Black Relationships : Please help!!

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by truthseeker, Mar 27, 2005.

  1. truthseeker

    truthseeker New Member MEMBER

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    Okay here goes...In my ideal of worlds I want to be married and not let my LIFE simply go. My situation is this though...-in July of 2001 I got married under GOd, family and friends. My husband had been married before and has 3 kids the youngest at the time was 15. The other two over 18. I have 1 daughter fr a previous relationship-she was 5 at the time. She has NO contact with her bio father so husband was and is the only father she knows (they excepted each other very early. I guess I should mention that we only knew each other for 6 months before getting married. Things seemed like bliss in the start. His family is very large and they all adore my daughter and I. They have total unconditional love for us both. The first sign of trouble began with little issues with the ex. I did not consider this as a prob. About 1 yr into the marriage I was looking in some of his files and found some papers regarding court processes. I was shocked to find out he was being accused of a crime (dealing with money and checks of kids he worked with). In reading I discovered that the charges were dropped. From the looks of the papers it looked like he was going through court proceedings even after we were married. He Never said anything about it. Second thing I found was papers regarding his divorce that did not appear to be complete. Papers that indicated even as close as the same month July 01 that they were not through with the process. This killed me. because no matter how many times I looked at it- my head kept telling me that I NEEDED to pay attention. When I approached him about this he stated that the court papers were all a mistake-he did nothing and they proved that and the charges were dropped-he stated that he COULDNT bring himself to tell me, too painful and he wanted to leave the past in the past. THe second MAJOr issue regarding his prior marriage he continued to tell me that the process was taken care of and they were in FACT divorced. SOme things though did not make any sense, first of all we were paying for his ex's car payment- even when she would get fed up with the daughter and put her out (she ended up living with us for alot of the time) I questioned why he was not paying child support instead of a car payment-he stated it was part of the court agreement. (That stopped within our first year together.) I never REALLY believed him and from that point on I did not TRUST him at all. In between all this I need to emphasize that he REALLY was a great father, appeared to everyone to be the perfect husband. Cleans, cooks, affectionate, spent time with the family, never raised a voice at me, helpful...but I did not really trust him from that 1st year. Last year all hell broke loose. Between that time we had some pretty major financial issues-mis management of funds, money gone and not accounted for, the taking of my atm card (he did not have a bank account-again the excuse was his divorce messed him up) He most often gave me his paycheck and I put it in the account. THe issues arised when I trusted him to just pay some of the bills on his own and found out months later that they were not being paid. His family bailed us out. I found out that he had also borrowed money from his father and had gotten some money form his school (Financial Aid) without telling me.So we had all this money being pulled from various directions and no real explanation. At this time I ALSO found paperwork indicating that he staged a break in and got an insurance check, without me knowing. Now none of these sums are super large, but all together are significant. At the same time I began to think about his divorce and make calls to find out that the so called divorce was never completed-only started. Which means that legally i'm not married. After all that, he moved out for about 1 month and I tried to make it work...WANTED to believe the story that "he did not KNOW it was not complete" Although I felt the whole time that he did- based upon the dates on the papers that were found. I tried to accept him back and also believe that he was stupid and made some stupid money management decisions...thats what he said. I feel like I closed my eyes to everything. THere is some question about if he is gambling.?? But after a year-of him doing all the things he does on the surface for the family with me and daughter. He ended up again betraying my trust with money. More missing money-no explanation, also just overall bad communication, he seems to have a hard time coming to me about anything. This continued to breed decieption, lying and withouholding of pertinent info. Finally this past November was it for me. I call it stealing from his family. Also, he lies so habitually about these issues-he will just look at me and lie about the money or any issues of substance-scary to me. He also finally broke down and told me that he KNEW he was still married when he married me. HE said 'that week he BEGGED her to sign the papers and she wouldn't he got mad and told hisself that 'she wouldn't win, this time' I was floored. I was miserable and felt I had led a lie for 3 years and he moved out in Jan. I've been feeling okay, still hurt and angry. I filled out papers for an annulment. He wants to work it out. I'm sorry this is sooo long but I had to give you a clear pic of whats happening here. I ? his love for me. I know that sounds stupid t many of you reading-however, I am struggling with if this was al a master plan or if he does really have love me and is just a jerk. I wonder if he was using me-but I didn't have much. We did begin to build together though (buying a house-aquiring things) He states that he did and does Love me and want to reconcile. I hear this daily (daughter asks for him) I wish we could too because of my child and because the day to day behavior was so normal and good. THats why this is so crazy. But this other stuff is overshadowing that (and probably rightfully so!) deciet, withholding of information, stealing, illegal stuff, marriage that is not legitimate. Is this still workable? As much as I want it-I would feel like a fool taking another chance on him....
    I need to point out that everyone who knows me -know that I am very smart, not just book smarts but also streets. I am a professional, very ambitious,outspoken and I usually make really good decisions. This situation is killing me though-breaking me down. I question EVERYTHING now and if it were not for the fact that he has such as close nit family 9 siblings and married parents (50 years) I would think that he was TOTALLY crazy. All 9 of them have called me non-stop and both parents (their relationship with the other woman was bad) I don't want to speak to anyone. I guess I forgot to mention that divorce was FINAL with him and the ex last August (2 years AFTER our ceremony) He says he is in counseling and he has made horrible mistakes. I need some honest advice-not just the hard core either, because I do alot of that already myself (lol) But from others that can talk this thing through with me as well.
     
