Black Short Stories : My Key, Maya

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Nubian One, Sep 20, 2004.

  1. Nubian One

    Nubian One Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Ok yall, I'm new here and I'm a senior in HS. i had to write a short personal essay.. I need feed back.. Let me know if it captures your attention and if not what can i do to intrigue my audience. I truely believe that I am the worst writer in the world. *cries*... I need help, Criticism, anything you have to offer... okay here goes..I also need to know if my title is ok.


    She was a scrawny, vibrant girl. She was diminutive in size, probably no more than 4’3”. Her energy and intelligence was one of a person twice of size. Her smile could lighten up any dark room and the enchanted sparkle in her hazel brown eyes was spellbinding. Her long dark brown hair draped vivaciously, spiraling down her back. She was seven years old and was in the second grade. She was playful and she had a magnificent youthful spirit. We met on the monkey bars. Her name was Maya and – she was deaf.
    The school yard was filled with cheerful little children. My eyes brighten as my Aunt Pauline and I approached the school’s grounds. I noticed the glistening metal sliding boards, the dazzling yellow monkey bars, swings, and the giant red balls. I anxiously let go of my aunt’s hand and ran as fast my little legs would allow me to. The sun was shining ever so bright, one this humid 90 degree day in the dead of summer, but for an energetic girl like myself heat was certainly not a factor. I giggled, jumped, hopped, bounced, ran, screamed, and skipped as I played. I was having a blast. I felt like I was in heaven. I couldn’t have asked for anything more than to be with other children, running around and playing without a care in the world. I played and played before realizing that they all were deaf.
    Every summer Aunt Pauline would drag me along to the PA School of the Deaf (PSD). She would go to volunteer and visit the staff and deaf children. I remember my first time there as if it was yesterday; it was my first encounter with a deaf person and a real eye opener. I remember how Aunt Pauline would help around the school and in the classrooms. I would just stare at her as her hands began to speak. The gestures were intriguing. I wanted to do what she was doing. Although, I had no idea what they meant, I imitated the signs she did. It wasn’t long before I could hold a conversation in sign language. It was truly amazing to me how deaf people communicated.
    Maya wasn’t just a girl. She wasn’t just someone I met on the monkey bars. We were more than just playground buddies. Maya happens to be one of my closet friends. There was something inside of her I wanted to know and learn more about. She intrigued me. Over the years Maya hasn’t only been a companion but she has helped me grow as a person. I was once, a child who was basically oblivious to the deaf community, through Aunt Pauline’s involvement with PSD, I was able gain insight about the Deaf culture.
    Now 10 years later I still have a passion for the deaf community, for sign language and for psychology. Maya has been one of the most significant people in my life. When I realized she was deaf, so many things began to run through my head. I was confused, yet excited. Confused because she was just like me – but deaf, excited to learn more about her and learn how to communicate. Particularly I wanted to know whether or not the minds and behavior of deaf people different from that of hearing people? I wanted to get inside her head; I wanted to experience what it was like to be in her shoes. Although, I never had the opportunity to actually see what it was like to be in her shoes I was able to grow up with her..
    One life can have an enormous impact on the lives of others. Its hard to imagine what things would have been like if I never had the opportunity to meet Maya. Sometimes we need a key to unlock the possibilities and the potential that lies with in us. For me Maya was my key. She unlocked a whole other world; a world I didn’t know existed. She helped me to unlock what was in my heart; a passion I grew to love.
     
  2. sarcasm4eva

    sarcasm4eva Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    bad writer?, who told u that mess.lol. this was def. tyte. a good introduction..u could explain to ur audience what an avg. day for maya was like n how that influenced u. much love :)
     
  3. Nubian One

    Nubian One Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I always thought that i wasn't that great of a writer. No matter how much I try I'm never satisfied w/ my work. But as the saying goes.. Practice makes perfect..

    Thanx for the feedback..I'll definitely tell my audience what a day was like for Maya, how and how much its influenced me. i 'pprecite it..
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this was very good a great piece of story ....we seem to never be pleased
    with our own work but know it do shine indeed , i like dis pt.2 please!!!!!
     
  5. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Not only are you a very skilled writer but you're ability to communicate
    and convey your thoughts and emotions effectively is exceptional.
    The descriptiveness throughout this essay painted an intriguing picture
    and allowed the reader to see through your eyes and touch your experiences.
    I think this is a wonderful essay. Well done!
     
  6. Nubian One

    Nubian One Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanx yall soo much.. i began to revise it.. add a lil here and there.. i'll keep yall updated..

    more feedback is certainly welcome..

    how would you think an admissions officer would view this essay..?
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    should get a very positive view .....most welcome and thank u for sharing
     
  8. Ireadastory

    Ireadastory Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I thought you did a very nice job with this essay. There were a few grammatical errors but in all I really liked this piece. It was heart warming and it just feels believable. For the record, I don't think I am a good writer either. All artists are critical of there work, so hey you are normal, you just keep writing and I'll keep reading.
     
  9. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Repeat What angel wrote. I believe you have a very good way of describing a story and taking your reader into the many aspects and details. Your future looks bright to me!

    " Sometimes we need a key to unlock the possibilities and the potential that lies with in us. "

    This is so true. I have had simular experiences. In Love and in relationships growing up. I love being inspired. I also never pass up letting those who inspire me know they did. Nothing like another or something you encounter can do this. I keep my eyes and heart open all the time. I don't want to miss those inspiring moments. Welcome to the forum... Keep writing.
     
  10. Prizefighter16

    Prizefighter16 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i usually don't have time to read the good stories in here, but im glad i read yours, because it was really interesting, and heartfelt. You got a talent with the pen, who's been telling you different?
     
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