Black Relationships : Please help, ADVICE?!

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by lovedinflorida, May 31, 2007.

  1. lovedinflorida

    lovedinflorida Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey board, Im new im coming over from another board, and I am in desperate need of some advice: PLEASE HELP!

    Its a three parter, and im getting this from the other board..this was my first post on the board when i needed advice first:

    Good Afternoon everyone, I am new to the site and I just want to send a warm welcome to everyone!



    I have a scenario for you all to pick at, I need some friendly advice.



    I am in love. I am young and have never felt like this before!! But there are some questions that arise in my mind. Me and this man are not together, but we do engage in sexual activities and we hang out from time to time. He spends time with ME at least once a week! Which makes me love him even more. He has told me on numerous occasions that we are not together and he has no intention of being with me. He shares very little about his life and is quite moody! We are always off and on as far as us talking because of his mood swings towards me! It seems as if he only talks to me when he wants too and I am the one that mostly calls him!!! This year I popped up over his house and he let me in his home only to find another female in his home. It looked as if they were so comfortable and he kicked me out and told me to go home! While that other woman sat there. Comes to find out, they have been dating for 6 years! I decided to leave him alone and wrote him a long letter stating that as his friend I loved him and would do anything for him and how could he even have another woman in his presence?! And that I didn’t want the friendship to end. So he took me on my offer and we have been fine ever since. Yes we have had times where his moods causes us not to speak, and then I found out that that girl was living with him for a little bit, she was moving from one apt to the next and until her apt was ready she lived there (that’s when I didn’t hear from him for about 2 weeks!) Not too mention they have finances together!!! BUT finally he told me he loved me, and I love him so much!!!!! People are saying he is telling me what I want to hear but he wouldn’t say that if he didn’t mean it!!! People are saying I should have took the hint when he kicked me out instead of that girl but I don’t think anything of that!! What should I do? Please all advice is welcomed!!
     
  2. lovedinflorida

    lovedinflorida Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Then after this a couple of months later I did become his girlfriend and this is what i posted:

    Its been a while everyone..I wanted to update you guys, please tell me what you think, im still kind of skeptial!

    So its official, I am his GIRLFRIEND!!! I put my foot downand told him that I was going to leave him alone, if he didnt give me a title and that we were going to do this together. So after two days of thinking about it, he decided to give it a try!!! So I am now officially in a relationship!

    The other woman that he has been involved with for years: I snooped, I know I was wrong but I read some emails from him and the girl that he WAS involved with...The first emai I read was him telling her "he wanted to play the field and that he didnt want to hurt her bc right now he was going to cheat on her at this stage in his life, and he didnt want to do that to her. They have been having problems for the past couple of months(I think he just said that so he didnt have to deal with her anymore so he could be with me!) Her response was basically do you/she'll do her/take space..so a week later they are emailing each other again talking about the space they are taking, he was saying he loved her, and then they were talking about rebuilding their friendship so things could get stronger with them bc somehow it got lost and he kept saying things like "his heart knows, he kept talking about his feelings...*SIGH!!!*

    My friend told me im being used a filler for right now until they get theire stuff straight, and that they are really based on something and trying to work things out, and that im the right now girl, not the "marriage girl" I dont think so, I thought men dont get "girlfriends" just because..

    what do yall think?Help!
     
  3. lovedinflorida

    lovedinflorida Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    And this is whats going on now! Please help all advice please! I know im young but i am very much in love with my man!

    I have been snooping and that woman is still around, like how she used too be, but he still be texting and emailing her like everyday. Ive read their emails and its like they are so emotional to each other. We don’t be talking about stuff like that. They talk all serious, and all he says to her how he never meant to hear her, how he wants their friendship to work out, how he needs them to be friends, he invited her over numerous times, told her in one email that he is not going to let her go, and some otha stuff, I could not believe it. And its mostly him begging her and telling her how he wants them to work out and how she is unlike noone else, and how she irreplaceable, and that hes trying to get his life together, why is he telling her all of his business, business that I don’t even know??????? I thought that chick was gone, I mean he is with me! I am his girlfriend! One email though was like he was telling her to go out there and do her bc he is so messed up right now and something about them in long run….he always talking future with her, telling her his problems, stuff he don’t even tell me! Im over his house EVERY NIGHT, I see my man EVERYDAY! He talks to me all the time, so whats with this chick??????! My friend again said, “you are ms. Right now, and to him she is ms. Right” and for me to leave him because all he is trying to do is occupying time with me, but I don’t think that’s the case at all!!! He tells me he loves me everyday and misses me everyday, and we went to church together numerous times!! Help!



