Black Parenting : Raising Daughters, Loving Sons

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by truetothecause, Mar 12, 2008.

  1. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Greetings All!

    I trust many if not all of us are familiar with the cliche:

    "Black Mothers RAISE their daughters and LOVE their sons?


    Was it ever and/or Is this still in effect?


    M.E.

    :hearts2:
     
  2. DreamGyrl360

    DreamGyrl360 Active Member MEMBER

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    I believe this was in effect. It may be in effect now, but I don't know because all my friends have girls lol. There's one with boys but she JUST NOW had a girl. So I can't compare it.

    I have a daughter and a son.

    They get the same amount of...um, discipline. Neither gets more or less than the other.

    Little boys need to learn to be men and I understand that but being lenient to bad behavior because "boys will be boys" is not an option to me.

    I feel like some black parents feel the need to:

    A) give a boy more leniency because he can't get pregnant while the daughter could; or
    B) spoil a boy because his daddy's not in the picture and the mother's feeling guilt.

    I know many black men my age and most of them are still living with their mothers with no intention of leaving.
    One guy I know DID leave -- but his mother paid his rent and his car note. Ridiculous!

    I'm 27.


    All we as black people have to do is stop it in its tracks.
    Don't allow it in your household!
    Because I need my son to grow up to be a full man.

    (No matter how adorable he is right now! *pinches cheeks* You so kurette!)
     
  3. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hotep and Thanks for Sharing DreamyGyrl360!

    Here's sending out vibrational energies (thoughts and loving feleings) that you achieve your stated goal. I KNOW you will Succeed!


    M.E.

    :hearts2:


     
  4. Keita Kenyatta

    Keita Kenyatta going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Sis, it's in full effect!!! Look at the brothers around you...a whole lot of them at 18, 19, 20 on up to their middle 20s are still kids in many ways. We can take this on back to the Willie Lynch papers. The brothers today are strong but weak. The sisters are independent and wise....and that's coming out of mama's house, so we know the process is still going on.
     
  5. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yes Brother Keita....I'm SURE it IS in full effect!
    And when I posted this, it was after studying the patterns and behaviors of the OG's, those in their late 40's, 50's and 60's.
    While listening to and witnessing the tactics of the mothers, the reasonings and justifications for what and how they and the males thier involved with do what they do.

    Yes it does go back to the Willie Lynch papers and the general Post-Traumatic Slavery Snydrome. Simply a Behavioral manifestation of same.

    Solutions anyone:?:


    IN Love and Peace....

    M.E.


    :hearts2:
     
  6. Jazzytude

    Jazzytude Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Solutions....yeah...."Get Back to Black"!!! The sooner we shift to this mode the sooner we will start to be happy with our selves again....OUR WORTH IS through MOTHER AFRICA.

    As a whole we have to know our communities and schools here in America, no matter how messed up they are, and Africa is where our responsibility and loyalty should be ...why? you ask...BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE YOUR FAMILY RESIDES AND HOPEFULLY where they will RETURN.
     
  7. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister True ... this is a great topic, one that i held a class on some time ago. I think i still have the recording.

    As a Black Mother of both a Son and Daughter, i have passionate views on this topic. I don't really have time to share all my thoughts right now, but i'm of the opinion that there was (and still is) a reason for why Black Mother's had to make differences (above and beyond the norm) in how they raised their little Black Girls and Boys.

    Briefly, i'll just say, historically ... it was our Black Sons they were waking from their beds at night, to hang.

    Now, it is primarily our Black Sons that fill their juvenile detention centers, prisons and graveyards.

    A wise Mother most usually will give the most care and concern to the child in the most immediate need.

    This system we live in, targets Black Boys / Men for annialiation. We see it everywhere. Black Boys / Men are under attack.

    I believe Black Mothers knew / know this and acted accordingly, in an attempt to save their Sons very lives.

    Now those same Black Mothers are being labeled as the problem (with no mention of the Father, i might add).

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  8. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Greetings Destee and

    Thanks for Sharing!

    There is no doubt in my mind that you have spoken on this topic and that you have much to say....with being an Afreekan/Black mother of both a son and daughter in such a times as these.

    It is very interesting the focus on "mothering" with limited views on "fathering" and the roles each play in shaping the BEHAVIORS of the children.

    Aside from the schools of psychological thought regarding parenting roles and outcomes on children, I wonder if now, one of the reasons "mothers" are the continued focal point (as opposed to fathers) is the "protection" afforded to the male/men who are the one's with the "greatest need" for protection :thinking: In the Afreekan/Black families that is.


    As they are seen as needing the greatest care and protection, and it was the mothers giving said care and protection, they[the men] are now protected from being responsible as fathers in the lives of their children.

    I can think of several senario's which has supported this current dynamic and of course, they will be along the same lines has you have presented. i.e. protection from lynchings and/or incarcerations many were sent up north for safety leaving behind the mother to raise/love the children.

    Seems we are now in a vicious cycle which has no end. Our men will ALWAYS need care and protection in this shystem of racism/white lunancy, yet, what do the women need:?:


    Destee, I have no problem with overstanding the reason's why Afreekan Mothers parent as they do/did. As a Afreekan Woman, I can appreciate the need to protect our men folk. At the same time, I realize that Afreekan Woman require LOVE, care and protection as well. Also, please KNOW, I am NOT BLAMING the "problems" on the mothers as I see how you all have NOT BEEN PROTECTED.

