Black Relationships : Question for women:

Hi Nia ... interesting question. Actually, I find the way you posed it more interesting than the question itself. It seems the focus is the consequence (pregnancy) of the indiscretion, rather than the indiscretion itself.

There was a time when I would have responded like most before me (men & women's thread) and say that I'd immediately kick him to the curb, put him out, divorce him and never speak to him again. Ahhh, but I'm older now, seeing people as they are, human, prone to an occasional bad decision and error in judgment. Certainly there are some bad decisions more damaging than others, and having sex with another woman while married, would certainly rank right near the top of the list. But I think all things must be considered.

What is the relationship like, not counting this indiscretion? Is he sincerely sorry for going outside the relationship? Has he tried to make amends? Is he a good man that simply made a bad decision? Does he love me? Do I love him? Does he deserve (based on the relationship prior to this act) another chance? Does he realize the danger he put us in, by having (obviously) unprotected sex with another person? These are just a few of the things that would contribute to my course of action.

The fact that a child was born as a result of his act, would probably be the least of my concerns. The child is innocent and really has nothing to do with what happened.

Many women, for ages, have stayed with their husbands in spite of their occasional lapses in fidelity. I personally have never been through this but am willing to assume, based on the fact that so many women remain in the marriage ... that there is more to it than meets the eye.

I don't know what I'd do if in this situation.

Great Question!

:heart:

Destee
 
Originally posted by Destee
Hi Nia ... interesting question. Actually, I find the way you posed it more interesting than the question itself. It seems the focus is the consequence (pregnancy) of the indiscretion, rather than the indiscretion itself.

DESTEE, THAT IS A VERY APT POINT, AND I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM, AND APPRECIATE THE WAY YOU ARE LOOKING AT THIS. HOWEVER, THE FACT IS, WHEN HE CHEATS ABSENT OF PRECAUTION (CONDOMS, ETC.), THAT ONLY EXACERBATES THE DILEMMA, BRINGING A LOT MORE DRAMA INTO THE PICTURE. THE CHILD HIM/HERSELF IS NOT THE DRAMA, BUT HAVING TO CARE FOR A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR IS GOING TO POSE MULTIPLE PROBLEMS FOR THE FAMILY (INCLUDING ECONOMIC), THAT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN PRESENT HAD THERE BEEN PRECAUTIONS TAKEN.


There was a time when I would have responded like most before me (men & women's thread) and say that I'd immediately kick him to the curb, put him out, divorce him and never speak to him again. Ahhh, but I'm older now, seeing people as they are, human, prone to an occasional bad decision and error in judgment.

NOW IF THAT IS NOT A SERIOUS UNDERSTATEMENT (BAD DECISION AND ERROR IN JUDGMENT). OFTENTIMES, I HEAR PEOPLE REFER TO SEXUAL INDISCRETION AS "HUMAN". RESPECTFULLY, HERE IS WHAT I HAVE IN RESPONSE TO THAT SENTIMENT: LOVEMAKING IS HUMAN. THE INHERENT DESIRE TO REPRODUCE ONESELF IS HUMAN. BEING A HARLOT OR PANDERER IS NOT "HUMAN", AS BEING HUMAN MEANS HAVING AN ABILITY TO EXERCISE A GREAT DEAL MORE SELF CONTROL AND MORALS THAN NON-HUMANS OR BEASTS. IT IS NOT A "HUMAN" CHARACTERISTIC TO BE UNABLE AND/OR UNWILLING TO EXERCISE CONTROL OVER ONE'S MOST BASE INCLINATIONS.

Certainly there are some bad decisions more damaging than others, and having sex with another woman while married, would certainly rank right near the top of the list. But I think all things must be considered.

INCLUDING, "WHY ARE WE TOGETHER IF HE IS NOT DEVOTED TO ME?" ?

What is the relationship like, not counting this indiscretion? Is he sincerely sorry for going outside the relationship?

DOUBTFUL. PROBABLY SORRY HE GOT CAUGHT OR THAT IT BACKFIRED.

Has he tried to make amends?

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Is he a good man that simply made a bad decision? Does he love me? Do I love him? Does he deserve (based on the relationship prior to this act) another chance?

AFTER HE WENT AROUND DECEIVING NOT ONLY YOU, BUT THE OTHER WOMAN INTO BELIEVING THAT YOU OR SHE WAS MORE IMPORTANT? HE PROBABLY TOLD HER HE WANTED TO (OR PLANNED TO) LEAVE YOU. PROBABLY TOLD HER DISPARAGING THINGS ABOUT YOU, WHETHER TRUE OR FALSE.

Does he realize the danger he put us in, by having (obviously) unprotected sex with another person?

REALIZE??? APPARENTLY THE RASCAL DIDN'T GIVE A SNAP.

These are just a few of the things that would contribute to my course of action.

The fact that a child was born as a result of his act, would probably be the least of my concerns. The child is innocent and really has nothing to do with what happened.

NEVERTHELESS, HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO THAT CHILD WILL MOST DEFINITELY SUBTRACT FROM HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. OF COURSE IT IS NOT THE BABY'S FAULT. BUT *YOU* WILL BE PAYING FOR THE ADULTERERS' POOR JUDGMENT FOR THE NEXT 18+ YEARS.

Many women, for ages, have stayed with their husbands in spite of their occasional lapses in fidelity.

POOR THINGS. THEY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE BACK THEN.

I personally have never been through this but am willing to assume, based on the fact that so many women remain in the marriage ... that there is more to it than meets the eye.

YEP. MORE DEPRESSION, MORE MISERY AND MORE CANCER. UNNECESSARY SYMPTOMS OF THE CHRONIC NEED TO SELF-PRESERVE RATHER THAN ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE USED AND ABUSED AND UNAPPRECIATED.

I don't know what I'd do if in this situation.

Great Question!

I THANK YOU KINDLY. AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE.

:heart:

Destee
 
Good Morning All

Knowing your man is/was unfaithful is very painful and unforgettable. Add a child to that mix.....makes it 10 times more painful...you have so many CONSTANT VISIBLE reminders. (if you remained with him)

Nia named a few, paying for his lack of self control for 18 + years...which will probably feel more like a lifetime.

If we have children...at some point they will have questions about the child... then I'll find myself reliving that painful period explaining... why they have a half brother/sister.

I would not want to deprive the child of a father, after all he/she is also a victim in all this. And that would mean my husband having CONSTANT contact with the woman he (so easily)betrayed me with.... I would probably CONSTANTLY wonder if they are still sexually involved (if I remained with him) That would be too much headache and heartache.

What it all boils down to....I can not accept an unfaithful man with or without a child involved...My opinion..if a man can not be faithful to his woman, he does not love her. unfaithfulness is a choice. My choice? Faithfully ask him to leave.


Nia, It's nice to read you again :) I like how you separated this question between the sistahs and brothas....I think we'll receive a clearer perspective of the replies. Thanks


CCBSKYN :heart:
 
Originally posted by Nia Maishani
POOR THINGS. THEY DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF A CHOICE BACK THEN.
In response to the above Nia, I'd like to point to Mrs. Jesse Jackson. Such things have happened many times, for ages, including today. She is by far, not the only woman dealing with a like situation. We could assume that these women are weak, have low self esteem and a number of additional undesirable characteristics, for choosing to remain. But I think too, that we could tilt our view a bit and also see some extraordinary strength and resolve in them.

Women have more often forgiven such indiscretions than men, opting to remain married. I don't know what motivates them or how they reach their decision.

It's relatively easy to say what one would do in a hypothetical situation ... or while on the outside looking in.

Destee
 

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