Black People : Raising Black Girls Vs Black Boys--The Difference

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by Riada, Feb 17, 2007.

  1. Riada

    Riada Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I’m beginning to hear that black women need to raise their boys the same way they raise their girls since according to some people, black women are doing better than black men in this country. However, life is set up differently for black males than it is for black females.

    I’m happy to say that most black girls are still getting the message that they’d better get out there and ACHIEVE—no matter what. NO EXCUSES ALLOWED!! Black women must absolutely continue to drill this message into their black girls. Fortunately, this message about achieving ALSO gets constantly spread by other black females AMONG each other and we must continue to do that too.

    African American females generally don’t get respect from other black females when we don’t fight back or don’t achieve or when we continue to whine or complain. :laugh: In whatever station we’re at in life, we’re EXPECTED by other black females to achieve or win, somehow. Yes, black females will listen to each other vent and vent some more, but at the end, most of us expect that black female to bounce back up and keep on steppin! A typical black female tries to avoid other black females who constantly ONLY complain. Therefore, it’s difficult for a typical one of us to listen to males who constantly want to complain about how this or that ain’t right. We can listen to a grown male complain, but we want and EXPECT him to bounce back up and go out there and continue to fight and achieve too—just like we expect that from black females.

    Whereas excuses, complaints, blame and such are usually NOT tolerated nearly as much from black girls by many black mothers and other black women, generally speaking, all of these black women will accept excuses and such from black boys who often get stroked, patted, and pacified, when they try to shift their failure or problems in school or in life onto others. I see and hear this happening daily.

    Not only are many black girls not given a pass by their mother and other black females in their environment, it is the way that the message is transmitted that is so effective. In some cases, it’s the verbally brutal transmission of this message that makes it so effective. Since I talk with so many achievement oriented women in my line of work, I’ve begun to dig to find out how the message was transmitted. Imagine being told, “If you don’t get your education and learn how to take care of yourself, you’re going to spend most of your life on your knees in front of a man!” Or "You cannot depend on a man to take care of you!"

    However, the central message that keeps many young African American females on track towards achievement is that if they don’t achieve, they’re going to be stepped on or abused by EVERYBODY and they won’t have a choice but to accept that because NO ONE is going to rescue them. That part about not being rescued is the KEY. :eeek:

    Most of these young girls can easily confirm the truth of this warning by looking around them in their daily lives. Many of them see black women getting short-changed or mistreated in one way or another and no one is rescuing them. ‘Seeing is Believing.’ In general, many people don’t usually have much pity for a black woman who is a victim—for whatever reason. Instead, they usually blame her for allowing herself to become a victim. Contrast that with how a typical black male victim is usually thought to be the victim of racism. Therefore, some black women (and other women too), just like his Mama will stroke, pat, and pacify him in whatever way he wants. He is thus socialized to seek out someone to pacify him whereas most African American women don't believe that they will find anyone to accept their excuses or pacify them because they haven't observed or experienced this.

    So we have the situation that we have today: A typical non-achieving African American male believes that he can easily find some kind of woman to pacify or rescue him, and he knows that whereas his female counterpart doesn't believe that she can find that, and she knows that too.
     
  2. OmowaleX

    OmowaleX Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Interesting how no one bothered to touch this.

    How do you KNOW that "A typical non-achieving African American male believes that he can easily find some kind of a woman to pacify or rescue him"?!

    Do you associate with "typical non-achieving African American males in substantial numbers to KNOW this is what they BELIEVE?

    'Pacify or resuce him?'

    Really? Says WHO?

    When, at what AGE does this process begin?


    What are the factors which PRODUCE "typical non-achieving African American males"?

    For sure, this PROCESS is INSTITUTIONALIZED in the public school system, which has an Achievement GAP problem in which the "typical" 'non-achieving African American male is caught up in a FAIL CYCLE and who is it that represents the MAIN GROUP of Educators in this system? Women, and mostly white women in particular.

