Black Relationships : Pre-Relationship Expectations of Black Men

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by NyneElementz, Sep 24, 2011.

  1. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Fellas, I would like to ask you a few questions that may be a bit personal. This thread is meant to offer us men a chance to express their core beliefs regarding women and to offer the ladies a chance to inquire about those beliefs to be enlightened and a bit more empowered to be better partners in black relationships.

    All I ask is that the dialogue is honest, respectful, and as loving as possible. I think we can all agree that we all want black love to be better and held in higher regard. Here we go.

    1 - Name three qualities that a woman must possess if he is interested in dating you and why those qualities are important to you.

    2 - What three qualities in a woman would cause you to reject the idea of dating him?

    3 - Name three important things you expect to happen in a relationship (marital hopes not included) and why they are important.

    4 - Name two ways you can tell a woman is a real woman and how those two things tie into your belief of what a real woman is.

    5 - What is your belief about relationships and money? Where did you learn that belief?

    6 - What is your belief about sex in relationships? Where did you learn that belief?

    7 - What is your idea of a good relationship? Where did you learn that idea?

    8 - What is your idea of a good marriage? Where did you learn that idea?

    9 - Under what conditions in a relationship would you expect marriage to become an upcoming reality?

    10 - What two negative traits would you consider overlooking for the outweighing positive traits or working with a sista to overcome? Why?

    11 - What two negative traits do you possess that you want a woman to be able to acept or work with you to overcome? Why?

    Finally...

    12 - Name two things a woman can do in a relationship and in a marriage to make you feel completely secure in them.

    Brothas, I know that your answers will be interesting and I look forward to us giving much insight to our sisters.
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Interesting.........I'll come back to this because i do look for things in a woman/mate
    and they are dear to me when making such choices, honestly there are some things
    i will leave unknown for my personal and emotional status.
     
  3. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'll go first:

    1 - Name three qualities that a woman must possess if he is interested in dating you and why those qualities are important to you.

    1-Honesty. If I can sense that there is honesty in you, that makes it easier for me to trust you. 2-Unselfishness. A willingness to be open, flexible, reciprocal, and appreciative of simple things is something I deeply appreciate. 3-Flexibility, particularly the lack of will to group me into the same categories that men of your past are cast into. An attitude of hopefulness is attractive, whereas anattitude of prejudgment is not.

    2 - What three qualities in a woman would cause you to reject the idea of dating her?

    1-Dishonesty. I know that you're trying to make the sale, but honesty will sell you better than a front will. A lie is a clear signal that you cannot be trusted. 2-Selfishness, especially high-maintenance selfishness. I'm working towards a dream, working, and making sacrifices, too, andthe last thing I need is someone trying to build herself up while not caring about tearing me down. 3-Rash Judgment. Not allowing me to start on a clean slateis like telling me that there is a great standard of perfection I must live up to, and I'm not into setting myself up for failure.

    3 - Name three important things you expect to happen in a relationship (marital hopes not included) and why they are important.

    1-I want us to acknowledge our commitment to each other, so that we can become comfortable with practicing thinking about what is best for our relationship. 2-I want more communication about dreams, hopes, fears, and plans. It opens me as both listener and leader, helping me to know someone I will ask to follow me comepletely one day. 3-I want us to be able to pray together more. A spiritual connection is crucial to me when it comes to making a relationship work.

    4 - Name two ways you can tell a woman is a real woman and how those two things tie into your belief of what a real woman is.

    1-If we can talk about money in terms of the two of us building a vision as opposed to what I have to give her to keep her happy. Happiness in a relationship, I believe, comes from us achieving our goals. 2-If we can handle conflicts and find agreements in ways that do not jeapordize our relationship. I don't mind disagreeing, but I don't ever want to feel like I no longer have a companion, friend, and love just because of a light disagreement or because of a compromise that we do not really agree on.

    5 - What is your belief about relationships and money? Where did you learn that belief?

    I believe that relationships should be a mutually beneficial situation where two people create a lifestyle of looking out for the best interest of the unity of the relationship. I learned that belief from The Bible and from six elder black married couples who managed to keep the love and friendship going for 20+ years.

    6 - What is your belief about sex in relationships? Where did you learn that belief?

