PIMPS NO MORE ?
By Andre Austin
Cast of Character:
Cat, the landlord
Dice Youngblood, former Pimp
RA, Teenage rap star
Miss Flavor, girlfriend of Dice
Erin, Friend of flavor
Candy, friend of flavor
Pimp Daddy Chessnut
Minister Jones
FBI agent
Probation officer
TO BE A VIRGIN
Her behavior befits a queen
A pure virgin lady
With whom the evening star of night,
Will bring to a Cat’s bed
The best gift god could offer
Her womb is so scared
Its inter chamber is holy
The holy of holies ?
To be guarded with my life
She shall never defile it
She shall maintain its purest state
Until one is worthy to touch it
Kiss it and embrace it with pure love
Bow down to sweet black berries
Make him give up his moonlighting job
No more late night creeps
No more pimpology
Whenever I hear her voice
Visions of a marriage arise
With candle lights and straw broomsticks
With big white cakes and cold red wine
Yes I will bring
Beautiful maidens to sing
The real songs of Moses
To help tie our rings
Her cheeks bones
Are two mighty mountains
She veils them with red blush
My eyes are drunk up on them,
Red Flush
You don’t have to feel tied up
Shake your corn braids free
And allow me to feel the passion
I’ve been yearning for my dear
Part 2
You are the one
I’ve been searchin
You’re my black dove hun
A pure innocent virgin
I want to take your hand
And be your man
I’m gonna be a man
I will do all I can
That means I will reform
Go back to my ordinary life
To all your needs I conform
Anything will be done my wife
No more playin
Yes that’s what I’m sayin
And the cat shall break the Virgin zone
And transform into a dog so he can bone
"You now, said Callias. ‘What are you proud of, Socrates? He lengthened his face into a very serious _expression and said, ‘my skill as a pimp’. They laughed at him. ‘You can laugh, he said, ‘but I know that I could make a great deal of money if I chose to follow the profession’.- from Xenophon "Conversations of Socrates"
It’s Sunday morning and my two roommates just got back from the hotel from Saturday night. I hear Knocks on the door. *** I open the door I see Miss Flavor green car leave out of the driveway. Cat is inside the house on Mob Street all alone listening to SWV.
I’m so into to you
I don’t know what to do
Cat: Whats up Dice
Dice: Whats up Catster
Cat: Nothing man. You get them panties.
Dice: Naw did you get any panties. (Dice already knew Cat went to bed alone, and the statement was meant to be hurtful)
Cat: Nope, not even a glimmer. (Cat talking under his breath. I knew he wasn’t going to get no panties because Miss Flavor was over here last night with her two friends claiming she was a virgin and that she was saving herself)
RA: Yall ****** didn’t get no ***** but I got mine. I thought dice was going to get his when I heard the zipper go down.
Cat: Close but no cigar.
Dice: I was almost there and then she zipped it back up. Next time I’m buying some stronger drinks.
Cat: Well the next time I send my men out hunting you guys can’t come back in unless you bring back home some trophies.
RA: what kind of trophies you talking about.
Cat: Panties man.
RA: Sorry my girl doesn’t even wear thongs.
Dice: Too bad my wears a ******* girdle.
Cat: A nineteenth century Chastity Belt
Dice: Ha Ha very funny Mother Fu..ker.
Cat: Man you know I’m just playing
Dice: I been dating this girl for three months and she hasn’t let me hit the panties yet.
RA: Man it sounds like Dice got ***** problems.
Cat: ****. In a minute you guys gonna be having some roof problems.
RA: Man we told you the rent is coming.
Cat: When… Give me a time and date.
Dice: Before the end of the month. I’m gonna call my father tonight when I go over my moms house. I’m gonna ask him to send me some money.
Cat: Well you wouldn’t of had these problems but you just had to quit your job. But that’s all right because when New Year come if you:
Don’t got nothing to put in
Then make friends with the wind
RA: Don’t worry dog you gonna get your cheese.
Dice: That’s cold you put us out in the streets.
Cat: No cash
No Pass
No Cheese for the house
There’s no home for a mouse
This isn’t personal cuz. Its just good business. I got bills to pay and I depend on rents to cover it. And if you can’t cover it then I will have to find another responsible person to do that.
Dice: Well you going out like that
You gonna treat me like a dirty Rat ?
But I do understand what you saying but I disagree. I guess I’m gonna just have to go back pimping.
Cat: Well that’s your business but there’s no pimping allowed in Cat’s house. Man I thought that girl had you ***** whipped. And I thought you were whipping the *****.
Dice: I like her a lot but I needs my money later for that honey. ****. She got me like a baby still just sucking on tits.
RA: You gots to crawl before you walk. Friends before lovers.
Cat: When was the time RA you stop lusting and start loving?
RA: I’m only 16 man I wouldn’t know love if it hit me in da ***.
Cat: I remember once upon a time Dice when you wrote a poem against Donald Goines’s
Street Players.
STREET PLAYERS
The jungle creed
Says the strong must feed
On any prey at hand
So branded as beast
Vickie sat down at feast
And learned that her prey
Was man.
By Donald Goines
Street Players 2001-2002 or,
The Response from Dice
By Dice Youngblood
The new jungle is concrete
The strong maintaining a grip on the streets
Or else they shrink into the sand
Players feed on shrimp
Runaways, drug addicts get pimped
And the Mob keeps them on the land
Pimps what are we to do with you
Soliciting customers for sex is what u do
A sand box is good
A coffin made from wood
Cover it up with concrete
Slaying you down from head to feet
Then throw it into the sea
So there will never be
Another Pimp, Player and Hustler
For the community to see
Cat: Whatever happened to the man who wrote this?
Dice: Goines was shot dead in Detroit.
Cat: I was talking about you. I know about Goines he spent time at Jackson State Prison and he dedicated Street Players to his daughter. I was talking about you Dice.
Dice: I guess I never had to work for love. I was always used to having dozens of girls at ringing at my door all the time. Now I’m feeling the urge to put back on my big pink hat and platform shoes.
Cat: Now let me remind you that you’re on probation for another year and a half. You get caught slipping you going back on Cooper Street at Jackson State Prison.
Dice: If you don’t think about getting caught you wont get caught. I fear no man but god.
RA: But god’s prison is worser than the man’s.
Cat: If you feared Apollo or Zeus you wouldn’t go back to Pimping.
RA: I’m down with Apollo because I’m into music and I heard he was the God over music.
Chorus:
Dice, Dice why you wanna gamble
When your life appears to be in a scramble
God dropped a Virgin on top your head
And you rather be a pimp and hustler instead
Instead of a husband to a pure wife
Money problems the root of all this strife
Dreams of being another Scarface, you think is cool
He died all alone in disgrace, in his own swimming pool
Dice: Turn that music off man. I’m not even trying to hear that **** right about now.
Cat: Don’t you feel any guilt what so ever. You had a hooker who shot dope to keep up with the pace of her daily clients. She was high on heroin so bad she had illusions that she was a bird. She was on the tenth floor of Motel 7 and jumped out of the window. I saw her man.
RA: I saw her too. She looked liked she jumped from an airplane without a parachute. Blood was oozing out of her nose, mouth and ears.
Cat: DNA blood could reveal who she was because she was turnt into some sloppy Joe hamburger meat. Her blood is on your hands. Your responsible for Vonda’s death.
Dice: I never put junk in her veins/ or put coke up her brains.
Cat: You might as well have
Phone Rings its Miss. Flavor
Flavor: Whats up boo. How you doing?
Dice: I’m all right considering the circumstances.
Flavor: I know. Why don’t you ask Cat if I could come live with you I could help out a lot with the rent. I make at least a hundred dollars a day in tips at Danny’s restaurant.
Dice: I will think about it.
Flavor: Anyway I just called to holler at you.
I’m sorry I didn’t put out
I was raised differently,
And that’s not what I’m all about
Please don’t be mad at me
Maybe there will be another time
That’s if I can get the courage to see
Perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be
You see I’m saved
And I don’t want to be clipping my wings
I want to be your purest angel
And all the rest of those things
Dice: But all of my friends think I’m a wimp
When I hung up my player’s clothes,
And stopped being a pimp
Flavor: When we make love
I think we should have been alone
Not double dating in hotels
Hearing the other couple moan
Dice: when can I clip those wings?
