Some times I wonder if anyone, knows who I really am, it’s like I’m wearing a mask and can’t take it off, though I try hard as I can. I personally feel that I have a good heart, I know I’ve made some bad mistakes, some of them seem to just rip me apart, it’s so frustrating that my heart just breaks. I know there’s a lot of things that I need to learn, it will just take a little time, but my life always seems to take a wrong turn, it’s making me lose my mind. My heart is getting cold as frost, I haven’t cried in months, I never can get my point across, and my problems keep coming in chunks. I know I made a terrible decision, one cold and gloomy night, it tears through my heart with surgical precision, and it will be in my face my whole life. But I know what happened was wrong, so we have to accept it and move on, I’m not about to keep singing the same song. In spite of what I learned in life, about premarital sex, “if you don’t want her as a wife, move along to the next”, I went ahead and did the deed, and now my life is changed, if only my mothers words I did heed, my life I wouldn’t have to rearrange. I had sex with a girl, I did not want to marry, she got pregnant and changed our world, now the situation gets hairy. She told after it all was over and done, she planned to have a child, and after she had my son, things started taking a downward spiral. We’re not the first to make this mistake, nor will we be the last, but she wanted it to turn out great, but oh alas. When do things turn out how they should, only movies and books, If I could take it all back I would, but let’s take a closer look. She loves me and I don’t love her back, I hope I don’t seem cruel, I want my life to get on track, but I feel like a fool. She thought we’d get married and settle down, and everything would be fine, but her little perfect fantasy turned straight upside down, when I told her what was on my mind. Now things are getting crazy, she acts funny around me, she’s not the best mom and kind of lazy, and still likes me, it’s plain to see. I’m ready to accept what occurred , and be there for my son, but she has got the cold steel nerve, to try and make herself my number one. She won’t accept the fact that we, will never be husband and wife, so she turns my son against me, and tries to ruin my life. But nobody knows the whole story, they just think I’m resentful and mean, I won’t tell you the details because they’re gory, but things aren’t always the way they seem. So before they judge and condemn me, making me feel bad and low, I wish they would take the time to hear the story, it would change their minds I know. But no, they always interrupt, telling me things I already know, so I’m going to just forget it and let them think what they will, I already know how this attitude will go, I’ll keep being misunderstood, but I always have and always will! Derrick H.