I am turning into a crotchety old man because I hate the smell of men’s cologne. However, this causes a dilemma for me because my wife likes the smell of cologne on me and I like to please my wife. I don’t know what happened to me, but the smell of perfume and cologne is repugnant to me. As a kid, I always liked the smell of cologne. It was one of the ways I recognized my dad. I am not sure what kind of cologne he wore, but whenever I smelled it, I knew he was home because it smelled like him. My favorite smells in cologne are thoroughly antiquated and out of date. I love the smell of Old Spice. It still has a fresh and manly smell to me that is at once distinctly robust but not overpowering or sweet. I do not know who made it, but to this day, I could easily pick out that memorable aroma in a room of other sashaying fragrances even as they tiptoed through the tulips. Though it is robust and manly it is a subtle fragrance that is hard to place because it seems to mix so well with the body’s natural scent that it becomes different on each person who wears it. Aqua Velva was good but it could not touch Old Spice. I tried English Leather but I ended up smelling like a horse instead of the leather used to saddle them. I liked the smell of a few colognes after that period, but I am no connoisseur because I also liked the smell of gasoline. Therefore, my nose is not that great and I don’t wear cologne except for my wife. Nowadays I listen to women as they swoon over a particular fragrance a man is wearing. Whatever happened to butt watching? Now walking into a room filled with men and women is like strolling into an allergy garden packed with musk, spores, orders, aromas, smells and a primitive stench searching for olfactory dominance. In the old days, I would have said something inane or politically incorrect like “all the men smell like sissies,” but I know I would have insulted a few of my friends. So, I have reached what is now an obvious conclusion, I am a “cologne bigot.” I hate it on men and especially on myself. Of course, that makes me a sexist because it implies that I think it is okay for women, which I don’t. I loved my mother’s perfume and the perfume that my wife so carefully selects but I prefer the smell of natural women to perfume. I have truly become a cologne bigot because I do not like it on anyone. Perfume or cologne residue often greets me on the empty elevator when I get to work. It makes my nose tingle, my eyes water and my head ache. Fortunately, most people don’t follow the ways of the forefathers of this country who did not believe in bathing. In fact, they thought bathing caused sickness. Early American Indians found settlers quite offensive to the nose and were sure to stay down wind from them. However, this lack of bathing did not stop those who could afford it from liberally sprinkling cologne on top of body odor. It is still done to this day. Perhaps, some Indian heritage is making itself apparent in my olfactory senses. Of course, my affliction helps me be sure of who my friends are and how they feel about me. I have made it known that I don’t care for cologne. As a gift, I consider it the equivalent of the tie with a dancing hula girl on it. However, despite my bigotry, I would accept a bottle of Old Spice if anyone wanted to give me one.