Black People : Men Against The Clock Too?

Discussion in 'Black People Open Forum' started by cocobutterskyn, Mar 26, 2002.

  1. cocobutterskyn

    cocobutterskyn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I've engaged in many "girl talks" when the talk was about, TIME RUNNING OUT! They were in their thirties and haven't married. That kind of talk wasn't surprising to me.
    However, last week I had an interesting and informative "girl to boy talk" with a friend. He touched on that very same subject. He felt as if (Time is running out) It surprised me. I thought maybe he's simply one of those wonderfully sentimental men, or is this a common thought for men?

    Do men have an age limit for marriage?

    If not married at that age, do they feel "Time is running out"?


    Poetically Turn'd Out!
    CCBSKYN :heart:
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    very much indeed we run out of time too .......we feel as if
    being a family man we have to do it by a set time span
    but when we fill to old we give up on da thoughts yet i've
    seen many men get married in their 50's for that companionship
    but yes we know our time runs out as well ......
     
  3. cocobutterskyn

    cocobutterskyn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    First allow me to say, I am in NO WAY stating ALL unmarried women are desperate. However, I have a few friends and co-workers who seem to be. I have a friend who accept what she thought could be her last chance. It hasn't been a good marriage for her, nonetheless she's able to say, " I's married now" I have asked, "what's the big deal?" They have said, " You don't understand you have been married."

    Kem, do men have those similar discussions?

    I'm very interested in knowing the way men's clock go off. I feel if women had an idea of a man's perspective, there will be less misconception and more harmony.

    Also, I know one of the reasons for marriage is to reproduce. However, a lot of people have already done that..... at least once. The need for marriage from what I'm getting, is for companionship....not to grow old alone or even the novelty of it.


    I believe women hear the tick of the clock at...oh.. maybe between the age of 25-30. By age 35 it ticks more rapid and on surroundsound.

    What age do you believe men begin to hear their clock?

    What age do you believe they feel it's ticking faster?



    Poetically Turn'd Out!
    CCBSKYN :heart:
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    well now to tell u da truth mostly after 35 but me 40 and i done
    got their so u know da rest but our clocks tic at 35 for most but
    again i've seen some start ticking after 47
     
  5. alyce

    alyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    And to add to that, I have met men who are married or who once were, who have told me quite candidly that aside from the joy of fatherhood (because the regularity of sex is a myth in many cases), if they had it to do again, they would not get married. We are made differently, and women tend to have more of the group discussions about relationships, etc. Although, as Kem has said, men do talk.

    I do commend you Coco, for asking a man about what a man feels is important. Too many times sista/friends have incorrect information based on perceptions that are skewed, for whatever reason. Good communication with the opposite sex is the best source of open and honest dialogue. And I find that once a man feels a woman is judgment-free and not bogged down with preconceived ideas, he'll talk straight talk. Not too many women can handle the truth. (which is why so many bogus relationships develop into bogus marriages ~ in order to keep the 'piece')

    Much respect Coco...keep the lines of communication open between the sexes.

    a
     
  6. alyce

    alyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The situation (I've found) is this: far too many people (men AND women) focus on the ideal that marriage is supposed to be. The wedding day, the honeymoon, the traditional fenced home, the cars, the kids...

    Um.... there is a reality that is not even thought about. And at the risk of offending my sistas, and I apologize in advance, I must say that between the sexes, the male of the species has MORE of a grasp on the REALITY, the nuts and bolts of what it will take to maintain a healthy marriage. Especially if they are willing (or even ALLOWED) to commuicate their true feelings. I've spoken with sistas who are still caught up (past 30) into what the man has to come with and saying very little about what they will bring. This kind of attitude is taken into a marriage (and usually, the man already knows what he's getting himself into...but because he doesn't want to lose her...). But after marriage two people begin to see the work involved.

    And if folk are already ill-prepared and lack problem-solving skills, there is a stale-mate. By now, however, there are children involved. The situation does not correct itself because of that ~ this causes further distancing, sinking into stagnant roles that are now meaningless (routines), and is the perfect breeding ground for extra-marital affairs.

    Those married men and women who came to Kem and told him to run, knew all about that. And it's not so much that they HATE marriage ~ I think many of the men I've spoken to actually love their wives. I like to say that we realize the intensity of marriage only AFTER we get into it. We want to warn/tell/advise/counsel others. But I know that it is hard to tell someone who's never
    been in it. Some things, we must learn for ourselves. (like when our parents told us something we had to see for ourselves but when it hits, we say "OOOHHHHHH, THAT'S WHAT THEY MEANT!!!)

    In order for anyone to have success and longevity in marriage these days, it takes the Power of God, in my humble opinion. The temptations to do whatever (because whatever is readily available), are too great. And like Chris Rock said (so well)... in order for a relationship to work, two people have GOT to be into the same thing. (fundamentally). Crack heads can't join with Born Agains, and vice-versa. We have to look beyond our immediate "time-clock" and be willing to wait as long as necessary to determine who will ultimately work with us in a long term, marital relationship.

    I'm sorry, I get long-winded. This be my area, though.

    Oh, and is it written that everyone should marry? I know God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply and everything....and we been extremely obedient in that area...but uh ruh...


    just some thoughts, y'all....'xcuse me
    a
     
  7. alyce

    alyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Excellent, Kem. I know of some groups who provide this very thing. And the man or woman who doesn't see it as an important investment in their future...must needs be kicked to the curb. No hesitation.

    a
     
  8. j'hiah

    j'hiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    alyce you're always kikkin' it!!
    that's all i came in to say.

    nice subject cocobutterskyn.
     
  9. cocobutterskyn

    cocobutterskyn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Kem,
    Thank you for sharing information. I wonder why your friends told you to run, discouraging marriage. Why not offer helpful information that may or may not help in your marriage? Not individual marital problems, but universal problems...communication, compromises, etc. Not right off the bat, but some time before the marriage takes place.
    Yes, there are good marriages. I know many people who have a good marriage. Not perfect. Nothing is perfect. :) ( I feel the same, I wish I knew then what I know now.)

    "pre-marriage counseling retreat" I agree.

    Alyce,
    I agree with you. Many think marriage is happiness 24/7 and all the material things society has us believing makes a marriage "successful" and comes naturally without effort. I also agree with your statement, "I've spoken with sistas who are still caught up (past 30) into what the man has to come with and saying very little about what they will bring." My opinion, that is an early sign of separatism. In reality, nobody wants nothing. If you expect something, what makes you think he doesn't?
    I agree it's difficult to offer advice/counsel to people. Timing is important, people need to be receptive to receive imformation. Though somethings we must learn for ourselves, I believe discussions such as these may be helpful.

    God is the foundation and we must build from there. (some) People will work diligently for a successful career, however won't do the same to build good or safe a marriage.

    Again I agree a person should not play beat the clock to get married. After all it is for the rest of their life.

    The more men and women communicate their perception the more likely they will have harmony.

    Alyce thanks for your kind words.
    Kem, Rich and J'hiah
    I appreciate your input

    If anyone has more comments please post them, I'm sure others would be interested to read them..
    I'm fully enjoying the discussion. Thank you. :)

    CCBSKYN :heart:
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    kemet.... man u something else bru.....but u come wit da truth
     
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