This longtime mother to all others finally gets her wish but, two other times - same situation - ended just like this: tears, pain, blood and strain unanswered questions to my own lifelong desire. So, I'm afraid to speak afraid to smile, afraid to plan and dream . . . terrified of losing what i am begging God to let me hold onto. Everything else - everything pleaded for in my past life seems so inconsequential when paired with motherhood.