Flavor: When can I see my ring?
Dice: why we gotta go to those things
Flavor: cause that’s the magic act for this Angel to sing
But I almost gave in
U kept pouring my drink after I said when
I lost control couldn’t even think
And just what did you put in that drink
Dice: Love potion number nine
Works wonders but not all of the time
Flavor: Someone was looking out
I told you that’s not what I’m about
Someone in the sky came in between us
I thank the lord for sending me Jesus
Dice: next time I will add more joy juice
So those zippers come out busting loose
Flavor: no more hotels and drinks
When we are together,
The sun will always shine
No hanging out at night at anytime
Dice: The sun will not set on my lustful judge
I respect your decision and I will not judge
The sun sometimes can appear to be odd
For it can give life or whips of rods
I had a dream the sun burnt the face of my sin
Flavor: Was this a wake up call for all thy sin
Dice: All that matters is that we are together and holding hands. I want to be your man . I want you so much. Your eyes are like sweet black pearls without a mark or scratch. I will do anything for us to be together under any type of weather. When it rains we will wash our clothes together. When its hot outside I want us to be on the beach together having a water fight with all of our friends. I will never do anything to violate your trust. And whenever your ready we will let love just happen. No one can rush love. It will always happen when it happens.
Cat: Can I use the ******* phone? **** Dice you been on the phone for more than an hour now. I have to call the unemployment office to find a job. And that’s what you lazy *** ****** supposed to be doing.
Dice: Well I have to get off the phone. You think you can call me up later
Flavor: Probably not because I have to work overtime and I will be totally exhausted when I get home. But I can call you in the morning.
Dice: Okay that will be fine. Hit me up in the morning then.
Flavor: Until then
Dice and Ra walk upstairs into their rooms where they are making beats and writing raps. RA is making beats for a new album they are working on. Dice is editing some lyrics for their upcoming concert to be held in Flint, Michigan.
RA: so whats yall girl talking about.
Dice: Why she wasn’t giving me the snappy dug out.
RA: So when you think your gonna be dancing in those bushes?
Dice: When the wedding bells start ringing.
RA: Are u gonna have her sing on one of your songs.
Dice: I might we are still working on it.
RA: So what are gonna do about Cat, the landlord. You know he’s talking about kicking us out.
Dice: But if we don’t come up with no rent money Cat is going to kick us out and we will loose our chances to record our new songs with Virgin Records.
RA: That’s right I did forget he’s our manger for 7 songs we signed a contract. Man we gotta get up on some money fast so that we don’t loose our future stardom.
Dice: Yes that’s why I’m thinking about going back to pimping so we can earn the extra cheese. But if I can get Cat to allow Miss. Flavor in to help pay the rent then we will be set.
RA: Why don’t we just go back to work?
Dice: **** work. I’m an artist. How can I mature my raps and beats and work nine to five. I need a woman to take care of us until we can get a new hit out there.
RA: Its gonna happen some day.
Dice: We can’t use someday we need it today because time isn’t on our side.
RA: Well why don’t we just ask Cat if Miss. Flavor can move in.
(Cats knocking on Dice’s bedroom door)
Dice: Come in
Cat: Hey all I got is two one-dollar bills in my pocket. I’m going to the store to get some soda pop and popcorn you guys got any spare change.
Dice: Here you go
Cat: Thanks for the five dollars. I will be deducting this from the rent whenever I get it.
Dice: Speaking of rent cat can we talk to you for a minute? My girlfriend Miss. Flavor wants to move in to help us all out with the rent she makes no less than $ 700 dollars a week.
Cat: Hell naw. I’m not with all of this fornication going on in my crib. I can’t believe you had the nerve to ask me that. And just for asking me some **** like that all them tweeds yall be smoking up in here is out. No more Chronic in my house. You wanna smoke it you take your ***** outside in the cold. And I might ban all the liquor too. Cause you 20 and you is 16 u aint old enough enough.
RA: But when we go on our concert tours around the world its legal to drink.
Cat: I don’t give a ****. You aint living in the world you living in my world. And Uncle Sam says you gots to be 21. So listen to me before you talk yourself out.
(Cat walks outside to the grocery store)
Dice: *******. We trying to get out of one problem and now we can’t even smoke up in this mother.
RA: Cat ain’t nothing but a homo. He just mad his baby mom dumped him. He ain’t been getting no ***** in the past 2 months and he don’t want Miss. Flavor switching around in the morning in just panties on and a long white shirt. I don’t think he could handle it.
Dice: Flavor told me Cat has always been nice and courteous.
RA: Yes but girls are funny like that. She probably doesn’t want to cause any problems between the two of you. You know she’s into keeping the family together because that how she was raised up in the church.
Dice: Maybe so. That reminds me they both have the same zodiac signs of Aries the Ram.
RA: And you know Aries is connected to Venus, which is associated with marriage.
Dice: And the more people have in common the more they are likely to hook up. But hey I’m not worried because of the age difference. Flavor 20 and Cat is 30. That long ten years make them have nothing in common.
RA: If I were you Dice I wouldn’t bring her over here anymore. I got a feeling Cat’s gonna snatch your girl like a mouse steal cheese from a mousetrap without getting caught.
Dice: I’m not worried about it one bit.
RA: It’s your life.
Cause all I’m loving is Apollo Creeds
Loving music and smoking some weeds
(RA and Dice exchange as complex ritualistic handshake after RA dropped that line off the top of his head)
(Cat’s talking to himself in his car while driving to the grocery store)
Cat: I need some money
But I don’t wanna see no honey
That I cant touch or taste
That would make my mind go to waste
With all of that temptation
A virgin is the best of all gods’ creation
And I shall not defile it with my hands
Cause you know a man is gonna be a man
(Cats still driving his car and his mind goes back to Saturday night)
Miss Flavor: Knock, knock
Cat: Hello come in.
Flavor: Hi is dice home
Cat: I don’t know you can check up in his bedroom.
Flavor: Okay I will check and see
Cat: Have a seat young ladies
Candy: That you
Erin: Thanks
Cat: So I hear you girls going to the ho-tel tonight. Yall gonna get your freak on.
Candy: Naw, I’m just gonna go to sleep.
Cat: yeah right
Flavor: Naw, he ain’t up there. You mind if I can use your phone to page and call him on his celly?
Cat: go right ahead.
Flavor: Where here waiting on you. We got the money to get a hotel.
Dice: Are you there alone with Cat.
Flavor: No there’s two of my friends here. Why you scared I’m gonna do something?
Dice: I wouldn’t dream of it.
Flavor: Ok bye
Cat: How come you haven’t introduced me to your friends.
Flavor: Oh I’m sorry this is Erin and Candy and they all have boyfriends.
Cat: Well thanks for letting me know. Save a brother from wasting his time.
(Cat talking under his breath: Or maybe perhaps she don’t want me to get with them because she wants me?. After all why is she sitting so close to me with her head down counting her money on my all pink couch)?
Flavor: I hope yall cleaned yourselves up before we go to the Hotel.
(She meant cleaned their ******* out)
Candy: Did you clean yourself?
Flavor: I don’t have to clean myself because I’m already pure. (Then she turned her head and looked at Cat dead in his eyes and said)
I’m a virgin. And they some hoes. (Little did flavor know Dice told him this two weeks ago)?
Cat: But tonight’s the night
Flavor: No. I don’t think I’m ready for all of that
( Everythang got silent for about 1 minute. But this was like 1 hour)
Erin: Why everything get so quiet all of a sudden.
(Silence was an indication that love waves were emitting between Flavor and Cat. Then Flavor broke the silence in the air when start to talk about the food, drinks and music they were going to take up to the hotel)
Flavor: I want to buy some Chinese food.
Cat: God **** don’t you think you eat too much. But it don’t matter cause you skinner than Olive oil from the cartoon Popeye.
(She then waved her finger around at me)
Flavor: Never mind him. So what music we gonna get.
Erin: We must have some Tupac
Flavor: I’m gonna get some SWV
Cat: I like SWV. Especially that one song that came out a couple of years ago I’m so into you.
(Flavor started looking at me shaking her head to interrupt the second line of the chorus
But Cat finished it by talking it looking down at the carpet to finish the rest)
Cat: And I don’t know what I’m gonna do.
