frame.
bang head on floor board n reaction.
begin a cussing fit.
throw wrench.
cuss & complain.
clean up; apply band-aid 2 knuckle.
beer.
beer.
dump n additional 4 quarts of oil.
beer.
lower car from jack stands
accidentally crush 1 of the jack stands
move car back 2 apply more kitty litter 2 fresh oil spilled during step 23.
test drive car
get pulled over; arrested 4 driving under the nfluence.
car gets impounded.
make bail; get car from impound yard.
$ spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors hv 2 match!
$1000 bail
$200 impound & towing fee
total: $1337
couple of rednecks r out n the woods hunting when 1 of them
suddenly grabs his chest & falls 2 the ground. he doesn't seem 2
b breathing & his eyes r rolled back n his head. the other guy
whips out his cell phone & calls 911. he gasps to the operator, "i think Bubba is dead! what should i do?" the operator, n a calm soothing voice says, "just take it ez & follow my instructions. 1st, let's make sure he's dead." there is a silence, & then a shot is heard. the guy's voice comes back on the line,
"o k, he's dead."
... please make yourself at home ... 