y women r cranky we start 2 "bud" n our blouses at 9 or 10 yrs old only 2 find anything that comes n contact w those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us 2 tears. enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys n school will snap until we hv calluses on our backs. next, we get our periods n our early 2 mid-teens (or sooner). along w those budding boobs, we now bloat, cramp, get the hormone crankies, hv 2 wear little mattresses b/t our legs or nsert tubular, packed cotton rods n places we didn't even know we had. our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is hving sex 4 the 1st time which is about as much fun as hving a ramrod push ur uterus thru your nostrils (F he did it right & didn't end up w his little cart b4 his horse), leaving us 2 wonder what all the fuss was about. then it's off to motherhood where we learn 2 liv on dry ******** & water 4 a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over brother john. of course, amazing creatures that we r (& we r), we learn 2 liv w the growing little angels nside us steadily kicking our innards night & day making us wonder f we're hving rosemary's baby. our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole & we pee our pants every time we sneeze. when the big moment arrives, the dam n our blessed nether regions will invariably burst right n the middle of the mall & we'll waddle w our big cartoon feet moaning n pain all the way 2 the er. then it's huff & puff & beg 2 die while the ob says, "please stop screaming, mrs. n-labor. calm down & push. just 1 more (10 more) good push,"warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse 2 punch the b*****d (& hb) square n the nose 4 making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole. after that, it's time 2 raise those angels only 2 find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph n2 walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. the teen yrs. need i say more? the kids r almost grown now & we women hit our voracious sexual prime n our mid-30's 2 early 40's while *hb had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens 2b the reason all that early hot man sex got u pregnant n the 1st place). now we hit the grand finale: "the menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. it's either take the hrt & chance cancer n those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned nether regions, or, sweat like a hog n july, wash ur sheets & pillowcases daily & bite the head off anything that moves. now, u ask y women seem 2b more spiteful than men when men get off so easy ncluding the icing on life's cake: being able 2 pee n the woods w/o soaking their socks? a husband & wife r celebrating their 50th anniversary. that night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. she looks at her husband & says, honey, do u remember this? he looks at her & says, "yes dear, u wore that same negligee the night we were married." she says, yes, that's right. do u remember what u said 2 me that night he nods & says, "yes dear, i still remember." well, what was it?" she asks. he responds, "well honey, as i remember, i said, ohhhhhhhhh baby, i'm going to suck the life out of those big tits & screw ur brains out." she giggles & says, "yes honey, that's it. that's exactly what u said. so, now it's 50 yrs later, i'm n the same negligee i wore that night. what do u hv 2 say tonight?" again he looks at her & looks her up & down & replies, 'mission accomplished' a mother & her son were flying southwest airlines from kansas city 2 chicago. the son turned to his mother & asks, "f big dogs hv baby dogs & big cats hv baby cats, y don't big planes hv baby planes?" the mother couldn't think of an answer so she told her son to ask the stewardess. so, he did. the stewardess responded, did ur mother tell u 2 ask me?" the boy admitted that this was the case. "well, then, tell ur mother that there r no baby planes b/c southwest always pulls out on time. ur mother can explain it to u." jesus, joseph, & mary were doing chores around their home n nazareth when suddenly, jesus ran outside 2 joseph, & asked, "did u just call me?" "no, i'm sorry," joseph replied, "i just hit my thumb w the hammer, again." a blonde wanted 2 go ice fishing. she'd seen many books on the subject, & finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made 4 the ice. after positioning her comfy footstool, she started 2 make a circular cut n the ice. suddenly, from up above, a voice boomed, "THERE r NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, & began 2 cut yet another hole. again from up above the voiced bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." the blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down 2 the opposite end of the ice. she set up her stool once more & tried again to cut a hole. the voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." she stopped, looked upward, & said, "is that u, lord?" the voice replied, "no, this is the manager of the hockey rink."