    I now believe that sex should wait until marriage. I have experienced how sexual activity corrupts the heart to make it selfish. I believe that God didn't say "sex in marriage only" to ruin or deprive us from all the fun, but to keep us protected from all the heartaches that could be involved. I learned that from the Bible and counseling sessions with my pastor.

    7 - What is your idea of a good relationship? Where did you learn that idea?

    My idea of a good relationship is the joyful and trust-building practice of looking out for each other's best interests in all areas long before marriage, while building an invincible underlying non-sexual intimate frienship. Learned it from the bible, meditating on Proverbs 17:17 specifically.

    8 - What is your idea of a good marriage? Where did you learn that idea?

    Marriage is an all-inclusive intimate relationship that strengthens the integrity of the bonds of trust, love, friendship, and the utmost acceptance of a person, while building hopes, dreams, and plans, working toward a united future, a lifestle of loving, sharing, sacrifice, and unityin all things. I learned that from the marriage scriptures in the bible.

    9 - Under what conditions in a relationship would you expect marriage to become an upcoming reality?

    Marriage would be an expectation upon being secure in a relationship for 5+ years and us going through at least 1 year of successful marriage counseling.

    10 - What two negative traits would you consider overlooking for the outweighing positive traits or working with a sista to overcome? Why?

    1-weight gain. I would hope that I'm not stressing the sista I love, but if by no fault of her own, she picks up 35 to 75 pounds, I will stand by her - even help her with her weight loss plan. 2-lack of self-confidence. I will always remind her that she can do anything she setsher mind to, that my love won't be easily taken from her or tainted, and that she is important to me.
    11 - What two negative traits do you possess that you want a woman to be able to acept or work with you to overcome? Why?

    1-Tendancy to overdo imprtant things out of nervosness. I'm a bit of a nerd and when I make a plan, sometimes, I think that it has to go perfectly or it will fail. That tunnel vision trait of mine is annoying but I tend to do it without realizing it. 2-Need for reassurance. I hadn't had a lot of positive reinforcing coming up, but I do everything I can to do whatis best.

    Finally...

    12 - Name two things a woman can do in a relationship and in a marriage to make you feel completely secure in them.

    Relationship:
    1-Be a committed prayer partner.
    2-Plan trips and major dates together.

    Marriage:
    1 - Pray together
    2 - Plan and work the budget together.
     
  4. Black-king

    Black-king Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    !) first She must follow and obey the word of God, second She must love me as she love herself, third see the first 2 .

    She hates the laws of God and don't apply them to her life, that covers the rest of the remaining 2 answers.

    We are spiritually connected, We are mentally bonded, We are physically attracted to each other.

    The way she reacts when she deals with adversity, the way she interacts with her close friends and parents.

    Money is a necessity, just a mean to help support the relationship, The Bible 1Ti 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

    Sex i s enjoyable and a meaningful. You shouldn't abuse it nor neglect it. The Bible Gen 1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: 1Co 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

    A good relationship is one that is based on love and the laws of God. The Bible.

    A good marriage is one one that is like Christ and the Church. The Bible eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
    Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
    Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
    Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
    Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

    We love each other and we both are in one mind under God.

    If it doesn't go against the word of God, I may overlook as long it won't be a trait can potential be destructive ot the relationship.
    None, all my flaws can be fixed with the word of God not by a woman.

    Finally...

    12 - Name two things a woman can do in a relationship and in a marriage to make you feel completely secure in them.

    1) Keep the laws of the Mosh High God.

    2) Be true to herself.
     
  5. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Any other brothers willing to express the things they really want and think totheir sisters?
     
  6. legit-writer

    legit-writer Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    they must be shy because no one is stepping up... smh
     
  7. NyneElementz

    NyneElementz Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The same way I gave you ladies the benefit of the doubt when one of the brothers challenged you the same way on a similar thread, give the rest of the guys a chance to respond, please.

    Besides, if nothing else, two men DID step up to the challenge already.
     
  8. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    SORRY for my tardiness.:)

    1. name three qualities that a woman must possess if she is interested in dating you…and why those qualities are important to you.
      1. intelligence
      2. desire to better herself
      3. self-respect
    I want a woman. If she’s not a woman, I don’t need her.

