Black Parenting : Raising the Son of a "No Good" Man

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by river, Jul 22, 2010.

  1. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    How does a mother strike the delicate balance?

    The son is ten years old. The father left his wife for another woman.

    Naturally the mother must avoid taking out her anger on the son. She can't present the father as your father the no good cheating lying fothermucking sleezeball. At the same time she can't cover for the man. When the boy asks why dad isn't around anymore she has to tell him the truth.

    What should she say?
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    IMO.........

    For one no matter the issues is/was between the two adults/party
    you never stream as child against there father, as growth comes they will see
    learn and understand of there father and the why.

    A mother should focus on asureing that her son don't become a copy like his dad
    by teaching him the true fibers and responsibilities , she should also point her anger
    to the court system where she can battle him for Damages /Support and Alimony.

    Next step when instilling the truth about his /child dad , she should be able to express
    and make it plain or comprehensible where the child could understand his absence.

    You never should bring a parent down before there child/ren
    as if you turning thy child against there parent in a sense of hate, often i've seen
    where it does a reverse turn around , what these broken parents need to do for the
    well being and best intrest of thy child/ren is not show them this anger nor un-common
    reaction but asure him they both are there for him even if they not under the same roof
    let the child know that dad had to now live elsewhere and not there anymore , but he
    love them and will always be there for them .
    Asure them that dad will be around and this goes with understanding of the two parents
    how they will care for this child beyond there break up due to one half cheating
    lying and going outside the home , too often families break up bitterly beyond fixing.
     
  3. Enki

    Enki The Evolved Amphibian STAFF

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    I was raised by my mother because my father for simplicity fits this bill. The best advice I can give is for the mother to tell the truth. We saw for ourselves and was able to arrive at the point we did in spite of knowing the truth. My father has 21 kids by several women and from what I can tell,we all felt the same way about him. IMO,you can't go wrong with the truth because I've seen the fallout from lying.
     
  4. Full Speed

    Full Speed Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    As Enki mentioned above, go with the facts. There is no need to build it up with the "no good cheating lying....." just relay the facts without covering for him. Do everything possible to place the child in the presence of men who are doing the right thing and who are meeting their responsibility.

    In my case, my biological was AWOL but what it made me do was to promise myself that I would NEVER have children that did not grow up under my roof. I have mentioned this here before, but I actually learned a lot about the kind of father I wanted to be from watching "Little House on the Priarie" I also had uncles who where family men whom I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time around as well as my grandfather.

    So, IMO, she should tell him the truth without passing on the bitterness. She should tell him that he should determine to avoid the same mistake or selfish actions of his father. I think he will get it.
     
  5. SophiaG

    SophiaG Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Tell the truth so your children can make informed decisions about their father.

    That's what my mom did when my dad walked out on us.
     
  6. Nameless

    Nameless Banned MEMBER

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    Truly this is a major issue within the black experience.

    Forgiveness, practicing forgiveness.

    Not just saying I forgive you, but finding it in your own heart to actually mentally let it go.

    A child is made up of "elements" from both parents.

    If the mother is able in her mind to delete the whole concept of "no good, lying... etc., and understand the programming that has gone into this effect, by her understanding the balance will activate, and cause a domino effect.

    Once a woman finds true value within herself, her capacity for forgiveness and love is overwhelming.

    It's hard to present the truth as to why dad isn't around anymore, because the truth is deeper then "left me for another woman"......

    we will our circumstances through our thoughts and intent, so once we recognize our own experience for what it is, and realize that a woman does have the power spiritually to transform perceptions, a natural effect on the surroundings is inevitable

    it begins with self and yields results

    you can participate in karma or increase aura

    The Goddess in us all, meaning the "female balancing element" has been purposely willed out of the writing of history, but in truth that essence is what provides balance, and if this wasn't the truth we would not witness such a lack of balance

    balance and equality are actually synonyms- but through language the meanings that have derived from that have purely taken on that of the male ego..

    a woman should never be servant to a man's ego, and such is the case when anger overwhelms a calculated intent and situation...

    If the child develops mom's anger as opposed to mom's (mind over matter) natural healing nature, in essence the battle for this child's soul is handed over

    it takes courage and strength to let go of a man who has pained you, but it is the woman that must initiate the "healing" process, as she is equipped with that power

    "knowledge of self"

    the woman is the "heart" of the "home"... the "center" of creation

    the heart provides the inspiration for every other action or organ that is motivated to operate....

    an understanding of the true value of self

    The consciousness the we give "birth" to is based on what elements we are capable of forming, mentally the sacrifice of any child (soul) is a direct selfish inconsiderate need and a crime against GOD's nature
     
  7. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    message in da music!




    M.E.
    :hearts2:
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister River ... Peace and Blessings,

    As someone else said, who shall remain "Nameless" ... :wink: ... the child is a product of both parents.

    If the Mother even fixes in her mind, that the Father is a "No Good So and So" ... then she should immediately and simultaneously fix in her mind that she has willingly chosen to lay down with such, thus making her child half of a "No Good So and So" with the other half not having any more sense than to lay down with a "No Good So and So" ... which leaves the child as what? A complete mess.

    It's an avenue the Mother simply cannot, or at least should not, even venture down.

    Or if she does go down this road, and honesty and truth are her quest, tell it all (to a child that does not have the capacity to understand / process any of it properly).

    Tell the child that he comes from a No Good So and So and a person that can't tell the difference between one. (I'm wondering, which is worse?)

    What is the purpose of telling any child such a thing? To ruin its life and image of its own self forever?

    No matter how "No Good" a Father may be, he is still half of that child (at least), a half that cannot be "cut out" of the child, no matter how much the Mother may try.

    I am a Single Mother, and even though my children's Father was not there, not doing what I wanted, needed, or expected ... he was no less a Father ... no less responsible for the creation of our child ... no less a circumstance of my own doing ... and I could not burden my children with my negative thoughts of him. I lifted him up, in spite of my personal disappointments. I encouraged my children to love their Father, even when he did things that made that challenging.

    Single Parents have the responsibility of bridging the gap, to the best of their ability, for that absent parent ... for the child's sake. At this point, it is not about the Mother or Father, but the child. Give the child some hope, lift them up (by lifting up those they came from). It may come to pass that the child learns for their own selves, that their absent Parent is a No Good So and So ... but it should be a determination that they reach completely on their own ... and one that the custodial parent fights against tooth and nail ... for to say their Father or Mother is a No Good So and So ... in essence, says the child is the same.

    Whatever you say about the Mother or Father, to a child, you are saying it about the child. They internalize it, and rightfully so. You're talking about their Momma and Daddy. It just doesn't get any deeper than that.

    Let the pain, hurt, disappointment go ... forgive them ... forgive yourself ... and do your best to build a solid, loving, nurturing environment for the child ... in spite of the No Good So and So and the person that didn't have sense enough to lay with them.

    None of that should be put on the baby ... absolutely none of it ... at least, no more than genetics have done.

    Great Question Sister River ... Love You! :kiss:

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. Nameless

    Nameless Banned MEMBER

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    Peace Sister Destee

    When one is considered "mother" of her creation, she would usually make the "right" decision for the safety of the "development" of that child's "mind"

    Thank you.
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Nameless ... Peace and Blessings ... Thank you for joining us and sharing!

    I agree wholeheartedly with you, and will go one further, both parents should act as you've described.

    There are many Single Fathers out here these days, and they too should do the same, for the sake of the child.

    Again, thanks for joining us and please make yourself at home, because you are!

    Much Love and Peace.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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