(Before Dice came back to the house to take all the three girls to the hotel Flavor and Cat made the most powerful eye contact ever. Cat just about shited on himself. Cat knew from that moment on he could not have this girl alone in his presence. As they started to leave Candy make a short smart alec remark to Cat)
Candy: **** Cat you need to clean up your house
Cat: why don’t you clean it up for me?
Candy: For $20 dollars an hour.
Cat: 20 dollars I could go for that. (They weren’t really talking about cleaning the house because 20 dollars is the standard price for buying sex)
Cat: You guys have a good time and drive carefully.
(Cat parks the car and enters the grocery store. He gets back home and begins to cook Sunday dinner. Dice left to pick up his girlfriend. Just before the Italian spaghetti is finished Dice, RA and his girlfriend. Cat opens up the door with a smile on his face towards Flavor. The smile indicates Cat appreciates that Flavor still is maintaining her virginity. Dice looks at his girl and says "Whats he smiling for". Only dumb dogs can’t pick on non-verbal cues and invisible loves waves that are emitted. Everyone gathers around the dinner)
Cat: Please join us Miss Flavor
Flavor: No thanks all right I already ate some Catfish over my Dad’s house.
Cat: Too bad cause this is some fantastic stuff.
Flavor: I have to leave in five minutes anyway. I got to go make them dollars.
Cat: I know what you talking about. Money and love makes the world go around.
RA: And if you could only have one which would you pick?
Cat: Love
Flavor: Love
Dice: Money
Flavor: What did you say?
Dice: I was just playing
Flavor: Well you don’t play with me like that.
Dice: I said I was sorry
Flavor: Well anyway I have to be leaving. I’m trying to work as much overtime as possible because I’m going on a church fellowship next week in Atlanta, GA
Dice: (Dice talking under his breath) This is the perfect opportunity to set back up my pimp operations so I can get back on top of my money.
Flavor: I will see you guys later
Cat: Ok good-bye then.
(Everybody gathers around the dinner table to feast)
Dice: ******* Cat this is some good spaghetti. Where you learn to cook this?
Cat: I picked up on it from this girl I met in Rome when I was competing in the summer 1992 Olympics there.
RA: Is that all she taught you to do was cook.
Cat: As a matter fact no she taught me some other tricks of the trade.
Dice: Tricks all ways got some treats.
Cat: I wasn’t talking about sex Dice. God **** you always got sex, sex, sex on your mind.
RA: If you keep your head in the gutter you stay stinking. And I like to stink. But Dice you got a nice girl. Why don’t you settle down with her? Man I think she’s great.
Dice: If she loves me she will be there always for me.
Cat: I once read somewhere that even god’s spirit will not always dwell within man’s soul. And they say that God is love.
Dice: I don’t care because she is strung out on me anyway.
RA: Those strings made up of a spider’s web
Dice: Naw I’m not cut like that G
Cat: Speaking of cutting RA why don’t you cut us up some of that Blackberry pie I bought at the grocery store from Meijers.
(RA brings in slices of pie)
Cat: Thank you, thank you
Dice: Good looking out with the pie RA
RA: Your welcome
Dice: Cousin Cat
Cat: Yes
Dice: You think that you might be able to reconsider allowing my girlfriend to move in so she can help out with the rent?
Cat: Where the hell she gonna sleep. We only got three bedrooms. One for RA, you and then one for me?
Dice: We can get bunk beds.
Cat: Yeah right. I will see two beds but only one bed will be slept. See you think you slick.
Dice: Why you judging me. You got a child out of wedlock
Cat: That was an accident. Before that time I was something like an AC Green. But you see I was at this party man and I fell over this fly girl. We were dancing and she started rubbing her butt up against me and everything you know.
RA: So you were freak dancing right.
Cat: But that wasn’t all. I fell also into peer pressure where I started smoking some chronic. Now as you know chronic depending on the person can trigger an afrodiac type of reaction.
Dice: So all of the ingredients for temptation was staring you right in the face.
Cat: It was about three O' clock in the morning everybody left. Me and Brittany fell asleep on the couch. And the next thing I knew I woke up from my sleep feeling this type of wet liking thing all over me. It wasn’t like I initiated it. But after she got me work up I could not help but finish it. 9 months later little Akbar was born.
RA: Biggest mistake you ever made
Cat: My biggest accident of all time. Child support eating up my ***. And the judge is about ready to throw me in jail. Dirty diapers over and over there. But the next time I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna buy me a diamond ring and put in my safety deposit box in the bank until I meet the one.
RA: Sounds like a good plan. So who’s this woman?
Cat: I don’t know her and she don’t know me but Apollo knows. Cause after we get married he is gonna sing us a song.
Dice: Man you living in a fantasy world. All these hoes want is a bank account. You doing all of this preaching but you aint perfect.
Cat: Well just who’s perfect. Flavor aint perfect. She ran away when she was 15. She wouldn’t obey her mother’s dress code. She was wearing earrings and make up.
Dice: But after its all said and done she is still a virgin. And she only ran out the house because she was getting whipped for the slightest infractions. They made her strip off all her clothes and just tore her up. She couldn’t take it anymore so she got the hell out.
Cat: Well I didn’t know all of that. I feel sorry for you but she still can’t stay here.
Dice: What I can’t believe you Cat I thought you had a heart.
Cat: (Cat pause for a couple of seconds looking very concerned)
You wanna really know why I can’t let you move her in?
Dice: Why is this?
Cat: Now I don’t want you to get mad at me but I think I like Flavor Pie. And I don’t want to cause any static in our family because that would be disaster. If she lived in this house I would want to have her for myself. So why put myself in a situation that’s not good for all of us. Now you just gonna have to work on your raps and beats in between a regular job. Now you guys ain’t DJ Clue or Jay Z you gonna get out there and get a job.
Dice: (Dice talking under his breath "Whatever man")
Cat: Little RA you got the dishes tonight.
RA: I got the dishes every night
[5 days elapses]
Cat: Somebody get the phone, I’m in the bathtub.
Dice: I’ll get it. Hello
Flavor: Hi honey I’m at the airport getting ready to fly down to Atlanta for our church fellowship. I will be back in about 10 days.
Dice: thats Great
Flavor: What did you say
Dice: I said, "I cant wait".
Flavor: Wait for what
Dice: Wait for you to get back home.
Flavor: Blow me a kiss goodbye
Dice: I’m blowing (I’m blowing my pimp horn)
(Dice hangs up the phone and calls up a former Pimp partner Pimp Daddy Chessnut)
Chessnut: Whats up homie I haven’t heard from you and about a year. You still pimping
Dice: I’m trying to get back into the game. I need you to front me up with five hoes, a cell phone and some clothes until I can get back on my feet.
Chessnut: No problem man I remember you helped me out after I spent a year in jail because the man didn’t like me making all of that money and driving my big Cadillac.
Dice: Thanks man I really appreciate you looking out for me.
Chessnut: Come by the "Foxy Girls" bar tonight and I will introduce you to your five new hoes.
Dice: Peace out my brother.
(At the Foxy Girls bar)
Chessnut: Welcome back to the world of pimping.
Dice: I wont be in it long I just need to make some extra cash.
Chessnut: The money will spoil you. And once you get back on your feet I don’t think that you would wanna leave the game man.
Dice: You’ll see. I got a nice girl and I want to keep her.
Chessnut: Speaking of girls. Allow me to introduce you to your women. Stand up ladies. From right to left we have here. Cocoa , Spectrum, Adidiva , Medea and this right here is Connie.
Dice: Hi girls how yall doing. Ok let me run this down to you quick like because I have to be at another place at the rap studio for practice. All new clients we acquire give them my cell phone. The number is 777-93-11. I don’t want customers calling you directly because I will not be able to keep track of my money. I’m gonna have to be on the down low so all the money you make you will have to deposit in bank account. The name of the bank is NCDE credit union. The account number 7565408. Its under a false of Nevil Dolet. Have my money correct and make no mistakes. Now I have a girlfriend so never call me until the sun sets because we only hang out in the daytime.
( Too bad Dice didn’t know that the FBI had Chessnut under investigations. So when Dice called Chessnut his name and number was logged in their files. Everything was going nice and smooth. Dice paid off 2 months rent. He was sending out his demo tapes to Virgin records and other record labels. He was a big man riding around in a new car and with new clothes)
At the Apartment
Cat: Whats up dice how you doing?