    So, if these males are caught up in a FAIL CYCLE, which produces an Achievement Gap who is "passifying" these males who are not "Passing" into the ranks of academic "achievement"?
     
  3. Riada

    Riada Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The typical "non-achieving" AA male CAN usually find a woman to pacify and rescue due to the number imbalance between males and females especially these days.

    I've even heard Black men right here on this forum talking about how this is why some Black males don't try to achieve--because good and decent women will accept or even prefer the thugs out there. The "thug" is however, just one type of "non-achiever," at least in the traditional sense.

    Also, this "pacify and rescue" message creeps into the minister's message sometimes, so some sistahs actually believe they can earn some brownie points with the Creator if they do pacify and rescue some of these non-achievers.

    I live near and go to church in a neighborhood where there is a large number of non-achieving AA males. I mingle with a lot of sistahs who are the cousins, girlfriends, mothers, wives, sisters, aunts, babymamas, etc. of these males. I even talk with males like this sometimes at the community center that's connected with my church. I know the ins and outs of their lives because the women who are close to them talk about what's going on. Also, at this center, they have NA and AA groups as well as a needle exchange program, and a food bank, so there is a steady flow of non-achieving males into this place.

    The Black community in many instances makes and accepts all kinds of "explanations" re Black males not achieving, but in many instances won't cut a Black female even close to the same amount of slack. I notice this constantly.

    I had no choice but to achieve because I knew that those "explanations" wouldn't be there for me. Most Black women know that we don't have a safety net because we know how much less understanding Black people are when it comes to Black female problems. Actually this has worked out well for some Black females because we know we can't expect to be rescued. We therefore try to achieve. It would be too simplistic to say this totally accounts for the achievement gap between black males and black females, but the widely different levels of expectations coming from our community alone is a significant factor IMO. The school system then adds to that.
     
  4. OmowaleX

    OmowaleX Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The one thing that your posts make absolutely CLEAR to me is the FAILURE OF THE BLACK CHURCH.

    This is just additional "affirmation" to me why so many folks here view the Black Church as a "unnecessary evil".

    As the saying goes, "Birds of a feather flock together."

    And what Black man-hating birds these are.

    Esp. the "man in the Pul-pit" pulling other Black men down, while taking them for what little they got.
     
  5. Riada

    Riada Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm certainly not in the defense business for the Black church or for any church or religious affiliation. My relationship is with my Creator. The church is an organization to me and I think it's better for any Black person, especially, to be affiliated with a well-organized organization for political reasons, because in numbers, there is power.

    I also think that instead of criticizing any Black institution, however lacking it is, it would be better for more Black people to develop other Black organizations and institutions that would do the job that some might think the Black church is not doing. IMO, things could be a lot worse if the Black church totally disappeared and it actually may because it is nothing now compared to what it once was.
     
  6. jgyknowledge

    jgyknowledge Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm trying to comprehend.....what EXACTLY are you saying?

    Are you saying that boys and girls are being raised differently, girls to achieve and boys to be 'moochers'?

    What is your opinion of why a 'typical non-achieving' African-American male is non-achieving?

    Just curious as to why you posted this topic and what your aim may be.....

    peace
     
  7. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Roles are reversed at times.
    I know alot of mothers who pacify their sons and daughters.
    Either way it will lead to being lazy,shiftless and dependent upon whoever can give.
    I have a few relatives(females) who dropped out of highschool.
    From ages 17 to 30 and they have always depended on their men.
    Having kids and baking cookies.
    Why?
    Because every mother does not believe in education.
    My grand mother never worked and my mother rarely worked a 9 to 5.
    I also know men who are still depending on the women in the family to come to his rescue.
    Or want to prove he can make it so much that he will do anything to do so.
    My cousins father was a hustler.
    My cousin is now one today.
    His mother pacified him as well but he always said mama " I'm a man."
    A few very close male friends always say hey that's my mama.
    She's always there for me.
    Even if the fathers are in the homes.
    Mostly only children.
    Very selfish and dependant.
    Thinking the world owes them something.
    I have never had support from my mother or father to be all that I can be.
    Not for education or a good job.
    Somehow today I have both of them.
    As for my siblings it's completely different.
    It's about what you want and need.
    What honest means you will go about to acheive these things.
     