    Another incident, this woman was at his house when I came over, they were outside talking and it seemed as if they was real serious about whatever they were talking about, he told me to go upstairs bc he was handling his business, so I went, I came out thirty minutes later and they was STILL talking! He left me upstairs for an hour and some change talking to her. When he came back we ate dinner and I left it alone, he always be telling me when I start to ask questions or do something he don’t like for me to get my act together because im getting too complicated to deal with it, and he don’t need that in hislife but that he loves me, and to get my stuff together before he leaves me…my friend always tells me he does not love you, he love that other chick, you his “simple chick” to him, something to do while he trying to get right for ol girl..Help!



    This is so confusing to me!



    What do yall think about it? Please help me!
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister Loved In Florida ... Hello and Welcome ... :wave:

    Whew ... what a rollercoaster of love! ... :love:

    My first question, before i can really share any suggestions, is how old are you?

    It will make a little bit of difference (the "advice" i give) ... if you're 17 or 37 ... a young adult or older adult.

    Tell me Sweetie ... how old are you?

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. lovedinflorida

    lovedinflorida Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am 22. Thank you so much Destee! I really need someadvice! I really dont have anyone to turn to except for my friend who i talked about...I want to know so many things...like is she right or what exactly is this? who is that chick? who am i to him? am i filler? what is a filler? SO many questions!!! Thank you Destee for taking the time to advise me!

     
  6. Goddess Auset333

    Goddess Auset333 Banned MEMBER

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    Precious LOVEINFLORIDA::kiss1: :kiss1: :kiss1:

    Precious I hear your Cry for help.

    I do not need your number age to know that you are indeed naive in mind, and there are many even in their 40-50 who goes through what you are experiencing.

    Precious One, do you know what a DOORMAT IS? If not, I am asking you to run, run, run to the nearest book store and get this book by Sherry Argove, titled Why men Love...

    Precious One, although I can reel you in back into a right thinking mind, I do not have the time to tell you myself so that you can have a speedy recovery from the world human being love you are experiencing, which is the Ludus, Mania Love, that type of Love is perverted (evil) ,and when you say you love him knowing what he is doing, that you are allowing him to do to you, it is perverted (evil). There is no chaos, confusion, malice, envy, strife, jealousies in Divine true Loving, which is Harmony, Balance, and Order.

    When you get this book you will be staring in your mirror/face to face with you, the one you need to be concentrating on first. In this book, which I meditate you go quickly to get, you do not see yourself and him in it, you will have a long recuperation and enter other Unions carrying this same old garbage, and this is abuse to you. You are givien him a blank check to WAlk in and All Over you.

    The key word in this book is D O O R MA T.

    HILY/A

    goddess Auset

    RAW TRUTH IS Life
     
  7. lovedinflorida

    lovedinflorida Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Doormat? I am his girlfriend, we see each other everyday, he tells his friends im his girlfriend, we go to church...he doesnt even see that other girl, they had an argument and right now they arent even talking, but both said they are praying about it, and other things.. he doesnt know ive seen his emails...if he isnt seeing her, or spending time with her, being with her, going to church with her, being with her family like he is with me, talking to her everyday, but does this with me, how am i the doormat?
     
  8. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister Loved In Florida ... okay ... you're just a baby ... :love:

    To me, it makes a difference how old the Sister is, asking for such advice, as when you're young, you're not expected to know everything. In your youth, you'll make mistakes like this, and all we can hope is that you live through it. You just don't automatically know how to do, what to do, etc. Someone should take the time to help you understand life and relationships and stuff, from an objective perspective. If you were older, like 37 or something ... i'd think you did know better, but just wanted to be in this type of relationship ... and would wish you well in it.

    But ... since you're a baby ... i'll be more patient. I think my daughter is 21, or 22, i can't keep up with their ages anymore! :D

    All i know is she will tell me she's grown one minute, and crying like a baby the next! :love:

    Anyway ... i will talk to you like i'd talk to my own daughter ... okay?

