Poetry Critiques : My heart skipped a beat

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by queentswana, Jan 30, 2005.

  1. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    MY HEART SKIPPED A BEAT

    I didn't hear the sound of your footsteps last night,

    *And suddenly my heart skipped a beat*

    I waited and waited...but no footsteps came,

    *And suddenly my heart skipped a beat*

    Where can you be...it's half past 3
    and dear heart, it's cold out tonight.

    Did we part with a fight, when you left last night?
    did I say anything... that didn't sound right?

    There's no footsteps yet, and it's almost 4
    no peace will I have...till you walk through that door.

    Will my mind run wild, like it sometimes do,
    at the thought of being here...with the absence of you.
    and the thought of no you...turned my whole world blue...

    *And suddenly my heart skipped a beat*

    I tossed and turned, the whole night throu,
    hoping and praying...for the safety of you.
    daylight has come...and it's the hour of 5
    my eyes are now swole...from my all night cries.

    Then suddenly...from out of nowhere,
    I heard his footsteps on the stairs.
    My heart relaxed, and my face have a grin,
    he's come back safe...but where has he been?

    Well the answer to that... was a mystery,
    so I kindly told him to return my key.
    And go back where...from which he came,
    cause I don't have time...for these silly games.

    This time, by choice...I am all alone,
    not for him, or no one...will I fall from my throne.
    It's been real my love, ...it's been a nice ride,
    and as much as it hurts me...
    I must say good-bye

    *My heart skipped a beat*
     
  2. SEPIATEA

    SEPIATEA New Member MEMBER

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    Lovely illustration of the contrast between weak and strong. Something that all of us can relate to from a past (or current) episode... my heart beats with this poem
     
  3. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    sister qt...i see you came over here with some heat.

    let me first say that i would not change a thing with this piece...it flowed very smoothly and i really dug the rhyme'n scheme. now, let me tell you how this poem made me feel.

    you started off the poem by laying in bed, wondering where your man was. thoughts racing thru your head with your heart skipping a beat. this is something that most people can identify with in some shape form or fashion. the part that really made this a great read was that when he did get home, you didn't act like the emotionally weak person in the begining. you derived strength from somewhere and did the best thing for you to do in this situation. this poem left me with a wow and the end after everything was said and done. but, after everything was said and done, why does your heart still skip a beat? get back with me on this question....bravo poet!

    one love
    khasm
     
  4. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    :) hi sister queen :wave: :)

    One can always count on you to come with the sincere emotive pieces :)

    I found this piece interesting because...when one usually hears "my heart skipped a beat" its out of joy but this was a spin on things. I could see you standing there waiting for him. Searching the street through the windows. Trying to busy yourself to keep him off your mind. Wanting only his safe returrn...and then he did return and once that picture was complete YOU saw the whole picture you ended it. I wouldnt change anything either sister :)

    But it did leave me wondering a few things...
    What brought about the change? This is one of those pieces that enlightens while it testifies and I feel like there is a piece of the moral that you have yet to share with us. A glimpse of the grand scheme of things in respects to you and your newfound understanding.

    You are the QUEEN on your throne bestowing unto us your wisdom...complete it sister...:) shine upon us that aesops fable goodness and seal it :)
     
  5. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Queentswana

    This poem, I liken to a marvelous painting needing just the right frame. All of the artist's sentiment and emotion is here. Her resolve in the end, somewhat cliche, is troubled by the somewhat repetitious

    " And suddenly my heart skipped a beat ".


    Perhaps reducing the hook to: "My Heart Skipped A Beat", would help.


    Nothing changes the fact that in my opinion this poem is a winner. I'd like to take it home and frame it. ~
     
  6. MzBlkAngel

    MzBlkAngel Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hey Qt...

    This is a great poem it took me in, your thoughts took you and began to worry hoping and waiting and when the wait was over the relief came then went back to worrying where he had been.

    Well the answer to that... was a mystery,
    so I kindly told him to return my key.
    And go back where...from which he came,
    cause I don't have time...for these silly games


    Speaks if your heart knew where he been
    and that fight that was at the beginning
    was to get out the house as if he was cheating.

    This time, by choice...I am all alone,
    not for him, or no one...will I fall from my throne.
    It's been real my love, ...it's been a nice ride,
    and as much as it hurts me...
    I must say good-bye


    It speaks like a cycle that this was not the first time this happened
    releazing you had to be true to you no matter how it hurts. But what is best.

    I like this scribe and I wouldnt change a thing about it.

    Peace
    Angel
     
  7. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    After everything was said and done, my heart skipped a beat for the departure I knew would come...for my own peace of mind.
     
  8. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well if my heart skips a beat, I need a good reason to have made it skip. You can't walk in after an all night disapparence and bring to my heart:
    I was with the boys all night...shooting the sh*t...
    or
    I got drunk and chilled on my boy's couch ...but...
    everythings cool, you know I love you
    and my response is: "Love should have brought you home last night". if my heart have to skip a beat, it just ought to be from not eating right. I won't allow anyone to hold that much power over me...for long.
     
  9. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Hi poet,
    thanks for the props on this, I trust both your judgement and wisdom, concitere it changed to ..."My heart skipped a beat"
    And it would please me to have you frame a part of my "Heart" ...in your home.
     
  10. queentswana

    queentswana Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks for the great ratings on this one angel heart, in this new forum, I feel a growth coming on.
     
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