Dice: I’m doing all right
Cat: I see you dressing sharp and got all of your rent paid up for yourself and RA. I hardly see you in the house. So what do you be doing?
Dice: Recording at the studio. Its time consuming.
Cat: Your girlfriend called she said she’s back from Atlanta?
Dice: Ok cool. Ok thanks I will give her a call right away.
Cat: I’m cooking Neck bones and cornbread tonight you want some.
Dice. Naw, I think I’m gonna take my girl out to the movies and go see Dracula.
RA: Can I go dog.
Dice: Naw. I need some of that one on one **** because I haven’t seen her in two weeks.
RA: All right then have a good time.
Dice: I intend to.
(Dice calling his girl on the phone)
Flavor: Hi Dice how you doing. I called you earlier.
Dice: I know Cat told me. Hey listen you wanna go to the movies tonight Dracula is showing.
Flavor: Well normally I don’t go out at night but since its to the movies I will make an exception.
Dice: That’s great I will pick you up at ten.
Flavor: Don’t be late. You know how you be having me wait all the time.
Dice: Ok.
(At the movies)
Dice: here have a seat. You want some popcorn.
Flavor: Yes please.
Dice: I will be right back.
(Theater commercial)
Dice: I’m back. My homeboy said Omar Epps is playing a good role in this movie.
Flavor: Well I just hope its good.
(After 1 hour into the movie Dice gets up to use the bathroom)
Dice: I will be back in a second I have to use the restroom I will be right back.
Flavor: Ok be quiet I’m trying to hear what they are saying.
(While Dice was using the can his cell phone starting ringing in his coat pocket he left in his chair)
Flavor: Jesus. I can’t even hear what Epps is talking about. I don’t Dice will mind me answering his phone. Hello who is this?
Kenneth: This Kenneth where’s Dice at.
Flavor: He’s in the bathroom. Can you call back later we are at the movies?
Kenneth: You just tell Dice that his ***** *** hoe Spectrum robed me after I went asleep. I woke up in the morning and my wallet was gone. Now he’s her man so he’s gonna have to make up for my lost. (Click)
Dice: Hi honey. Did I miss anything?
Flavor: Hell yeah you missing me. Who the hell is Spectrum? Are you back pimping.
Dice: What the hell you talking.
(Audience. Can you guys be quiet were trying to watch a movie. Take that **** outside)
Flavor: Take me home Dice right now.
Dice: Okay just relax. Don’t talk so loud.
Flavor: We are finished. Its over. I thought you would change.
Dice: Please just give me one more chance. I was only going to do it for a month. I just needed the extra cash.
Flavor: I can’t trust you and I don’t think your telling the truth.
Dice: But I’m telling you the truth.
Flavor: Tell that to the hoes you got out in the streets. I’m gonna find me another man who’s gonna respect me. Now with you being a pimp and I’m your girlfriend people are going to think I’m a prostitute. Did you ever think about that?
Dice: No I did not think about
Flavor: The only thing you were thinking about was money.
(As Flavor walks to her house she takes off her watch and throws it at Dice’s car)
Flavor: I don’t need your **** watch because you’re in a different time zone than me. Don’t call and don’t come over.
Dice: that’s all right I never wanted your stank *** anyway.
(But on the way home Dice dropped a couple of tear drops and was hurting inside. Dice extended his pimp game way past his one-month limit because he was so upset at losing his girl. After about 6 months in the pimp game Dice was arrested. The charges were dropped because none of his ******* would testify against him. Dice walk out the courtroom extremely proud and over confident. Just before he opened his car door he was confronted by an FBI agent and his probation officer)
FBI: So you think your off the hook?
Dice: It looks like it right pig. Oink, Oink.
FBI: Well let me just inform you about something here. I was talking to your probation officer yesterday. And we anticipated that if you didn’t get convicted there would be a plan B. You see Dice we got you on tape taking to a known felon, Chessnut. Now your probation agreement states clearly that you can’t associate with felons or else you will surrender your parole lease.
Probation Officer: Put your hands behind your back. Your going back to Jackson State Prison and finish up all your 8 calendar years.
Dice: **** you mother Fu..ker. Get off of me.
(Additional police arrive and commence to whip Dice down into submission. After spending about one year in prison Dice gets a letter from Flavor Pie-Orestes explaining the fact that she married Cat Orestes. Flashback)
Minister Jones: Do you Flavor Pie take this man Cat Orestes to be your husband for good or bad and his good or bad health until death part you.
Flavor: I do.
Minister Jones: Is there any one in this church who thinks this groom and bride should not be lawful wedded speak now or forever hold your peace.
Cat: (Talking under his breath) I’m glad Dice isn’t here.
(On their first night in bed Cat woke up during the middle of the night dreaming Dice broke out of jail and was beating him up)
Dice: You stupid mother Fu..ker. Who the hell you think you are writing this one-act play about me and my *******? Who you think you are that writer on The Best man?
Cat: No please don’t hit me. I meant you no harm.
(Cat wakes up in his sleep)
Flavor: Whats the matter honey.
Cat: Nothing I just had a bad dream. I’ll be… be back. I going to the bathroom to get a glass of water.
(As he was getting a glass of water he looked in the mirror and saw an image of Dice pointing his finger towards him. Cat immediately threw some cold water on his face and the image was no longer there)
(Curtains)
The End
Dear Mr. Pimp
So you wanna be a player
A woman slayer
Living off of human prey
Sex slaves you enlist
You can’t handle your business
So you resort to this
The innocence of the young you rob
All because you don’t want a job
Your virgin queen caught you in the act
And now she doesn’t want you back
Now I have your ex girl
And she means everything in the world
God’s given me a second shot
And now I’m gonna tie the knot
Shakespeare opinion on Virginity
All’s Well That ends well
Parolles: Are you meditating on virginity ?
Helena: Ay …man is enemy to virginity.
Parolles. Keep him out
Helena: but he assails; and our virginity though valiant, in defense yet is weak
Bless our poor virginity from underminers and blowers up! Is there no military policy, how virgins might blow up men?
Parolles: Virginity being blown down, man will quickler be blown up. : marry in blowing him down again…it is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is rational increase and there was never virgin got till virginity was first lost. That you were made of is metal to make virgins. Virginity by being once lost may be ten times found; by being ever kept, it is ever lost: tis too cold a companion; away with it.
Helena: I will stand for a little, though therefore I die a virgin.
Parolles: to speak on the part of virginity, is to accuse your mothers; which is most infallible disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin: virginity murders itself; and should be buried in highways out of all sanctified limit, as a desperate offendress against nature. Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese; consumes itself to the very paring, and so dies with feeding his own stomach. Besides, virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of self love, which is the most inhibited sin in the canon. Keep it not; you cannot choose but lose by it: out with it…away with it.
Parolles: Virginity , like an old courtier, wears her cap out of fashion: richly suited, but unsuitable: just like the brooch and the tooth-pick, which wear not now. Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek: and your virginity, your old virginity, is like one of our French withered pears, it looks ill, it eats drily; marry, tis a withered pear: it was formerly better: marry, yet tis a withered pear: will you anything with it?
Helena: Not my virginity yet….
Whose last name is Pie in the play who carries red mountains as cheeks?
My Velvet touch
Oh my thematic Virgins
I just got pimped out the studios,
Because the gossip of Virgins never go stale
I’m caught up in a vortex
For getting too visionary with verbs
And all the Vestals virgins of Ra
Threatening to give me a vile velvet touch
With their scared fire burning my village
If I dear to playwright on the vulva
If that happens I will ring my Vulcan phone
Cause Vulcan’s carry fire sticks too
Causing inflammation of the vulvitis
So don’t try to be saving Victoria’s secrets
Cause I got vcr’s and videotapes,
That could vent vasectomies on your vanity
These vipers will dispense with me
The VIP miss treatment of my body
Leaving my body vertically prone,
Soaking in vinegar
Verily, verily I say it’s so true
There will be no pietas or vital statistics
Being wrote or oil paintings of my image
I might have to change the venue
To escape being vaporized
From all of these here vandals
Trying to plug valves of the vivid
Trying to be like vampires allowing blood to run
Because it reads if it bleeds a vintage
No one will know
The hidden meaning of this tale
You can’t protect virgins that grow
With gossips that eventually grow stale
By Andre Austin
Cast of Character:
Cat, the landlord
Dice Youngblood, former Pimp
RA, Teenage rap star
Miss Flavor, girlfriend of Dice
Erin, Friend of flavor
Candy, friend of flavor
Pimp Daddy Chessnut
Minister Jones
FBI agent
Probation officer
TO BE A VIRGIN
Her behavior befits a queen
A pure virgin lady
With whom the evening star of night,
Will bring to a Cat’s bed
The best gift god could offer
Her womb is so scared
Its inter chamber is holy
The holy of holies ?
