Black Relationships : Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends"

Can Men and Women be Platonic Friends


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skuderjaymes

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2012 Skuderjaymes said:

I have many friends, in the lightest sense of the word, of the opposite sex. Many many. I come from a family of women.. 8 aunts and many female cousins. My best friend for many years was my female cousin. When I was younger I found female friends to be closer. But as time has passed, I find that female friends are more distant and male friendships are closer/deeper. My female friendships are so fragile because of that ever-present line that can be so easily and naturally crossed. Their is a constant pressure there.. a constant natural tension that has to be consciously and openly acknowledged and handled. I like to shine a light on it right away so it can't creep up on us by surprise. It's like we have to put each other in some box and establish some protective distance as soon as possible after we meet. I have had a many friendships that fell apart because we misunderstood our energies and ended up in some emotional place we didn't intend to go.

But then again, turning this analytical engine toward myself... I'm realizing that I'm a pretty selfish dude.. even my apparent selflessness is selfish in it's motivation.. and I'm not sure to what degree that plays a part in the way my relationships with people, romantic and platonic, begin.. proceed.. and end. After the way this last alledgedly platonic relationship ended, my confidence in my ability to maintain friendships with women is on it's last leg. I lost one of my most valued friendships over some romantic hollywood-type shi* that I should have shutdown as soon as it reared it's ugly head.. but the emotional payoff was too beautiful.. too fulfilling.. and I used it to fill some fundamental void in my own emotional landscape.. and I think I may be addicted to it.. to the filling of that spot.. that might be what's behind my music.. and my performing.. and, to a lesser degree, my writing and my painting.. I wonder.
https://destee.com/threads/friends-of-the-opposite-sex.71130/#post-732796

waay too much.. lol..
 

HODEE

Alonewolf
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Jul 2, 2003
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I read your post just now. Good read.
Thanks for reading and adding it this discussion.

I have blown a friendship because I changed the dynamics.
Now I was minding the friendship, and then MORE kicked the door in and I expressed that.
It isn't a reason for a very strong friendship to crash. This one was strong, so it didn't survive the change in feelings I had.
I mean a guy can only watch someone he has grown to really like and care about, hooking up still and he would like to now be considered.

I had another where she came all of sudden ready.
We had been at a club dancing.
She was taking numbers from all of the fellows that wanted to know if she was my lady.
A lady hanging with a man, and him leaving her to dance with other women.
Intrigued the men for her.

Her going off within the club attracted other women to me.
Other ladies at the club wanna spend time getting to know you.
It didn't happen, her mother was down stairs, and her cousin busted into the room.
We talked later, after she sobered up.

This friendship hanging got her married, a bar owner.
To this day... I wonder what she is doing.
My last conversation with her was. She was having her first baby.
 

HODEE

Alonewolf
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Jul 2, 2003
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This has to be one of GODS deepest mysteries & I think even my Savior has to scratch his devine head in confusion. I cannot believe the millions of tax dollars not to mention the tens of thousands of man hours that have been wasted (Well not really wasted because it went into some undeserving individuals pockets) into seeking the obvious answers to this Earth shaking dilemma. Unless the so called male female just friends are the only two clear thinking humans on Earth such a oddball relationship will inevitably become problematic once one finds a lover then the original other half has now not only become the rather awkward third wheel but a nagging just under the surface threat to the new partner, especially if they continue their usual regimen of communication that will not only foment resentment but suspicion in the new partner & rightly so. There have been so many movies & TV shows touching on this rather life altering scenario that if you started watching them one after the other if you just started your career at 21 years of age, when you attended your own retirement party after thirty years with your company you'd still have about 5 years of movies & TV shows to watch.
Welcome to Destee Lunar Cycle
Thank You for responding and commenting.
What you posted is interesting.
What I want to comment on is this quote.
Unless the so called male female just friends are the only two clear thinking humans on Earth such a oddball relationship will inevitably become problematic once one finds a lover then the original other half has now not only become the rather awkward third wheel but a nagging just under the surface threat to the new partner, especially if they continue their usual regimen of communication that will not only foment resentment but suspicion in the new partner & rightly so.
such a oddball relationship
If you would can you explain why it is an odd-ball relationship?
This male / female friendship relationship started when I was ten I started noticing how it was happening. I was surrounded by females, me and my friends (4) guys...and they never complained because we always had girls to spin the bottle with. We popped water plugs and cooled off in the summer, played baseball with them, mumble peg and shot marbles with them. I became sexually active early. These girls were older about thirteen and I started dating one. Much later in life about a decade or so. We met again. She was stunning. But after a day of reminiscing. We parted friends instead of lovers.

What you explained can happen. If the feeling one has for another changes. It can do that suddenly or over time. What really happens is after you truly express how you care about someone. You are vulnerable. ( You can never be afraid ( if you want any kind of relationship ) express it when it comes. If it works out. Great
If your rejected or even let down easy. It is easy to feel bad, possible angry.
I work to be very disappointed. That way.
If the friendship is gonna continue it will.

It may even blossom later because as skuderjaymes stated in a past post he linked here.
Once you get the tension out of the way. It works or it doesn't.
No longings and secret love hearts that may later be crushed. I have had a few ladies tell me like guys will tell a lady. " I don't want a friendship "
But to me... a lasting relationship of any kind starts and lasts from someone you know, understand, and care about. Not a stranger you meet and finally realize. You have nothing in common, and they do some bad things ( break hearts ) and leave devastation in their wake.

once one finds a lover then the original other half has now not only become the rather awkward third wheel but a nagging just under the surface threat to the new partner
,
This can be so true. Then too I have experienced this differently. One of my high school lady friends. When she became the third wheel. I hooked her up with a cousin. We picnic-ed while I got to know my new girlfriend. My new girl friend did get upset, because she was the jealous type. Knew how close me and my friend was. She could break that ... she was nagging above ground and in private to me... that she didn't like me having other female friends.
 

Kemetstry

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I have female friends. They are great friends. Some are super model, playboy center fold fine. We just cool like that




.
 
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