Black Relationships : Need Advice On Dealing With C**kblocking Ex.

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Joy, Sep 15, 2003.

  1. Joy

    Joy New Member MEMBER

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    I recently bumped into my ex, the father of my child, at a night club while out with friends. Our relationship ended seven months ago (he just left, saying he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship) and we can't seem to get along more than a few days at a time. When he gets very angry with me, he calls me a ***** or a ho. He's told me constantly that he no longer wants me, hates me, and that I'm going to be by myself. He loves rubbing my nose in his new relationship (with a woman who has three kids he complains about constantly). He's also been neglecting our daughter emotionally during all this, rarely exercising his visitation. This is the crux of most of our arguments. I'll admit my nagging him about it isn't helping the situation, but I don't want my daughter to feel her daddy doesn't care about her.

    At the night club, I basically ignored my ex and tried to enjoy the evening. I was asked to dance by several men and two were interested in getting to know me better. Every time someone approached me or tried to catch my eye, my ex would come over and nuzzle my neck or whisper in my ear. He told me he knew exactly what I was trying to do and that he was going to c*ckblock all evening. I became angry and told him that he had a woman and that I wanted him to leave me alone. He replied that the new woman was not his woman (even though he's living with her) and again called me a *****. He left the club, angry and pissed. So he's expressed to me that he doesn't want me anymore. Why then, would he care whether I have a new man or not? My friends say he wants me back. I say he just doesn't want to see me happy. I really want to get along for our daughter's sake, but it seems like I'm the only one trying and my efforts usually end up in an argument (some of them are my fault). It's very frustrating because when I try to talk to him, he refuses to return my calls or hangs up in my face. How can I mend fences with my ex and what was his motivation for c*ckblocking? Thoughts?
     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hello Joy ... Welcome to the Family! :wave:

    Gosh, as i read this i thought ... does she really want advice regarding this situation?!! ... there is so much drama in here! :eeek: ... then as i read, i realized the seriousness, because it is your daughter's father and like it or not ... you're bound together forever.

    Gosh Sister, you've got to set some boundaries, some lines he just can't cross. Nuzzling you in a club?!! :nono: as well as a host of other things ... you are encouraging the drama by allowing these lines to be crossed. So of course if he can nuzzle you in a club, he's going to think you are his and is going to get in the way of anyone else being with you ... which makes it available for him whenever he wants it (whenever he tires of who is currently with) ... and of course his being with someone else doesn't matter, you've allowed it not to matter ... because he was allowed to come up to you in a club and nuzzle you, with you knowing that situation existed ... and on top of all of this ... he's your baby's daddy too !!!! :eeek: ... oohhh Lercy ... :) ... now you're torn between doing the right thing, keeping him somewhat happy ... so your daughter can have benefit of her father ... *sigh* ... between a rock and a hard place ... but you know what Sister ... nothing that happens between the 2 of you should affect his relationship with his daughter ... that's on him ... and you can't make him be the man he needs to be ... the man that irregardless of situation or circumstance, will be there for his daughter ... you can't make that happen Sister, as much as i know you'd like to ... that's on him ... so cancel that ... just keep the doors always open to him, for his daughter ... encourage your daughter to love her father irregardless of all things ... and draw the lines between the 2 of you ... so that you can provide for your daughter and live a life as drama free as possible ... it's this kind of drama that takes lives ... folk being jealous, thinking something is theirs, that isn't ... disrespecting, shooting, stabbing ... nawww Sister ... both you and your daughter deserve better than this. You must insist upon it. You must make it happen.

    Stay Focused My Sister.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  3. Joy

    Joy New Member MEMBER

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    The nuzzling...

    …caught me by surprise. He'd do it when my attention was elsewhere. The boundaries were well drawn before this incident. He said he didn't want a relationship, so after my 'mourning' period, I moved on. His actions at the night club came out of nowhere and caught me completely off guard.

    I know I have to let him be the man as far as our daughter is concerned, but it really breaks my heart when she asks about her father and I can't tell her where he is or when he's going to call.

    I've been lurking here for a month and really enjoy reading all the topics. Thanks for the welcome!
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Joy ... glad you finally posted and joined Sister!!! Okay, the boundaries are clear and the nuzzling was a surprise. It's good that you have that taken care of.