To be guarded with my life
She shall never defile it
She shall maintain its purest state
Until one is worthy to touch it
Kiss it and embrace it with pure love
Bow down to sweet black berries
Make him give up his moonlighting job
No more late night creeps
No more pimpology
Whenever I hear her voice
Visions of a marriage arise
With candle lights and straw broomsticks
With big white cakes and cold red wine
Yes I will bring
Beautiful maidens to sing
The real songs of Moses
To help tie our rings
Her cheeks bones
Are two mighty mountains
She veils them with red blush
My eyes are drunk up on them,
Red Flush
You don’t have to feel tied up
Shake your corn braids free
And allow me to feel the passion
I’ve been yearning for my dear
Part 2
You are the one
I’ve been searchin
You’re my black dove hun
A pure innocent virgin
I want to take your hand
And be your man
I’m gonna be a man
I will do all I can
That means I will reform
Go back to my ordinary life
To all your needs I conform
Anything will be done my wife
No more playin
Yes that’s what I’m sayin
And the cat shall break the Virgin zone
And transform into a dog so he can bone
"You now, said Callias. ‘What are you proud of, Socrates? He lengthened his face into a very serious _expression and said, ‘my skill as a pimp’. They laughed at him. ‘You can laugh, he said, ‘but I know that I could make a great deal of money if I chose to follow the profession’.- from Xenophon "Conversations of Socrates"
It’s Sunday morning and my two roommates just got back from the hotel from Saturday night. I hear Knocks on the door. *** I open the door I see Miss Flavor green car leave out of the driveway. Cat is inside the house on Mob Street all alone listening to SWV.
I’m so into to you
I don’t know what to do
Cat: Whats up Dice
Dice: Whats up Catster
Cat: Nothing man. You get them panties.
Dice: Naw did you get any panties. (Dice already knew Cat went to bed alone, and the statement was meant to be hurtful)
Cat: Nope, not even a glimmer. (Cat talking under his breath. I knew he wasn’t going to get no panties because Miss Flavor was over here last night with her two friends claiming she was a virgin and that she was saving herself)
RA: Yall ****** didn’t get no ***** but I got mine. I thought dice was going to get his when I heard the zipper go down.
Cat: Close but no cigar.
Dice: I was almost there and then she zipped it back up. Next time I’m buying some stronger drinks.
Cat: Well the next time I send my men out hunting you guys can’t come back in unless you bring back home some trophies.
RA: what kind of trophies you talking about.
Cat: Panties man.
RA: Sorry my girl doesn’t even wear thongs.
Dice: Too bad my wears a ******* girdle.
Cat: A nineteenth century Chastity Belt
Dice: Ha Ha very funny Mother Fu..ker.
Cat: Man you know I’m just playing
Dice: I been dating this girl for three months and she hasn’t let me hit the panties yet.
RA: Man it sounds like Dice got ***** problems.
Cat: ****. In a minute you guys gonna be having some roof problems.
RA: Man we told you the rent is coming.
Cat: When… Give me a time and date.
Dice: Before the end of the month. I’m gonna call my father tonight when I go over my moms house. I’m gonna ask him to send me some money.
Cat: Well you wouldn’t of had these problems but you just had to quit your job. But that’s all right because when New Year come if you:
Don’t got nothing to put in
Then make friends with the wind
RA: Don’t worry dog you gonna get your cheese.
Dice: That’s cold you put us out in the streets.
Cat: No cash
No Pass
No Cheese for the house
There’s no home for a mouse
This isn’t personal cuz. Its just good business. I got bills to pay and I depend on rents to cover it. And if you can’t cover it then I will have to find another responsible person to do that.
Dice: Well you going out like that
You gonna treat me like a dirty Rat ?
But I do understand what you saying but I disagree. I guess I’m gonna just have to go back pimping.
Cat: Well that’s your business but there’s no pimping allowed in Cat’s house. Man I thought that girl had you ***** whipped. And I thought you were whipping the *****.
Dice: I like her a lot but I needs my money later for that honey. ****. She got me like a baby still just sucking on tits.
RA: You gots to crawl before you walk. Friends before lovers.
Cat: When was the time RA you stop lusting and start loving?
RA: I’m only 16 man I wouldn’t know love if it hit me in da ***.
Cat: I remember once upon a time Dice when you wrote a poem against Donald Goines’s
Street Players.
STREET PLAYERS
The jungle creed
Says the strong must feed
On any prey at hand
So branded as beast
Vickie sat down at feast
And learned that her prey
Was man.
By Donald Goines
Street Players 2001-2002 or,
The Response from Dice
By Dice Youngblood
The new jungle is concrete
The strong maintaining a grip on the streets
Or else they shrink into the sand
Players feed on shrimp
Runaways, drug addicts get pimped
And the Mob keeps them on the land
Pimps what are we to do with you
Soliciting customers for sex is what u do
A sand box is good
A coffin made from wood
Cover it up with concrete
Slaying you down from head to feet
Then throw it into the sea
So there will never be
Another Pimp, Player and Hustler
For the community to see
Cat: Whatever happened to the man who wrote this?
Dice: Goines was shot dead in Detroit.
Cat: I was talking about you. I know about Goines he spent time at Jackson State Prison and he dedicated Street Players to his daughter. I was talking about you Dice.
Dice: I guess I never had to work for love. I was always used to having dozens of girls at ringing at my door all the time. Now I’m feeling the urge to put back on my big pink hat and platform shoes.
Cat: Now let me remind you that you’re on probation for another year and a half. You get caught slipping you going back on Cooper Street at Jackson State Prison.
Dice: If you don’t think about getting caught you wont get caught. I fear no man but god.
RA: But god’s prison is worser than the man’s.
Cat: If you feared Apollo or Zeus you wouldn’t go back to Pimping.
RA: I’m down with Apollo because I’m into music and I heard he was the God over music.
Chorus:
Dice, Dice why you wanna gamble
When your life appears to be in a scramble
God dropped a Virgin on top your head
And you rather be a pimp and hustler instead
Instead of a husband to a pure wife
Money problems the root of all this strife
Dreams of being another Scarface, you think is cool
He died all alone in disgrace, in his own swimming pool
Dice: Turn that music off man. I’m not even trying to hear that **** right about now.
Cat: Don’t you feel any guilt what so ever. You had a hooker who shot dope to keep up with the pace of her daily clients. She was high on heroin so bad she had illusions that she was a bird. She was on the tenth floor of Motel 7 and jumped out of the window. I saw her man.
RA: I saw her too. She looked liked she jumped from an airplane without a parachute. Blood was oozing out of her nose, mouth and ears.
Cat: DNA blood could reveal who she was because she was turnt into some sloppy Joe hamburger meat. Her blood is on your hands. Your responsible for Vonda’s death.
Dice: I never put junk in her veins/ or put coke up her brains.
Cat: You might as well have
Phone Rings its Miss. Flavor
Flavor: Whats up boo. How you doing?
Dice: I’m all right considering the circumstances.
Flavor: I know. Why don’t you ask Cat if I could come live with you I could help out a lot with the rent. I make at least a hundred dollars a day in tips at Danny’s restaurant.
Dice: I will think about it.
Flavor: Anyway I just called to holler at you.
I’m sorry I didn’t put out
I was raised differently,
And that’s not what I’m all about
Please don’t be mad at me
Maybe there will be another time
That’s if I can get the courage to see
Perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be
You see I’m saved
And I don’t want to be clipping my wings
I want to be your purest angel
And all the rest of those things
Dice: But all of my friends think I’m a wimp
When I hung up my player’s clothes,
And stopped being a pimp
Flavor: When we make love
I think we should have been alone
Not double dating in hotels
Hearing the other couple moan
Dice: when can I clip those wings?
Flavor: When can I see my ring?