    The first thing that caught my eye, that you shared, was how happy and satisfied you were with just one day of his time, per week. You seemed enthused about that, as though you had won some sort of prize. A man giving you just one day of his time per week, and using that time to go inside of your body ... have sex ... is no prize Sister. That's nothing to be bragging about. From the outside looking in, it appears as though you have thoroughly devalued yourself. Willing to accept any kind of interaction, just to have the tiny bit of companionship that he's providing. This is not good. You're virtually giving yourself away, with no real anything in return.

    You are all emotional about this guy, totally creating positive scenarios in your own mind, to fit the negative evidence. Disregarding what he tells you and what you see ... point blank ... and making it be something else ... something loving and kind.

    Sister ... i don't think this is a good relationship for you.

    Look at the up and down rollercoaster like environment that you've allowed your body, feelings, emotions, love, and everything to be in. Perhaps you don't know that a relationship doesn't have to go like this. Perhaps you've not been in a good one yet. But trust me, someone will love you totally and completely, giving you all of himself, without you even asking ... but you must be patient and wait for that ... don't sell yourself short.

    I know it's not easy to just let go. I know baby, and you probably won't be able to do that right away ... but that's what you should be moving toward.

    You've accepted so much ill-treatment from this Man, that there's very little hope in my mind, that he will ever treat you the way you want to be treated. Because you've accepted so much ugly treatment, that when he gives you a tiny bit of good treatment, you think you're doing something, that you all have arrived and all is well! Like going to church on Sunday together, makes up for him putting his penis inside of another. You're fooling yourself Sweetie, and that's worse than someone else fooling you, and more difficult to fix.

    You didn't get what you wanted in the beginning, and you're not getting what you want in the end (now), yet you're wondering why. You're the only one wondering why. That's because you're all in it, can't really see the forest for the trees. Everyone else is standing outside of it, looking, and wondering, why are you putting up with this.

    What is his motivation to change, when you'll put up with everything he dishes out? He tells you to go upstairs while he talks to some other woman, not just any woman, but the woman he loves (based on what you read), and you do it. The relationship starts out with him inside of your body and hers, but this is not what you want, but you continue to stay?

    Sister Sister Sister ... no one can do anything to you, that you don't allow.

    It isn't even his fault, that he's doing you this way.

    It's your fault. You are allowing this to exist.

    If you like it, stay in it.

    If you're not concerned about death, sexually transmitted diseases, respect, etc., stay in it.

    I think your friend is right ... except he's not using you ... you're letting him use you.

    You have some responsibility in your own well-being, and if you forsake that, others will take advantage of it.

    That's what is happening now.

    You must love yourself enough, to not let anyone mistreat you.

    If you continue in this way, he will only be the current person mistreating you, but not the last.

    When you love yourself, you don't let folk inside of your body, without FIRST receiving all that you need (respect, commitment, HIV/AIDS tests, etc.).

    If you let them in without these things ... you can't really complain.

    Yeah Sweetie ... i'd ease away from this relationship ... first moving my heart, feelings, and mind out of it ... and then your body will follow.

    Love You ...Take Care of Yourself!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  9. Goddess Auset333

    Goddess Auset333 Banned MEMBER

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    Beloved QG Destee:

    You said it all, rightly too.

    It is still my desire that she get the book I recommened, because when one is living in denial, one will easily reject Truth, in what we say and what they read.

    My last coment ont his thread.

    HILy/A
     
  10. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister Goddess Auset ... thank you Beloved.

    Sometimes, when one doesn't take heed to advice given, it's not always a sign of rejection of the truth. I know with my own daughter, who is her age, they just gotta see some things for themselves. Even just recently, like yesterday, my daughter was telling me ... Momma, i should have listened to you. When she doesn't, it's not like she's rejecting me or my advice. They are where they are, in young, impressionable, 20+ year old minds and bodies. They have to work some things out for themselves. It's just my hope that working it out for themselves, doesn't kill them, but makes them stronger.

    I think we all did this when we were younger ... and even still do it today.

    There are just some things we gotta see for ourselves, gotta go through, no matter what another says.

    I've not read the book you suggested, but i will check it out ... Thanks Beloved! :grouphug:

    :heart:

    Destee
     
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