    Tell me, how old is your baby? If she is real young, it should be easy to answer her questions regarding where her father is. Just tell her that Daddy is at work, or at home, or whatever. Or you could say, i don't know where Daddy is, but i'm sure he'll be calling you soon. Keep her spirits lifted regarding her father, yes, covering for him ... but more importantly, encouraging her to think fondly of her father. Who knows, perhaps somewhere down the road, he may come to himself, and want to be the father he should ... and if he doesn't, you know you did your part to protect your baby, keep her spirits and thoughts positive, and her heart soft when thinking of her father. :)

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. Joy

    Joy New Member MEMBER

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    She is six...

    ...and seeing her friends and cousins with their fathers usually is what prompts her to asks about hers.
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Sister Joy ... i may be all wrong here, but this is what i feel in my Spirit to share with you ...

    this situation is going to have to stop breaking your heart, before you can help your daughter with any pain she may be feeling.

    Your heart is broke Sister. You are disappointed. You are sad. You know the great loss she's experiencing, and it is your total inability to fill this gap completely ... knowing that she is missing a great part of herself ... that breaks your heart.

    But you've got to get over this. Recognize that it exists and move on. Come up with ways to help her not feel the pain you are feeling righ now. Protect her. Insulate her. But if you are feeling that pain, she will feel it too. So you must first accept it totally and completely inside yourself, that this is the situation. Then move your life and family in a direction that makes this great loss, not so painful ... because you've filled in the gaps as much as possible.

    Do that Sister ... because really, the babies are so okay ... all they want is love and they aint too terribly particular about where that love comes from.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    What fence is there to mend between you and your ex?

    If it's broken and you can't fix it, how many chances do you give your ex to keep upsetting the apple cart?

    Is it really important for you to understand why he (I don't like this term) c**kblock? Is this what you're going to the club looking for?

    If you feel so bad that your daughter doesn't have a decent father, then what are you doing to help her and to find someone who can be? What characteristics are you attracted to and what have you learned from your past relationship?

    Are you still 'in love' with your ex? If you were genuinely in love with him, 7 months separation is really not that long to be completely over him. After all, regardless of how cruel he sounds, you still have a child together. But don't feel as though you have to accept him on his terms if you try but fail to get along.

    People can only do what you give them permission to do. You appear to be intelligent so I'm sure you know that already. You said he caught you by surprise but if you really don't want your ex "nuzzling" your neck--in private or in public--what did you do to send him the message so that he won't make the mistake of doing it again?

    Exactly what do you tell your daughter as an answer to her questions about her father? How do you handle the conversation?

    I'm a little confused about the timeframe so help me to understand it better.

    You and your ex broke up 7 months ago because he claimed he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship yet you and he have a daughter who is 6 years old?

    Were you married or just cohabitating?

    When did he suddenly discover that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and how long have you known?

    Did something recent happen to make him upset enough to call you rude names or has this been a part of his nature all along?

    When I had my daughter, I learned quickly how important it was not to be a "do as I say and not as I do" type parent. Thinking ahead into the future, you have a daughter...suppose she was in a relationship with a man like your ex (her father), what advice would you give her?

    Welcome to the forums, Joy. I look forward to your response....

    Peace!!
     
  8. Joy

    Joy New Member MEMBER

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    <<What fence is there to mend between you and your ex?>>

    Actually, there is none. In my efforts to reduce the drama, I always try to at least maintain a civil relationship with him.

    <<If it's broken and you can't fix it, how many chances do you give your ex to keep upsetting the apple cart?>>

    I have no answer to that.

    <<Is it really important for you to understand why he (I don't like this term) c**kblock? Is this what you're going to the club looking for?>>

    It's not really important to understand why he suddenly doesn't want me to with another man. Call it curiosity. I've witnessed this behavior in quite a few men who claim they've moved on, but seem not to want to let their ex move on as well. I ventured out to the club to simply enjoy a night out with friends. I'm not looking for a relationship now because I'm not completely healed from the last one.

    <<If you feel so bad that your daughter doesn't have a decent father, then what are you doing to help her and to find someone who can be? What characteristics are you attracted to and what have you learned from your past relationship?>>

    As I mentioned above, I'm not looking for a new man or a new father for my child. If I was, I'd want someone who respects me and does not play games. What have I learned from my past relationship? That I no longer wish to be disrespected or taken for granted.