    And herein lies my greatest problem, care and concern. The un-balance of safety and security for the Afreekan male and female as it relates to raising, loving, protecting, responsiblity, dependency and independency. Education, motivation, participation in the formation and maintenance of a healthy family unit.

    The Christian faith [and just about every other faith as well] has and continues to teach and preach the MAN being the HEAD, divinely ordained to PROTECT the women and children....and that "god" looks out for and protects him. What happened:?: When those well cared for and protected males reach adulthood, they are ready to take their 'rightful place' as "head' of the household, yet, how does that adult female now let go in her role of "protector" of the Afreekan male and have a sense of security that he can now function in this role. He still lives under the threat of late night lynchings or incarceration, he is still a target who must be protected.


    As you can see, I too have much to say on this topic and KNOW that i've currently said too much!:zipit:
    just some thoughts which came up...as always....

    thanks for listening to me share...



    M.E.

    :hearts2:
     
  9. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister True ... you've made some interesting comments, thank you for sharing, making me think.

    Living in a system of injustice, as we do, and being the recipients of that injustice far more than others ... leaves us in dire straights. If it's not one thing we're trying to overcome, it's another. So many things contribute to the whole. With the economic opportunity being what it is, for the average Black Man, who's to say it is the source of the problem, or the way their Mother raised them. It's probably a combination of all that and more, that ultimately determines the end result.

    The imbalance you speak of, is created by this system of racism / white supremacy, not the Parents.

    Mothers have simply tried to save their Sons lives, without a lot of real thought, i'd imagine to the daughters in this same regard ... as the threat of loss of life ... is not as imminent for the girls, as the boys.

    My GrandMother told my Mother, that back when she and her siblings were growing up, white men would come into the house, yard, whatever, and take Black Boys. Accusing them of this crime or that, and when they saw their sons again, they were beaten or dead.

    Even today, Black Mothers are often left crying in court rooms as their Sons, are carted away in chains ... or they live in fear of this happening to their Sons ... every single day.

    Yes, i'd imagine that girls, who were not threatened as greatly in this same way, were put on the back burner ... told to go cook something, or take care of your other sibling, or do whatever is needed to support the Family ... while we try to save the life of the Son. And yes, there are probably negative consequences for these decisions that are far reaching, perhaps even manifesting themselves as i type.

    But what would you have a Mother to do ... not try to save her son's life?

    Black Men were the target as well. If that Black Father dared to stand up, protect, speak out for his Family ... it was surely death for him.

    This is what we've had to come up through ... and now that we're here ... right here ... we wonder why we have the problems that we do.

    We need a system where Black Boys and Men are treated just and fair, and at that point, Black Mothers will have no need to (overly) protect them, and can focus again on her entire Family more equitably.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  10. truetothecause

    truetothecause Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Destee....all you have spoken is no doubt TRUTH I share.
    I trust many KNOW it is all those things and more which impede on the progress of the Afreekan FAMILY. ALL of US together are locked in this shystem.

    I would suggest a SYSTEM where ALL members are treated just and fair and I sense this practice of "protecting" the men while shipping the woman off to handle the business is doing more harm then good....NOW

    It seems to have set the stage for their (the MEN) to float freely from Mama, my woman, my "friend", wife and back to Mama at will. In the end, SOME woman is going to protect and care for them regardless...cause....they are in the MOST need.

    How the flip are WE going to get out of this. And then I'm reminded of the talk which says "as a man thinketh", 'you bring this on yourself", "if you say they/you are weak or in need, then that is what you manifest",....etc, etc. etc...

    Oh if it were just that simple:qqb010:

    NO...WE KNOW it is about this SHYSTEM of racism/white lunancy which is the culprit...men and women alike KNOW this...yet...WE continue to focus on each other attempting to make each other the "problem" or the "solution".

    "If the black woman would just...."
    "if the men had or did........" becomes our mantra which THEY...the dirty demons...get a pass and continue their "mess-making"....and WE stay in the mix trying to clean up the.....mess!

    What to Do:?:
    1. Acknowledge the mess. Do not DENY the PROBLEM....and...call a spade a spade...it is a PROBLEM and requires fixing.
    2. Practice the tenets of the UICC or other means of healthy communication.
    3. BE Responsible for YOUR stuff..work on cleaning it up. Review what you have done, are doing and THINK DEEPLY about it...it is helpful? how:?: Is it hurtful? how:?:
    4. Continue to DEEPLY THINK about at least 90% of your moves in relationships. I say 90 to allow people room for " just fun" not serious ALL THE TIME. Thinking deeply means I analyze every move, decision, choice, interaction assessing the level of help or harm..the potential for help or harm and to what degree it will help or harm. This is before, during and after each interaction. For me...IT'S FUN...cause I get to learn ME! and yes...at times it's PAINFUL as all get out..yet..."no pain, no gain". "meh no fear no tear cause every tear can patch" (tanya Stephens).

    oh yes..one more thing...
    5. BE OPEN TO FEEDBACK! seek it, analyze it, try it on for fit....keep what you like and store the rest for later review or application.....Learn to Listen and Listen to Learn.



    Anywho...that's all for now.
    Thanks for sharing....
    ahhhhhhh one more thing
    My grandfather told me his story of moving from Ga. up north which was a direct result of white folk intent to kill him for standing up and being the man he is. He is now 96...alive and well! ahaaaaaaa..they did not get him:terrific:


    M.E.

    :hearts2:
     
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