Black Relationships : Our view on marriage material

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by kente417mojo, Feb 3, 2004.

  1. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey Brothas. I have a question. Well, you know we as men get a bad rap as dogs who don't want to commit. My question is, in order to settle down with one woman, what are you looking for? To commit to that one person, what will it take? I have my preferences as far as the woman I want to spend my life with. I know a lot of brothas are dogs, but there are good ones that just don't want to settle for any woman that crosses their path. I mean, women are very picky when it comes to men, so we have the right not to get married to just any woman. Do you guys agree? For me to settle down it will take a woman that is caring, non-materialistic, or course faithful, someone who really cares about my happiness and is also willing to work together to build a better life. That's a big one because a lot of people want to walk right into a gold-mine. What do you guys think?
     
  2. Nightlance

    Nightlance Member MEMBER

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    Criteria for Compatibility

    :angel1:Ordinarily, for most Brothas, our relationships begin with a visual inspection of our prospective mate. Since most men are sexually aroused by visual cues, the curve in her hips, the glow of her smile, the rise of her breasts, and the color of her hair or eyes, these physical traits are the first things that are considered when bringing together one’s criteria for compatibility. Let’s face facts, we each have our own idea of the perfect mate, and each individual’s criteria are different, but it all begins with what we find sexually attractive. Although this criterion for compatibility varies widely from male to male, we all want a sexually attractive mate who is as attracted to us as we are to her. Even though most brothers won’t admit it, we all have experienced that moment when we saw a sista who we wanted to get with, but she didn’t want to get with us. In other words, we didn’t meet her criteria for compatibility, but she met ours. In keeping things real, I have to also mention that there have been instances where I met a sista’s criteria for compatibility, but she failed to meet mine. So, I would say that a reciprocal degree of sexual attraction is the essential ground of any lasting relationship.

    Next, after mutually finding each other sexually attractive, the relationship moves to the personal level of compatibility that involves the private exploration of mutual interests. This level is grounded in sincere communication and requires a considerable degree of honesty and self-disclosure about who you are, and what are your plans or goals in life. Again, for each individual, his or her criteria for compatibility are different, so, “one man’s trash maybe another man’s treasure.” In fact, some people arrive at this level in their relationship only to find out that their prospective mate has a pretty face, but no goals that they could work together to achieve, or their prospective mate maybe carrying a lot of baggage from a previous relationship. Whatever the case, their prospective mate has failed to meet all of their necessary criteria for commitment, so the relationship is usually ended.

    Personally, the sista that stole my heart is sexually attractive, warm, honest, educated, independent, spiritually centered, and loved me as much as I loved her, but that was my criteria for commitment. What’s yours?
     
  3. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Let's re-visit this thread. There seems to be some sort of..... issue in the community regarding which sisters get married, and which sisters become baby mama drama. For now, lets' ask the married brothers what attracted them to their wives? And for the single brothers, What are you waiting for?
     
  4. MississippiRed

    MississippiRed Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm married now and have been for the past 10 years and there is no way if me and my wife would split I would not get married again...to be completely honest I am a true garden tool the one that rhymes with row.....but marriage is a job man a real job..maybe I married too young, maybe the wrong woman, maybe I wasn't ready to settle down with one woman..maybe I just love chasing I honestly don't know but marriage again is out...I think that some men just aren't made to be good husbands or maybe they dont' let themselves become good husbands...hmmm... guess I can't answer that question then as to what men look for in a wife because it's a whole different set of things than you look for in your woman, or your backdoor friend or whatever you want to call it...

    :smokin:
     
  5. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    So, let's compare....

    List A = wife
    List B = homey lover friend?
     
  6. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Wife Material:

    A woman has to invoke feelings of trust & loyalty in a man. Someone who a man enjoys spending time with in & out of bed. A woman with similar, or complimentary goals in terms of family & future. A woman that a man can respect, who he feels will be a good mother to his children....wow there are too many things to mention. I can say this ladies: From personal experience and from observing other couples...it doesn't take a man that long to determine whether or not he wants to marry a woman (usually within 1-2 years).
     
  7. MississippiRed

    MississippiRed Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    To me List A and B have very similar traits...
    A..
    A woman that I am physically attracted to
    I can trust her with my life and the lives of my kids
    she loves me almost as much as I love her or more
    we share a vision about where we want to go as a family unit
    she's there for me when I need support regardless of what kind
    she can cook.. :devil:
    for the most part she's a good woman
    we can have fun together out of bed
    can't think of anything else right now..
    List B
    She has to look good
    she has to be good in bed
    I can trust her with my life(which you do everytime you bed with her)
    would rather she want me much more than I want her
    she likes spending money on me
    we can have fun together out of bed for a minute anyway( for the most part I try not to walk around with backdoor friends)
    she doesn't mind putting in work for me(running errands, picking me up , taking me where I may need to go when I'm not driving, etc)
    she has to be a freak willing to do what I want when I want to do it(of course I would reciprocate)
    thats all I can think of right now... :devil:
     
  8. greggy

    greggy Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The qualities to look for in a good woman may vary from one person to another but the same basic qualities are evident no matter what:
    truth, trust, respect, honesty, loyalty, openess, commitment to making a relationship work, and a serious no time for BS attitude, are just a few of the primary qualities that make up a good woman.

    Some may marry now-a-days for the lust of it all only to find out in short order that they don't love their partners after all because of the character or whatnot. People are ready to get married now over the simplest reasons....where is the love?
     
  9. jazzymoonchild

    jazzymoonchild Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree Greggy. I know people who have married for "reasons" other than love. I call them Corporate Mergers. When you go into a marriage that has no love in it, no warmth, you only do what is expected, such as show up at events, pop out 1 or 2 children to complete the picture, and get the house and 2 nice vehicles. But the parents don't relate to each other, and the children are usually brats because the parents dote on them and not on each other or cultivating the marriage. They are designed for benefits, like Health Insurance, or security, not companionship, friendship, loyalty or love.

    I know too many folks like this. I am sorry, but I would rather be on Section 8 and unemployed than come home every day to a man who I didn't love and who I knew didn't love me. There's not a benefit in the world that his employment or acquaintance can offer stronger than a mutual love and respect. People don't take the time out to get to know each other anymore. It is a straight B-line to the bedroom, or for some folks, the floor by the front door. I'm not pressed to be married again right now because I want to get to know someone as much as I want them to know me. I will remain single until he comes along. People have to recognize that they have options. Once you get married, your option is A: your wife or B: your husband
     
  10. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I would argue that most people today don't marry for love, which is in my opinion why the divorce rate is so high.
     
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