    <<Are you still 'in love' with your ex? If you were genuinely in love with him, 7 months separation is really not that long to be completely over him. After all, regardless of how cruel he sounds, you still have a child together. But don't feel as though you have to accept him on his terms if you try but fail to get along.>>

    I still have feelings for him, but I think I fell out of love the first time he called me the 'b' word. I am weary of the unhappiness and drama, so I've chosen to move on. I do try to accept him on his terms to keep the peace. It seems as if when we are warring with one another, he stays away from my daughter as well as me.

    <<People can only do what you give them permission to do. You appear to be intelligent so I'm sure you know that already. You said he caught you by surprise but if you really don't want your ex "nuzzling" your neck--in private or in public--what did you do to send him the message so that he won't make the mistake of doing it again?>>

    Why am I responsible for his behavior? If I'm minding my own business, making no eye contact or overtures, basically ignoring my ex, where is the message I sent him that had him making a beeline from one side of the club to the other to 'be messy'. The motivation was his alone. I continued to discourage him by ignoring him until a forceful 'leave me alone' got him to finally do that and storm out of the nightclub.

    <<Exactly what do you tell your daughter as an answer to her questions about her father? How do you handle the conversation?>>

    I simply tell her he's at work or sometimes I'm honest and say 'I don't know'. If she's really interested in seeing him, I'll dial his number for her and let her talk to him or leave him a message to call her.

    <<I'm a little confused about the timeframe so help me to understand it better. You and your ex broke up 7 months ago because he claimed he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship yet you and he have a daughter who is 6 years old?>>

    Our relationship has been off and on for the past eight years. BTW, he is 35, I am 37.

    <<Were you married or just co-habitating?>>

    Neither.

    <<When did he suddenly discover that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and how long have you known?>>

    About eight months after we reunited again, he decided he didn't want a serious relationship. We were growing closer and talking marriage and buying a home together. Then he just stopped calling and coming by. And gave me an explanation, when I pressed him for one, a week later. No, I didn't see it coming.

    <<Did something recent happen to make him upset enough to call you rude names or has this been a part of his nature all along?>>

    Maybe it's because I rejected him when he tried to come back a few months ago. I had already made up my mind that I'd had enough. Other than that, I have no idea what's going on with him that would make him behave this way.

    <<When I had my daughter, I learned quickly how important it was not to be a "do as I say and not as I do" type parent. Thinking ahead into the future, you have a daughter...suppose she was in a relationship with a man like your ex (her father), what advice would you give her?>>

    I shield my daughter from the negative aspect of our relationship and to be fair, my ex does as well. Honestly, I can't say what I'd tell her if she were to find herself in such a relationship. In my opinion, sometimes it's best to let people learn from their mistakes. I suppose I would share with her my painful experiences and then let her make her own decision.

    You know, Queen, I think I try so hard with him because I'm getting older and want peace in my life. It seems my effort to reduce drama only create more. In a nutshell, I just want us to get along.
     
  9. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Joy, thank you for patiently answering my questions because I was probing deep to find out whether you were a whiner or a winner. You're a winner in my view.

    Your relationship...I'm sorry this has caused you a lot of pain. It's a road that none of us wants to travel but many find themselves on it. It might be easier and far more productive to know what it is that you intend to do with your life than to figure out why your ex is doing what he's doing to maintain your attention.

    I hope that your life improves daily Joy...for your sake and your daughter's. Do something every day to encourage that to happen even if it's nothing more than a dream of a better time when you gain peace in your life.

    I'm sure every effort you make to reduce drama won't be in vain...it might seem that way now, but hopefully, if you don't give up, you'll reap rewards for being tenacious and persistent. I've learned from experience that your life is a direct reflection of your attitude. If I may, I'd like to show you support by making a suggestion sister.

    Find healthy and doable ways to keep your spirit up. Set a future goal and work hard to keep your eyes on the prize. If you falter at times, don't beat up on yourself or stay down. Visualize your life as you would like for it to be and lean forward into the head-winds and keep pressing in that direction. One of my favorite affirmations is: "If it is to be, it's up to me!" You have my permission to use it if you think it will work for you!

    Sister I wish you peace and a prosperous life!

    Queenie
     
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