Dice: why we gotta go to those things
Flavor: cause that’s the magic act for this Angel to sing
But I almost gave in
U kept pouring my drink after I said when
I lost control couldn’t even think
And just what did you put in that drink
Dice: Love potion number nine
Works wonders but not all of the time
Flavor: Someone was looking out
I told you that’s not what I’m about
Someone in the sky came in between us
I thank the lord for sending me Jesus
Dice: next time I will add more joy juice
So those zippers come out busting loose
Flavor: no more hotels and drinks
When we are together,
The sun will always shine
No hanging out at night at anytime
Dice: The sun will not set on my lustful judge
I respect your decision and I will not judge
The sun sometimes can appear to be odd
For it can give life or whips of rods
I had a dream the sun burnt the face of my sin
Flavor: Was this a wake up call for all thy sin
Dice: All that matters is that we are together and holding hands. I want to be your man . I want you so much. Your eyes are like sweet black pearls without a mark or scratch. I will do anything for us to be together under any type of weather. When it rains we will wash our clothes together. When its hot outside I want us to be on the beach together having a water fight with all of our friends. I will never do anything to violate your trust. And whenever your ready we will let love just happen. No one can rush love. It will always happen when it happens.
Cat: Can I use the ******* phone? **** Dice you been on the phone for more than an hour now. I have to call the unemployment office to find a job. And that’s what you lazy *** ****** supposed to be doing.
Dice: Well I have to get off the phone. You think you can call me up later
Flavor: Probably not because I have to work overtime and I will be totally exhausted when I get home. But I can call you in the morning.
Dice: Okay that will be fine. Hit me up in the morning then.
Flavor: Until then
Dice and Ra walk upstairs into their rooms where they are making beats and writing raps. RA is making beats for a new album they are working on. Dice is editing some lyrics for their upcoming concert to be held in Flint, Michigan.
RA: so whats yall girl talking about.
Dice: Why she wasn’t giving me the snappy dug out.
RA: So when you think your gonna be dancing in those bushes?
Dice: When the wedding bells start ringing.
RA: Are u gonna have her sing on one of your songs.
Dice: I might we are still working on it.
RA: So what are gonna do about Cat, the landlord. You know he’s talking about kicking us out.
Dice: But if we don’t come up with no rent money Cat is going to kick us out and we will loose our chances to record our new songs with Virgin Records.
RA: That’s right I did forget he’s our manger for 7 songs we signed a contract. Man we gotta get up on some money fast so that we don’t loose our future stardom.
Dice: Yes that’s why I’m thinking about going back to pimping so we can earn the extra cheese. But if I can get Cat to allow Miss. Flavor in to help pay the rent then we will be set.
RA: Why don’t we just go back to work?
Dice: **** work. I’m an artist. How can I mature my raps and beats and work nine to five. I need a woman to take care of us until we can get a new hit out there.
RA: Its gonna happen some day.
Dice: We can’t use someday we need it today because time isn’t on our side.
RA: Well why don’t we just ask Cat if Miss. Flavor can move in.
(Cats knocking on Dice’s bedroom door)
Dice: Come in
Cat: Hey all I got is two one-dollar bills in my pocket. I’m going to the store to get some soda pop and popcorn you guys got any spare change.
Dice: Here you go
Cat: Thanks for the five dollars. I will be deducting this from the rent whenever I get it.
Dice: Speaking of rent cat can we talk to you for a minute? My girlfriend Miss. Flavor wants to move in to help us all out with the rent she makes no less than $ 700 dollars a week.
Cat: Hell naw. I’m not with all of this fornication going on in my crib. I can’t believe you had the nerve to ask me that. And just for asking me some **** like that all them tweeds yall be smoking up in here is out. No more Chronic in my house. You wanna smoke it you take your ***** outside in the cold. And I might ban all the liquor too. Cause you 20 and you is 16 u aint old enough enough.
RA: But when we go on our concert tours around the world its legal to drink.
Cat: I don’t give a ****. You aint living in the world you living in my world. And Uncle Sam says you gots to be 21. So listen to me before you talk yourself out.
(Cat walks outside to the grocery store)
Dice: *******. We trying to get out of one problem and now we can’t even smoke up in this mother.
RA: Cat ain’t nothing but a homo. He just mad his baby mom dumped him. He ain’t been getting no ***** in the past 2 months and he don’t want Miss. Flavor switching around in the morning in just panties on and a long white shirt. I don’t think he could handle it.
Dice: Flavor told me Cat has always been nice and courteous.
RA: Yes but girls are funny like that. She probably doesn’t want to cause any problems between the two of you. You know she’s into keeping the family together because that how she was raised up in the church.
Dice: Maybe so. That reminds me they both have the same zodiac signs of Aries the Ram.
RA: And you know Aries is connected to Venus, which is associated with marriage.
Dice: And the more people have in common the more they are likely to hook up. But hey I’m not worried because of the age difference. Flavor 20 and Cat is 30. That long ten years make them have nothing in common.
RA: If I were you Dice I wouldn’t bring her over here anymore. I got a feeling Cat’s gonna snatch your girl like a mouse steal cheese from a mousetrap without getting caught.
Dice: I’m not worried about it one bit.
RA: It’s your life.
Cause all I’m loving is Apollo Creeds
Loving music and smoking some weeds
(RA and Dice exchange as complex ritualistic handshake after RA dropped that line off the top of his head)
(Cat’s talking to himself in his car while driving to the grocery store)
Cat: I need some money
But I don’t wanna see no honey
That I cant touch or taste
That would make my mind go to waste
With all of that temptation
A virgin is the best of all gods’ creation
And I shall not defile it with my hands
Cause you know a man is gonna be a man
(Cats still driving his car and his mind goes back to Saturday night)
Miss Flavor: Knock, knock
Cat: Hello come in.
Flavor: Hi is dice home
Cat: I don’t know you can check up in his bedroom.
Flavor: Okay I will check and see
Cat: Have a seat young ladies
Candy: That you
Erin: Thanks
Cat: So I hear you girls going to the ho-tel tonight. Yall gonna get your freak on.
Candy: Naw, I’m just gonna go to sleep.
Cat: yeah right
Flavor: Naw, he ain’t up there. You mind if I can use your phone to page and call him on his celly?
Cat: go right ahead.
Flavor: Where here waiting on you. We got the money to get a hotel.
Dice: Are you there alone with Cat.
Flavor: No there’s two of my friends here. Why you scared I’m gonna do something?
Dice: I wouldn’t dream of it.
Flavor: Ok bye
Cat: How come you haven’t introduced me to your friends.
Flavor: Oh I’m sorry this is Erin and Candy and they all have boyfriends.
Cat: Well thanks for letting me know. Save a brother from wasting his time.
(Cat talking under his breath: Or maybe perhaps she don’t want me to get with them because she wants me?. After all why is she sitting so close to me with her head down counting her money on my all pink couch)?
Flavor: I hope yall cleaned yourselves up before we go to the Hotel.
(She meant cleaned their ******* out)
Candy: Did you clean yourself?
Flavor: I don’t have to clean myself because I’m already pure. (Then she turned her head and looked at Cat dead in his eyes and said)
I’m a virgin. And they some hoes. (Little did flavor know Dice told him this two weeks ago)?
Cat: But tonight’s the night
Flavor: No. I don’t think I’m ready for all of that
( Everythang got silent for about 1 minute. But this was like 1 hour)
Erin: Why everything get so quiet all of a sudden.
(Silence was an indication that love waves were emitting between Flavor and Cat. Then Flavor broke the silence in the air when start to talk about the food, drinks and music they were going to take up to the hotel)
Flavor: I want to buy some Chinese food.
Cat: God **** don’t you think you eat too much. But it don’t matter cause you skinner than Olive oil from the cartoon Popeye.
(She then waved her finger around at me)
Flavor: Never mind him. So what music we gonna get.
Erin: We must have some Tupac
Flavor: I’m gonna get some SWV
Cat: I like SWV. Especially that one song that came out a couple of years ago I’m so into you.
(Flavor started looking at me shaking her head to interrupt the second line of the chorus
But Cat finished it by talking it looking down at the carpet to finish the rest)
Cat: And I don’t know what I’m gonna do.