  8. Riada

    Riada Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm saying or aiming to address what I said in my first paragraph.

    My OPINION is that ONE of the main reasons that AA males don't achieve these days at the rate that AA females do is due to the numerous "excuses" or "explanations" that the black community (males and females) makes for black males from very early on--NOT achieving or for making various mistakes. The white system, like the school system, then adds to that in various ways.

    Many people in every black community I've ever been a part of, read about or hear about seems to usually blame white racism directly or indirectly for virtually EVERY failing or mistake of many typical black males.

    In general, black females don't get cut anywhere near the slack that the males do and I've noticed this since the time I was a young girl. It happened in my family and in other families I've observed. Black females tend to be held responsible for their failings or mistakes most of the time, whereas the males are not--in many, many cases. This does not apply to ALL cases, but it's frequent enough to cause a pattern.

    Therefore, since we females realize that we're going to be held responsible in most instances for our failings or for whatever bad that may happen to us, and no one is likely to rescue us and there is no safety net, we tend to exert more effort to make sure that we achieve or prevent bad things from happening. Even most other black females EXPECT for a black female to achieve or somehow come out on top--at whatever station she's at in life. In other words, black people don't tend to throw a "pity party" for a typical black female and she doesn't usually expect others to cut her slack, and she's usually in for disappointment if she does.

    Whereas, many black males tend to expect other black folks to "understand" their plight or failings and cut them slack.

    For ex. I've seen this pattern often: if a black woman is attacked, beaten, raped, abandoned, etc. by a black man, most people tend to blame the woman somehow and say that she should have known better, or shouldn't have been with him or shouldn't have been in a certain place, etc. In other words, she should have done something different and that it's her fault. Whereas, if a black male is assaulted or shot or assaults or shoots another black male, the white man is often blamed.

    I think this sends the message to too many black males that if they don't achieve, they can blame it on someone or something else--mainly racism, when actually many times, it's mainly due to a personal deficit of some sort plus other factors.
     
  9. jgyknowledge

    jgyknowledge Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Okay....Your OPINION is your OPINION as you've stated. I was just asking you to further expound on your reasoning.

    If every Black community that you've been apart of has made an excuse for Black males....then I guess that's your experience. Or maybe those are just the surface reasons that you're picking up on, or seem attuned to, for whatever reason. MY experiences with Blacks and Black communities have led me to believe that we're not that shallow or that slow..... We know that the reasons our males don't achieve is because of how they're raised, or just from their bad decisions. I don't know anybody that makes excuses for grown asssed men not achieving. NOT ONE PERSON.

    White racism is EVERY Black person's problem, not just the men or the women.

    Also, don't underestimate the school system. But, that's another discussion.

    If you've seen gender bias in your family, then maybe you should point that out. It can only help future generations of boys and girls.


    I believe that a lot of kids are pacified male and female by their parents and that's the problem. I also think a lot of issues would be resolved it a boy has a strong father/male role model. Boys and girls are different in their emotional needs and I've seen far too many women trying to instill male bravado in their sons. Doesn't work.

    I'd also disagree with your assessment that we would blame a woman for being a victim of a crime, but not do the same for men. That SOUNDS ludicrous. If the people around you have this attitude, I guess that's your experience. But mine would be quite different.
     
  10. cursed heart

    cursed heart Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    So what is your solution?
    You seem to be somewhat of a feminist.
    There is nothing wrong with that.
    There is alot of truth in what you're saying.
    One thing we need to stop doing is pointing fingers.
    For men and women.
    You know this is going to turn into a man vs woman thing.
    We've been down this road.
    We are different creatures.
    The essence in nature are complete opposites.
    .
     
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