    2. what three qualities in a woman would cause you to reject the idea of dating her?
    1. dishonesty
    2. ignorance in her behavior
    3. lacking in character
    three behaviors
    a. illegal drug use
    b. smoker/heavy drinker
    c. lack of self respect

    3. name three important things you expect to happen in a relationship (marital hopes not included) and why they are important.
    1. monogamy – I don’t share
    2. respect for me and my role within the relationship—without that, the relationship cannot move forward.
    3. Trust/honesty—if these things are unavailable, we cannot have a relationship,
    4. Sex—it’s the natural progression of things within an intimate relationship.
    4. name two ways you can tell a woman is a real woman and how those two things tie into your belief of what a real woman is.
    1. I believe in types of women—all women are real women…it’s just that one type of woman may not mesh with my needs…or the type of man I am
    - a woman should carry herself like a woman at all times…and not just when it’s convenient
    - my woman is my woman. I don’t share

    5. what is your belief about relationships and money? Where did you learn that belief?
    I believe that money, within a relationship, depends on the couple involved. In my relationship, our money goes into joint accounts. From those accounts, we handle our business. Neither of us needs permission to access the accounts…but if any large sums are withdrawn, that’s discussed beforehand. That works for us. However, I have been in relationships where my money was my money and her money was her money. She had her bills and I had my bills…and we took care of our individual bills…whatever they were. Either way can work, as long as you’re responsible individuals.

    6. what is your belief about sex in relationships? Where did you learn that belief?

    Sex within the relationship is dependent on the couple. Within the marriage, my beliefs are biblical. Outside the marriage, I’ve enjoyed sex in numerous relationships. I believe a man and a woman have the right to consensual sex. I don’t believe sex should be used as a tool for control within the relationship. I don’t believe that either should be denied sex just because someone did something that the other didn’t like…or that they had an argument, so sex is out.

    7. what is your idea of a good relationship? Where did you learn that idea?
    A good relationship is one that meets the needs of the individuals involved…in an harmonious and loving way. It’s enjoyable. It’s exciting. It keeps me wanting to be there. yes, it requires work. Mostly, it involves KNOWING your mate…and what that person requires…to be happy. It involves you providing those things for that person…to ensure that that person is happy WITHIN the relationship.

    8. what is your idea of a good marriage? Where did you learn that idea?
    A good marriage is a relationship that meets the needs of the individuals involved…in an harmonious and loving way. A marriage is a relationship. Just because you have a legalized document doesn’t change the fact that it’s a relationship. It’s the responsibility of the people involved to ensure that the other is happy.

    9. under what conditions in a relationship would you expect marriage to become an upcoming reality?
    I don’t think marriage should be an issue until both parties want to go there. I don’t think a time limit should be placed on it. I don’t think that either should be expected to go there just because it’s what the other wants. If given an ultimatum, I would walk away…if it wasn’t what I want. However, if I could see myself with that person, at some point in the future, I would suggest a later date…or discuss that possibility. If she wasn’t going for that because it’s already been five years and her clock is ticking…I would let her go. NOT EVERYONE HAS MARRIAGE IN THEIR SIGHTS.

    10. what two negative traits would you consider overlooking for the outweighing positive traits or working with a sista to overcome? Why?
    In getting to know someone, I try to discover those negative traits…and determine whether or not I can deal with them. (I DON’T BELIEVE IN TRYING TO CHANGE ANYONE. IF I CANNOT ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE, I DON’T NEED THEM AROUND) if I determine that I cannot accept those negative traits, I’m out. It’s not about overcoming anything. A woman IS who she IS…negative traits and all. Yes, she might work on something that you don’t like but, usually, it shows up down the line. Which only leads to one argument after another. I’m not an ARGUMENT type of person…and I try to avoid things that will only lead to them.

    11. what two negative traits do you possess that you want a woman to be able to accept or work with you to overcome? Why?
    Selfish
    Arrogant

    I am who I am. If a woman wants me, she has to accept me as I am. I DON’T CHANGE. I’M NOT GOING TO AGREE TO CHANGE. I’M NOT GOING TO TRY TO CHANGE. I like me just as I am. If she doesn’t like me for me, she needs to find someone she can like for who he is…without trying to change him into who she wants him to be. GET TO KNOW ME. IF YOU DON’T LIKE ME, GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A CHANCE TO.