(Before Dice came back to the house to take all the three girls to the hotel Flavor and Cat made the most powerful eye contact ever. Cat just about shited on himself. Cat knew from that moment on he could not have this girl alone in his presence. As they started to leave Candy make a short smart alec remark to Cat)
Candy: **** Cat you need to clean up your house
Cat: why don’t you clean it up for me?
Candy: For $20 dollars an hour.
Cat: 20 dollars I could go for that. (They weren’t really talking about cleaning the house because 20 dollars is the standard price for buying sex)
Cat: You guys have a good time and drive carefully.
(Cat parks the car and enters the grocery store. He gets back home and begins to cook Sunday dinner. Dice left to pick up his girlfriend. Just before the Italian spaghetti is finished Dice, RA and his girlfriend. Cat opens up the door with a smile on his face towards Flavor. The smile indicates Cat appreciates that Flavor still is maintaining her virginity. Dice looks at his girl and says "Whats he smiling for". Only dumb dogs can’t pick on non-verbal cues and invisible loves waves that are emitted. Everyone gathers around the dinner)
Cat: Please join us Miss Flavor
Flavor: No thanks all right I already ate some Catfish over my Dad’s house.
Cat: Too bad cause this is some fantastic stuff.
Flavor: I have to leave in five minutes anyway. I got to go make them dollars.
Cat: I know what you talking about. Money and love makes the world go around.
RA: And if you could only have one which would you pick?
Cat: Love
Flavor: Love
Dice: Money
Flavor: What did you say?
Dice: I was just playing
Flavor: Well you don’t play with me like that.
Dice: I said I was sorry
Flavor: Well anyway I have to be leaving. I’m trying to work as much overtime as possible because I’m going on a church fellowship next week in Atlanta, GA
Dice: (Dice talking under his breath) This is the perfect opportunity to set back up my pimp operations so I can get back on top of my money.
Flavor: I will see you guys later
Cat: Ok good-bye then.
(Everybody gathers around the dinner table to feast)
Dice: ******* Cat this is some good spaghetti. Where you learn to cook this?
Cat: I picked up on it from this girl I met in Rome when I was competing in the summer 1992 Olympics there.
RA: Is that all she taught you to do was cook.
Cat: As a matter fact no she taught me some other tricks of the trade.
Dice: Tricks all ways got some treats.
Cat: I wasn’t talking about sex Dice. God **** you always got sex, sex, sex on your mind.
RA: If you keep your head in the gutter you stay stinking. And I like to stink. But Dice you got a nice girl. Why don’t you settle down with her? Man I think she’s great.
Dice: If she loves me she will be there always for me.
Cat: I once read somewhere that even god’s spirit will not always dwell within man’s soul. And they say that God is love.
Dice: I don’t care because she is strung out on me anyway.
RA: Those strings made up of a spider’s web
Dice: Naw I’m not cut like that G
Cat: Speaking of cutting RA why don’t you cut us up some of that Blackberry pie I bought at the grocery store from Meijers.
(RA brings in slices of pie)
Cat: Thank you, thank you
Dice: Good looking out with the pie RA
RA: Your welcome
Dice: Cousin Cat
Cat: Yes
Dice: You think that you might be able to reconsider allowing my girlfriend to move in so she can help out with the rent?
Cat: Where the hell she gonna sleep. We only got three bedrooms. One for RA, you and then one for me?
Dice: We can get bunk beds.
Cat: Yeah right. I will see two beds but only one bed will be slept. See you think you slick.
Dice: Why you judging me. You got a child out of wedlock
Cat: That was an accident. Before that time I was something like an AC Green. But you see I was at this party man and I fell over this fly girl. We were dancing and she started rubbing her butt up against me and everything you know.
RA: So you were freak dancing right.
Cat: But that wasn’t all. I fell also into peer pressure where I started smoking some chronic. Now as you know chronic depending on the person can trigger an afrodiac type of reaction.
Dice: So all of the ingredients for temptation was staring you right in the face.
Cat: It was about three O' clock in the morning everybody left. Me and Brittany fell asleep on the couch. And the next thing I knew I woke up from my sleep feeling this type of wet liking thing all over me. It wasn’t like I initiated it. But after she got me work up I could not help but finish it. 9 months later little Akbar was born.
RA: Biggest mistake you ever made
Cat: My biggest accident of all time. Child support eating up my ***. And the judge is about ready to throw me in jail. Dirty diapers over and over there. But the next time I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna buy me a diamond ring and put in my safety deposit box in the bank until I meet the one.
RA: Sounds like a good plan. So who’s this woman?
Cat: I don’t know her and she don’t know me but Apollo knows. Cause after we get married he is gonna sing us a song.
Dice: Man you living in a fantasy world. All these hoes want is a bank account. You doing all of this preaching but you aint perfect.
Cat: Well just who’s perfect. Flavor aint perfect. She ran away when she was 15. She wouldn’t obey her mother’s dress code. She was wearing earrings and make up.
Dice: But after its all said and done she is still a virgin. And she only ran out the house because she was getting whipped for the slightest infractions. They made her strip off all her clothes and just tore her up. She couldn’t take it anymore so she got the hell out.
Cat: Well I didn’t know all of that. I feel sorry for you but she still can’t stay here.
Dice: What I can’t believe you Cat I thought you had a heart.
Cat: (Cat pause for a couple of seconds looking very concerned)
You wanna really know why I can’t let you move her in?
Dice: Why is this?
Cat: Now I don’t want you to get mad at me but I think I like Flavor Pie. And I don’t want to cause any static in our family because that would be disaster. If she lived in this house I would want to have her for myself. So why put myself in a situation that’s not good for all of us. Now you just gonna have to work on your raps and beats in between a regular job. Now you guys ain’t DJ Clue or Jay Z you gonna get out there and get a job.
Dice: (Dice talking under his breath "Whatever man")
Cat: Little RA you got the dishes tonight.
RA: I got the dishes every night
[5 days elapses]
Cat: Somebody get the phone, I’m in the bathtub.
Dice: I’ll get it. Hello
Flavor: Hi honey I’m at the airport getting ready to fly down to Atlanta for our church fellowship. I will be back in about 10 days.
Dice: thats Great
Flavor: What did you say
Dice: I said, "I cant wait".
Flavor: Wait for what
Dice: Wait for you to get back home.
Flavor: Blow me a kiss goodbye
Dice: I’m blowing (I’m blowing my pimp horn)
(Dice hangs up the phone and calls up a former Pimp partner Pimp Daddy Chessnut)
Chessnut: Whats up homie I haven’t heard from you and about a year. You still pimping
Dice: I’m trying to get back into the game. I need you to front me up with five hoes, a cell phone and some clothes until I can get back on my feet.
Chessnut: No problem man I remember you helped me out after I spent a year in jail because the man didn’t like me making all of that money and driving my big Cadillac.
Dice: Thanks man I really appreciate you looking out for me.
Chessnut: Come by the "Foxy Girls" bar tonight and I will introduce you to your five new hoes.
Dice: Peace out my brother.
(At the Foxy Girls bar)
Chessnut: Welcome back to the world of pimping.
Dice: I wont be in it long I just need to make some extra cash.
Chessnut: The money will spoil you. And once you get back on your feet I don’t think that you would wanna leave the game man.
Dice: You’ll see. I got a nice girl and I want to keep her.
Chessnut: Speaking of girls. Allow me to introduce you to your women. Stand up ladies. From right to left we have here. Cocoa , Spectrum, Adidiva , Medea and this right here is Connie.
Dice: Hi girls how yall doing. Ok let me run this down to you quick like because I have to be at another place at the rap studio for practice. All new clients we acquire give them my cell phone. The number is 777-93-11. I don’t want customers calling you directly because I will not be able to keep track of my money. I’m gonna have to be on the down low so all the money you make you will have to deposit in bank account. The name of the bank is NCDE credit union. The account number 7565408. Its under a false of Nevil Dolet. Have my money correct and make no mistakes. Now I have a girlfriend so never call me until the sun sets because we only hang out in the daytime.
( Too bad Dice didn’t know that the FBI had Chessnut under investigations. So when Dice called Chessnut his name and number was logged in their files. Everything was going nice and smooth. Dice paid off 2 months rent. He was sending out his demo tapes to Virgin records and other record labels. He was a big man riding around in a new car and with new clothes)
At the Apartment
Cat: Whats up dice how you doing?
Dice: I’m doing all right
Cat: I see you dressing sharp and got all of your rent paid up for yourself and RA. I hardly see you in the house. So what do you be doing?