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    run. get the hell out while you can.
    any one who lies to their SO needs some time alone to work things out.

    if you are as smart as you say you are why do you put up with nonsense?

    run.
     
  3. truthseeker

    truthseeker New Member MEMBER

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    you're right

    You probably wouldn't imagine how many 'smart' women make stupid choices. You're right...but I never thought it would be me ...I guess living with the stupid ideals of youth~trying to create something that was not there...no matter how the picture was painted. Yea you're right...maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am. Something to reflect on...
     
  4. Nisa

    Nisa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yes. Don't love/titles blind you...the truth is the truth and lies are lies ..no matter who says/displays it. Take your blinders off and leave before more damage occurs. If it had been you with the secrets and dirt..believe me you..he wouldve been gone..long time ago
     
  5. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    first of all u went in too fast getting married
    and sure we all make mistakes in life but you
    was able to catch yours and bounce back the choice
    you made moving on was the best at this time he have
    some issues he need to work out but i wish u both the best
    and sista keep your head up above water GOOD LUCK
     
  6. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    He may love you and your daughter. But he has some serious problems regarding money and lying. He also seems to be very impulsive. I'm not saying that he is incapable of having a relationship, but he needs to work out these other problems first. Would you be able to tolerate any more from him, while waiting for him to iron his problems out?
     
  7. TheWitness

    TheWitness Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Sounds like a classic user to me Sister. Leave, and fast!!!!
     
  8. Intrepid

    Intrepid Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Love makes us do some crazy things (I can testify to that).
    Yes my sister you moved in to this marriage way to fast, yes his family is still there and yes you and your daughter may still love and miss him. He may also feel the same way.
    But when trust is broken it is really hard to regain. Some things that were done were major trust breakers.
    Counseling may be good not just for him but for yourself too.
    Have either one of you talked to your pastor or deacon?
    One cannot tell another what to do what their heart but one can say step away from the problem because the solution seems like it is never going to come.
    Things will never be right again if trust is not there.
    Do you trust him?
    Can you ever trust him again?
    Can you and are you willing to begin over again without him and make a new a bright start for you and your daughter?
    We all make mistakes the solution is don't keep making the same ones over and over again.
    In this instances think with your heart and mind, before you jump.
    I will keep you in thought and prayer as you through this. I realize it is not easy.
    Look above for renewed strength, guidance, answers and love.
     
  9. truthseeker

    truthseeker New Member MEMBER

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    Thanks for all the words of advice and encouragement. For those of you who asked about if I would trust him again...probably not. No matter how its been dressed up, the bottom line is that he is still a liar. Character means alot to me. I probably will always wonder if what he says is true or not. I don't think he is all bad...but his actions are a reflection of who he is ultimatly is as a person. I got to come to terms with that. I will say however, that everything happens for a reason...and I believe that I have grown up alot in this process. The idealistic visions of family and relationships are gone. Commen sense replacing the ideals. We got married too soon. If I had waited even a year or two-many things would have been revealed. My biggest mistake. Allowing emotions to rule over my head..Now that I thik about it in retrospect-we were also 'waiting' to have sex. This was probably part of the urgency, although I did not equate that with it at the time. Continuted Reflection. He continues to ask for reconcilation-my answer last night was that I HAVE to believe that I am wirthy of real love, trust, respect and committment. I have to make a decisions to stand strong against this because I FEEL that I am worth it. I have to base my decisions not just on clear thinking...but also knowing that I am that blueprint for my daughter in regards to realtionships. Everything I do and not do..will be placed there and she will pull it out her backpocket when it is time for her to make a good chioice for a mate.
    He made a statement the other day (he states just out of frustration and anger with the sitch, although I believe its really because he has not internalized the severity of the sitch) He said that "A STRONGER woman would have stuck by me and helped me through this." Stronger? Interesting statement. :swim: I'm treading water right now...in fact most days I feel pretty strong!
     
  10. AHMOSE

    AHMOSE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You dont need the drama move on life is to short for all the issues. Most of all pray about it and move on.
     
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