Those of you who have read my posts in the past may know the situation I have with my sister. I won't go into details here. She is still angry at me and going around telling everybody I didn't want to help her. I tried to explain myself to her but she argued me down and her last words to me ware "Go to hell" before she slammed the phone in my faace. I had tried to show her that we have been through this before years ago when I caught her in a lie and she responded the same way by getting angtry. She and my mother got together and decided that by bringing that incedent up I was showing I harbored unforgivennedd. My mother told me she is praying for my healing fro m visualj and hearing impairments but God won't heal me if I have unforgivenness in my heart. I realize that she needs to believe this. She neds to give herself a hedge to explain to herself why things don't happen in the real workd the way she believes. It began thirty years ago when out family joined the Word of Faith movement. At first everyone was so excited cuz they knew God was going to work a great miracle like in the Bible. As the years went on and my disabilities got worse instead of healing the church became impatient.. My mother jumped on me "Why are you not healed yet? You must be doing something wrong." I am lucky she is not as far gone as those people who let there 12 year old daughter die of diabetes by praying over her instead of taking her to the doctor. she is not that far gone but she is on the same path. To this day she blames me for not allowing God to heal me She is my mother but I hate talking to her because every encounter with her leaves me in a state of cognitive dissonance. Now I also realize that my joy and peace of mind is my responsiblility. I cannot be angry at them for not being the sister and mother I need them to be. They are not and may never be so when people tell me oh that's your family, there's no love like a mother's love, I bristle then take control not to place my happiness on a need that may never be fulfilled. You are my family here at Destee. You have helped me get out of that matrix. You have pointed out to me the peace and joy that is within me, not outside of me, not in a book or sermon. And certainly not in believing in sanctified delusions. When loved ones hurt us we may feel bad for a few days or even weeks. We spend a lot of mental time telling ourselves they will drive us crazy and it is too much for us to deal with. Then we have to ask ourself would this be true if I didn't spend so much time convincing myself that it is true? Why di I need to talk to someone about I problem I've already talked tro people about? What could they tell me I don't already know? Perception is reality.