Dice: Recording at the studio. Its time consuming.
Cat: Your girlfriend called she said she’s back from Atlanta?
Dice: Ok cool. Ok thanks I will give her a call right away.
Cat: I’m cooking Neck bones and cornbread tonight you want some.
Dice. Naw, I think I’m gonna take my girl out to the movies and go see Dracula.
RA: Can I go dog.
Dice: Naw. I need some of that one on one **** because I haven’t seen her in two weeks.
RA: All right then have a good time.
Dice: I intend to.
(Dice calling his girl on the phone)
Flavor: Hi Dice how you doing. I called you earlier.
Dice: I know Cat told me. Hey listen you wanna go to the movies tonight Dracula is showing.
Flavor: Well normally I don’t go out at night but since its to the movies I will make an exception.
Dice: That’s great I will pick you up at ten.
Flavor: Don’t be late. You know how you be having me wait all the time.
Dice: Ok.
(At the movies)
Dice: here have a seat. You want some popcorn.
Flavor: Yes please.
Dice: I will be right back.
(Theater commercial)
Dice: I’m back. My homeboy said Omar Epps is playing a good role in this movie.
Flavor: Well I just hope its good.
(After 1 hour into the movie Dice gets up to use the bathroom)
Dice: I will be back in a second I have to use the restroom I will be right back.
Flavor: Ok be quiet I’m trying to hear what they are saying.
(While Dice was using the can his cell phone starting ringing in his coat pocket he left in his chair)
Flavor: Jesus. I can’t even hear what Epps is talking about. I don’t Dice will mind me answering his phone. Hello who is this?
Kenneth: This Kenneth where’s Dice at.
Flavor: He’s in the bathroom. Can you call back later we are at the movies?
Kenneth: You just tell Dice that his ***** *** hoe Spectrum robed me after I went asleep. I woke up in the morning and my wallet was gone. Now he’s her man so he’s gonna have to make up for my lost. (Click)
Dice: Hi honey. Did I miss anything?
Flavor: Hell yeah you missing me. Who the hell is Spectrum? Are you back pimping.
Dice: What the hell you talking.
(Audience. Can you guys be quiet were trying to watch a movie. Take that **** outside)
Flavor: Take me home Dice right now.
Dice: Okay just relax. Don’t talk so loud.
Flavor: We are finished. Its over. I thought you would change.
Dice: Please just give me one more chance. I was only going to do it for a month. I just needed the extra cash.
Flavor: I can’t trust you and I don’t think your telling the truth.
Dice: But I’m telling you the truth.
Flavor: Tell that to the hoes you got out in the streets. I’m gonna find me another man who’s gonna respect me. Now with you being a pimp and I’m your girlfriend people are going to think I’m a prostitute. Did you ever think about that?
Dice: No I did not think about
Flavor: The only thing you were thinking about was money.
(As Flavor walks to her house she takes off her watch and throws it at Dice’s car)
Flavor: I don’t need your **** watch because you’re in a different time zone than me. Don’t call and don’t come over.
Dice: that’s all right I never wanted your stank *** anyway.
(But on the way home Dice dropped a couple of tear drops and was hurting inside. Dice extended his pimp game way past his one-month limit because he was so upset at losing his girl. After about 6 months in the pimp game Dice was arrested. The charges were dropped because none of his ******* would testify against him. Dice walk out the courtroom extremely proud and over confident. Just before he opened his car door he was confronted by an FBI agent and his probation officer)
FBI: So you think your off the hook?
Dice: It looks like it right pig. Oink, Oink.
FBI: Well let me just inform you about something here. I was talking to your probation officer yesterday. And we anticipated that if you didn’t get convicted there would be a plan B. You see Dice we got you on tape taking to a known felon, Chessnut. Now your probation agreement states clearly that you can’t associate with felons or else you will surrender your parole lease.
Probation Officer: Put your hands behind your back. Your going back to Jackson State Prison and finish up all your 8 calendar years.
Dice: **** you mother Fu..ker. Get off of me.
(Additional police arrive and commence to whip Dice down into submission. After spending about one year in prison Dice gets a letter from Flavor Pie-Orestes explaining the fact that she married Cat Orestes. Flashback)
Minister Jones: Do you Flavor Pie take this man Cat Orestes to be your husband for good or bad and his good or bad health until death part you.
Flavor: I do.
Minister Jones: Is there any one in this church who thinks this groom and bride should not be lawful wedded speak now or forever hold your peace.
Cat: (Talking under his breath) I’m glad Dice isn’t here.
(On their first night in bed Cat woke up during the middle of the night dreaming Dice broke out of jail and was beating him up)
Dice: You stupid mother Fu..ker. Who the hell you think you are writing this one-act play about me and my *******? Who you think you are that writer on The Best man?
Cat: No please don’t hit me. I meant you no harm.
(Cat wakes up in his sleep)
Flavor: Whats the matter honey.
Cat: Nothing I just had a bad dream. I’ll be… be back. I going to the bathroom to get a glass of water.
(As he was getting a glass of water he looked in the mirror and saw an image of Dice pointing his finger towards him. Cat immediately threw some cold water on his face and the image was no longer there)
(Curtains)
The End
Dear Mr. Pimp
So you wanna be a player
A woman slayer
Living off of human prey
Sex slaves you enlist
You can’t handle your business
So you resort to this
The innocence of the young you rob
All because you don’t want a job
Your virgin queen caught you in the act
And now she doesn’t want you back
Now I have your ex girl
And she means everything in the world
God’s given me a second shot
And now I’m gonna tie the knot
Shakespeare opinion on Virginity
All’s Well That ends well
Parolles: Are you meditating on virginity ?
Helena: Ay …man is enemy to virginity.
Parolles. Keep him out
Helena: but he assails; and our virginity though valiant, in defense yet is weak
Bless our poor virginity from underminers and blowers up! Is there no military policy, how virgins might blow up men?
Parolles: Virginity being blown down, man will quickler be blown up. : marry in blowing him down again…it is not politic in the commonwealth of nature to preserve virginity. Loss of virginity is rational increase and there was never virgin got till virginity was first lost. That you were made of is metal to make virgins. Virginity by being once lost may be ten times found; by being ever kept, it is ever lost: tis too cold a companion; away with it.
Helena: I will stand for a little, though therefore I die a virgin.
Parolles: to speak on the part of virginity, is to accuse your mothers; which is most infallible disobedience. He that hangs himself is a virgin: virginity murders itself; and should be buried in highways out of all sanctified limit, as a desperate offendress against nature. Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese; consumes itself to the very paring, and so dies with feeding his own stomach. Besides, virginity is peevish, proud, idle, made of self love, which is the most inhibited sin in the canon. Keep it not; you cannot choose but lose by it: out with it…away with it.
Parolles: Virginity , like an old courtier, wears her cap out of fashion: richly suited, but unsuitable: just like the brooch and the tooth-pick, which wear not now. Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek: and your virginity, your old virginity, is like one of our French withered pears, it looks ill, it eats drily; marry, tis a withered pear: it was formerly better: marry, yet tis a withered pear: will you anything with it?
Helena: Not my virginity yet….
Whose last name is Pie in the play who carries red mountains as cheeks?
My Velvet touch
Oh my thematic Virgins
I just got pimped out the studios,
Because the gossip of Virgins never go stale
I’m caught up in a vortex
For getting too visionary with verbs
And all the Vestals virgins of Ra
Threatening to give me a vile velvet touch
With their scared fire burning my village
If I dear to playwright on the vulva
If that happens I will ring my Vulcan phone
Cause Vulcan’s carry fire sticks too
Causing inflammation of the vulvitis
So don’t try to be saving Victoria’s secrets
Cause I got vcr’s and videotapes,
That could vent vasectomies on your vanity
These vipers will dispense with me
The VIP miss treatment of my body
Leaving my body vertically prone,
Soaking in vinegar
Verily, verily I say it’s so true
There will be no pietas or vital statistics
Being wrote or oil paintings of my image
I might have to change the venue
To escape being vaporized
From all of these here vandals
Trying to plug valves of the vivid
Trying to be like vampires allowing blood to run
Because it reads if it bleeds a vintage
No one will know
The hidden meaning of this tale
You can’t protect virgins that grow
With gossips that eventually grow stale