Parents & Baby Mamas

Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by maccdd, Oct 4, 2003.

?

Should parents it to themselves

  1. sometimes

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  2. @ all times

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  3. never

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  4. always be neutral

    2 vote(s)
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  1. maccdd

    maccdd Member MEMBER

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    I wish my parents would get it right. what I mean by this I have several (4) kids by 4 chicks, 1st by my ex-wife, 2 by ex-long term relationships, 1by current wife. They have chosen to show favor to one of my chilgren and his moms, and giving the "cold" to the rest (to include my current). What bothers me is that the there is no justifacation for this. The behavior causes problems with all the others, most of all my wife. My current wife especially doesn't get along with my sons mother who uses her relationship with my parents to "spit" @ my new family . The whole thing has given me fits although I try not to get in the middle it just seems that as my parents, fairness to my current family and all the kids would be most important. If anyone can relate please feel free to holla . Me.
     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Maccdd ... Welcome to the Family! :wave:

    You say you wish your parents would get it right, but how exactly do you define right? Did your parents, give their parents, grandchildren by several different folk to love and care for? What if your four children, do to you, what you've done to your parents. Do you know you'll have 16 grandchildren, by 16 different women? And your children will want you to love them all equally!

    While it may be easy for you to pick up and go on to the next relationship, it's obviously not that easy for your parents. I would guess that it is your first born child and their Mother, that has the best relationship with your parents, am i right?

    You have to understand that it takes a lot to open one's self up and care about another person, as intimately as a parent would care for their child's chosen life partner / mate. You must recognize the pressure you're putting on your parents, asking them to spread themselves so thin.

    The most important question in this situation is not if your parents are treating everyone properly, but are you? You see, it's your life, your choices, your actions that have caused this situation to exist, and it is also, all your responsibility, not your parents.

    A parent's responsibility to a grown child, is zilch. Anything you get above that, is a blessing and gift from that parent. It seems your parents are trying to give more than is required of them, it's just that it falls short of what you feel is needed and necessary.

    I'd suggest that you forget about what your parents are or are not doing, and live up to your full responsibility. Make sure you can say, "Yes, i'm doing all that i am suppose to do for my children." Sorry Brother, but the buck stops with you. Can't pass this one on to your parents.

    I'm sure you love your parents and appreciate all that they've done for you. Don't be too hard on them, they didn't ask for the situation you've given them to deal with. I'm going to step out here on my psychic abilities, and say that they'd probably be willing to do more for all involved, if you showed more sincere concern regarding your life choices. Instead, you're in this situation, 4 babies, 4 Mommas, and complaining that they aren't treating them equally. See anything wrong with this picture?

    In regard to your current wife dealing with previous babies and their Mother's issues and stuff, this is gonna be on you too my Brother. You've got to set the tone for mature and responsible dialogue and interaction when it comes to your children or their Mothers. You have a lifetime of dealing with all these people, and them all dealing with each other, to some degree or another. You have to look deep within yourself, find that super duper level of maturity that is in you, and guide the entire family, your wife and all your children, into a direction that keeps you all behaving as loving Family Members do.

    Stay focused my Brother, it's not too late to get it right.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  3. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    i probably could have summed up all of the above in the following sentences ...

    YOU picked a mate
    YOU had sexual intercourse
    YOU made a baby
    YOU got married
    YOU picked a mate
    YOU had sexual intercourse
    YOU made a baby
    YOU got a divorce
    YOU got married
    YOU had sexual intercourse
    YOU got a divorce
    YOU made a baby
    YOU picked a mate
    YOU made a baby

    and you wish your parents would get it right?

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  4. maccdd

    maccdd Member MEMBER

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    I hear and thank you for the insight. The thing that bothers me the most is that is not my 1st or second but the 3rd and most volitile. Yes this woman has spared us all some anguish by not going through the courts, but every discussion or action is a guilt trip. I have spread myself thin but I have "joint custody of all my children and also try , and I mean try to treat them (and thier mothers) equally. My strength, maturity as well as sanity is tested everyday but I appreciate the thoughts and will continue to give my all. I never thought though about the grandchildren thing that is very deep. I'm glad I've found this forum, atleast now I am it seems it may get harder to read some truths about myself. Thanks...... Me
     
  5. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hi Macdd ... wow ... bless your sweet heart. I'm not in your situation, but if i were ... i'd be doing whatever i had to do to keep these Sisters from going down town for child support. Keep that between you and the Mothers for as long as you can, keep them other folk out of your business. Do whatever you must to keep the peace. Even though she (they) may be difficult to deal with, let her trip ... whew ... i'm sure your current wife understands the drama you all are living right now, but it would be a lot worse if they all had you down town ... so go through these little motions ... trying to keep the peace and stuff.

    You mentioned above that you try to stay out of the middle of stuff, but you really need to take the lead Brother ... stay out of the middle by taking the lead. Guide your family, your children, in the direction you want them to go ... very calculated moves at this point because you don't have any room for errors.

    Much Much Love and Peace !!!

    and kiss the babies for Destee !!! :love:

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  6. maccdd

    maccdd Member MEMBER

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    my thanks for all the advice I have @ times not been much of a leader in this situation , but I have gottren back to showing my strength. Yes, I agree that Sharon (Loud Mouth) can be neutralized with the help of others input. I haven't gotten them together , yet at baseball practise her antics have been looked on as "ghetto", and ungratefull, because of the involvement I have with my kids. The support is starting also to come from other avenues but it is still "trying" to say the least When it comes to dealing with her one on one. marc
     
  7. Dual Karnayn

    Dual Karnayn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Mc

    Sheeeeeeyidd....you're probably a grandparent yourself with my posting 2 years after you started this thread, lol.

    I can't relate personally but I have a partner with several children by different women who is going through something similiar.

    Although I don't approve of his behavior either, his mother's behavior toward the male children seems a bit unfair to me.

    She takes her female grand children to live with her sometimes, participate in their sports activities, buys them new clothes and is actually a better mother to these girls than their own mother.

    But she has absolutely nothing to do with her grandsons and barely acknowledges thier existance.

    Perhaps this is her way of taking her anger at her son out on them, but it's wrong and she doesn't know how much damage her favoritism is doing to the psyche of these little boys.

    I have another friend who's mother does the same thing to HER children!

    Her mother takes the girls shopping, buys them cell phones, participate in school ativities and is a constant support in thier lives...but barely has anything to do with the boys.

    Infact, she is now giving my friends newborn baby girl more attention than she gives the boys.

    Orcourse all of this is jacked up if you ask me because none of them had any business having so many children out of wedlock, but if you have grandchildren....don't take the parent's mistakes out on them.
     
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