Discussion in 'Black Parenting' started by aglo, May 6, 2006.
you have to stay in the game. keep talking and teaching.
there will be plenty of "role models" for him to chose from.
you need to explain to him why some of them are not cool.
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you need to define for him what is good.
aglo, I was a single mom for many years, my first husband passed away also. And I too worried about the same things you are now worried about. I too, put my two older boys in sports etc. and I noticed that they really appreicated the male teachers more than the females at school. If feel that espeically boys, need strong, good male models. But it was so hard finding anyone that would fit the bill. I was in a strange country with no male relatives around and only just finding my way around myself.
But word of caution though, don't just get together with someone just to get a male figure in your kids life, it is not that easy finding someone who will love your children as you love them.
While i'm not a sista but a single father .
my advice to you is to continue to communicate with your children they can learn
a lot from there mother yes you can fill the void to an degree but expressing your
love as you do and huggin them / talk to them about things as time permit and a
new love comes into your life and the children be aware of his goals , his love for
children and watch how affectionate he may be toward them.
what you can do to fill the void is stay true to them tell them manly things you know
and show them through good role models like being a spokes person for good male
role models you know of and let them see the goodness these
men do this will help fill the void until your heart can do the same and befriends with
a new mate , but do take your time making this choice that will be over your children
every child needs a mother & father but for so many reason so many fall short
of this goal more often by force then choice , do your best and good luck !
Most welcome and thank you as well , we all need some luck , hope & faith
in the up bringing of our children so they don't get corrupted by the street life.
I started the thread "Fathers and their little boys" because I was not sure how important it was to hug and kiss our young boys. I see now that there is a good reason for men to express their love in that way. Our sons need that special relationship with a male role model, but I think that the most important thing is to make sure that out little boys dont get any "special treatment." Have you ever heard of the phrase "Mothers raised their daughters and love their sons?" I honestly think that it is true. If our little boys are not taught to be responsible at a young age, more than likely they will not be responsible as adults.
My advice.....Do all you can to RAISE your son and not just love him. Give him the tools to be a good provider for his future wife and children. Make him understand that responsibility is apart of becoming a man. (Take that trash out, do that homework before you go outside and play, etc.)
If you are already doing those things, I salute you sista.
Sister Aglo, sorry I haven't responded to this post much earlier, but like a lot of folks, I get a little too involved in the juicy stuff up above(smile!)
Sorry to hear the response your father has toward your son, but it's all too familiar with African men and their sons, as well as grandsons... It's something deeply symtomatic in our communities, and I experience the kind of distance older brothers have for younger cats, and vice versa... It's a deep dark secret that African men REALLY need to address...
As for you and brother and son... I say, stay outta his way, providing you TRUST him, and his ability to relate to your son... Just let him deal with him as men deal with each other, and your son will gain not only knowledge, but a security in his own maleness, and his manhood will be secure... I say stay outta the way, because there are male things your brother can teach him that you cannot... If your son truly loves his uncle, he will resent you in the end if you interfere with their relationship... This is what happened with one of my nephews...
He'd cry to mama about his uncles being too rough with him when were trying teach him how to box, and mama denied us access to the child, said we were making him cry... Well, he's now crying in a state penal institution, and it doesn't get no rougher than that... Furthermore, the kid was never a fighter, and now he's had to learn how the hard way... So, you must think of the long term, and how your brother's interactions with him will impact on his being able to interact wit other boys, and men, in his future...
Sister Sister Sister ... whew! ... you made me go back and see what Brother Coach707 said! :flame:
He didn't say ... less lovin. He said raise your son and not just love him. There's a difference.
When i read your words ... less lovin ... ... my heart skipped a beat!
Never ever ever reduce the amount of love you give to your babies ... never ...
Sister Aglo ... i just had to squeeze in here and say the above, and let you know that this is a wonderful thread.
I have some of that experience you'd like to hear about ...
being the single Mother of a big whole grown strong wise fearless BLACK man ...
Unfortunately, i don't have time to share right now, but i'll be back ... i promise!
Ohhhhhhhhh ... and thank you so very much for BECOMING A PREMIUM MEMBER !!!
We are all so honored, so appreciative, thanks for helping to keep our home alive ...
Much Love and Peace Sister.
You're a good sister
1. You need to have a convo with the old man and let him know, there is nothing wrong with hugging an 8 yr old. It's cool up till 10.
2. Mom can provide hugs as well
3. Know that your son is a man in training. Know that training on many levels, starts at birth. Many sisters have difficulty with that today
4. Until he gets the proper permanent role model, continue to seek them out.
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