Poetry Critiques : Priceless

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by BioRhythm, Jun 6, 2005.

  1. BioRhythm

    BioRhythm Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Priceless


    We began our journey not knowing what we perceived,
    both knowing what we wished to achieve....
    I saw hope in your beauty,
    Your thoughts on my mind,
    I saw love’s integrity,
    Your thoughts all on time.

    We began filled with delusion
    presuming how the story would go,
    but the truth of it is we could never know.....

    Our love began strong,
    as deep as the seas,
    though our separation was long,
    we knew it was meant to be.
    To our interval we gave not a thought,
    knowing that we could never part...

    Yet as time passed on,
    we could no longer hold on
    our strength failing,
    just an old, worn out song...

    For our future we fought,
    never giving a passing thought
    to the end of the road,
    for love was all we sought.

    Yet no matter I strength
    we could not hold on,
    our passion becoming,
    just a worn out love song....

    For as time passed
    our love faded fast,
    for our love wasn’t worth...
    The price of gas....

    I’ve learned my lesson,
    I hope you’ve learned as well..
    That Love has no price...
    Otherwise you shall fail.

    :argue:
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    the concept was there and it flowed like a priceless gem
    A1 poem .....with no flawz
     
  3. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is a very nice flow. The concept did stay on course. Love is priceless...
     
  4. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hello Bio :) and welcome :wave:

    I havent had the chance of really saying hello :) and I wanted to do that :)
    I do hope you enjoy it here...and welcome home :)
    Now on to your poem :) :read:
    I loved the concept of reminding someone of the irreplaceableness of "LOVE"
    But there were a few things that deterred me from focusing on the potential of a good piece. The Rhyme scheme seemed a little scattered. One of the biggest things that helps for me is reading something OUT LOUD after you have written it down. There is a therapeutic energy to putting your words to life when you make them AUDIBLE, even if you are the only one there.

    When I read your piece out loud my appreciation is stuttered because I start to REALLy get into the rhythm but the rhyme scheme slows up or seems to get lost as the poem gets deeper into its concept.

    I love how start each stanza with how things began because it illustrates the change and comparison that is the theme of this piece. The beauty of poetry is that SO many can write on similar subjects and yet it will all be so different. This piece/peace makes me think of that :)

    Some parts for me were a little wordy so much so that I had to slow my reading so that I didnt miss the lessons that lay in waiting :read:

    But of course :) that is this one sistahs voice...I wish your poetic voice all the success...I could never be a poet but I love the art :grouphug:
     
  5. BioRhythm

    BioRhythm Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you... I really appreciate your comments... I have been writing for a very long while now... and you are the few that i have come across who accurately critiqued one of my poems.... yes i found the rhythm.. to be unstable... Yes i am also known for being wordy.... My english teacher many times commented upon that...

    the reason the rhyme scheme is so botched is because i wasn't sure where i wanted to go or what i was saying.... I just wrote.... and when i was done i posted... didn't check it.. didn't read over it... its just a reflection of my confusion that night.....

    and thank you I have come to feel somewhat welcome....
     
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