    12. name two things a woman can do in a relationship and in marriage to make you feel completely secure in them.
    Trust me
    Support me (stand by me)
    Respect me

    There are a million things that I could name, all just as valid as these. Primarily, I have to show a woman that she can trust me, that she have reason to support me, and that I deserve her respect. If I’ve shown her these things, and she’s demonstrated that she’s up for the task, I’m secure in the relationship. If that changes every time someone comes along with a different story about me, I’ll have issues with her.
     
  9. Gorilla

    Gorilla Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Compassion – It's a superset of a lot of desirable characteristics.
    A well-developed sense of humor. It helps one cope with everything from hard personal times to differences between your fellow man.
    Curiousity – A basic curiosity of the world and things in it is a beautiful thing when it comes with a willingness to learn.

    This isn't a complete list, but three are not being well-adjusted, being too religious, and schadenfruede.

    I expect it to take effort to make things work.
    I expect us to encounter trying times.
    I expect us to recognize that our time together may be limited for a number of reasons (one of us may change in ways that are unsuitable, misfortune, mistakes etc).

    They're in no particular order, and the why should be somewhat obvious.

    For me, it's more important for people to try to be a decent human being and to have a working model of personal accountability in some areas of life. I don't really care about the notion of a “real” man/woman.

    Stress can break relationships because everyone has a breaking point. Unfortunately, having money doesn't provide any protection against this and it seems to be worse for people who aren't honest about how much they care about money. I learned this from observation.

    Sex can enhance a relationship, but it shouldn't be the glue or foundation. I think people should also be free to have consensual sex (within reason) with whoever they like whether they're in a relationship or not. A personal relationship with the concept of sex should be healthy, but it in the words of Stephen Fry it's a primary driver that could be dangerous without care.

    One I feel content in. I have no expectation of perfection. It's just how I think and what I want.

    See above.

    If it's the natural progression of what we have now, that's fine.

    I'm not sure I'd necessarily consider them negative or need overcoming but I can think of two things:
    Not being obsessed with her personal appearance every waking moment.
    Differences (in beliefs, culture, language, taste in movies, music, etc). This definitely isn't negative or need “overcoming”, but I recognize that this requires being willing to be open and to put in effort.



    It's hard to say. I'm sure I probably have a lot more than two, but deciding what's negative will depend on expectations of the other person. I don't think If it's something they can work with, that's cool. If it's something they can't, that's cool too.

    Display some of the qualities that made decide they were right for me in the first place.
     
  10. Shikamaru

    Shikamaru Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    These questions are tough. I've never really thought about this .... LOL.

    a) Intelligence. This doesn't mean she has to have a degree.
    b) Fun-loving.
    c) Classy and cultured

    a) Wasteful particularly with money
    b) Drama seeking.
    c) Closed minded

    * Addendum
    d) Drug user including alcohol and cigarettes.
    e) Negativity
    f) Status seeking

    a) Mutual respect
    b) Communication
    c) Reasonableness

    a) She has her own thoughts on matters
    b) She is comfortable with herself and her being.

    It is my responsibility as a man to provide for and protect the household both physically and economically.
    I learned this partially from my father and also from studying law, political economy, and history.

    We should use Tantric or Taoistic practices in our sexual relationship. I learned this from studying Tantra and Taoism.

    A good relationship is stability and security in the home and in one's heart. This is my opinion/perspective on things. My life, for the most part, is pretty hassle free.

    Honor your vows. Honor your mate. Safety and security for my mate, our offspring, and our property. I learned this from studying law and history.

    When I have my economic game on lock. Getting very, very close.

    This is tough:

    a) Difficult life situation
    b) Financial problems

    If the person is willing to change as well as put in the hard work to change behaviors, I believe anyone can change for the better.

    a) Not very emotive
    b) I'm extremely headstrong, tenacious, and can be overbearing at times. I'm mellowing out though due to age.

    All my negative traits can be altered by me.

    a) She continues to deepen and grow in her self and femininity.
    b) She continues to be open and communicative with me.
     
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