Black Relationships : Marriage and Privacy

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Nia Maishani, Oct 20, 2002.

?

O.k. for a husband and wife to have certain personal matters they don't disclose?

Poll closed Jul 16, 2005.
  1. Sure; they are still individuals, and there are some matters an individual is allowed to keep privat

    15 vote(s)
    68.2%
  2. No; the right hand should ALWAYS be aware of what the left is doing; the couple should truly live as

    5 vote(s)
    22.7%
  3. If we each disclosed ALL our skeletons to our mates, NONE of us would get permanently, felicitously

    1 vote(s)
    4.5%
  4. The relationship is doomed to failure if we do not disclose ALL our skeletons early on.

    1 vote(s)
    4.5%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. Nia Maishani

    Nia Maishani Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Is it acceptable/expected for a husband and wife couple to have private matters they do not share with one another?
     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I'm not married but can't imagine that someone would want to know every single thing that happens in my life, day in and day out (all could easily be classified as private). He'd have no life of his own if he did this. Certainly there will be things that I'd want my spouse to know, but him knowing all things wouldn't be necessary. Likewise, I don't think it would be necessary for me to know every single thing that is going on in his day to day experiences. Seems like overkill to me.

    If I ever marry again, I'd hope that my spouse could make decisions without my being in on every single one. I'd like to think there will be times when he recognizes it might be a good idea to mention some things to me, prior to them happening.

    I think it depends on the individuals in the relationship and how secure and confident they are with the decisions and choices their spouse makes.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  3. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    A marriage "should" be well grounded in trust and honesty and I can't see how that can be achieved if there are "private" matters going on that are not shared. You don't have to know every little thing in your spouse's life, but private matters, IMHO, displays a form of mistrust that reduces the value of a marriage.
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I need a few examples of what would be considered "private matters" in a marriage.
     
  5. j'hiah

    j'hiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    it depends on how serious and extensive those "private" matters are.

    for instance, if you cheated, tell me so l can do the darn break up thing..

    my opinion..
     
  6. Nia Maishani

    Nia Maishani Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank you three for your responses.

    O.k. Destee, I really didn't want to give examples, because there are soooo many possibilities, and I didn't want to just list a few of them, and skew the potential answers, because my question is much broader than the few issues that I had thought of at the time I posed the question. This is not intended to focus on SPECIFIC secrets, but whether or not ANYTHING should be kept secret.

    Allow me first to clarify the question. Should a wife or husband deliberately "HIDE" anything (permanently) from their spouse? I cannot recall the specific example of a "secret" that had compelled me to run this poll, but there were others besides that one that entered my mind when I began to reflect after thinking of the question. I hope I recall the specific one, and if so I will mention it. But before I list any examples, I hope this clarification will edify the question enough that I can wait on throwing out examples.

    Now, I know that anything major should be revealed to the spouse prior to marriage, but I am speaking of matters that are not really major that are either from the past, present, or that occur in the future.

    O.k. it came back to me how I thought of this question. Another member here asked what your needs and wants are with your mate. In reply, I mentioned strengths, weaknesses and flaws. So I will give vague examples of what types of things could be kept secret. These are BY NO MEANS exclusive examples; there could be countless other widely varying examples.

    Example 1.
    something embarrassing or disturbing from one's past, that will in all likelihood not affect the present or future, but that the spouse may not like or may even be turned off to find out

    Example 2.
    I have to give a specific example for this one, because I know of three (related) examples, and this is probably the only way to clarify what could be a present-tense "secret". My mother once told me of a woman who never, ever, ever would allow her husband to see her face without makeup on it! She would not even wash it off at night! (secret: what her natural face looked like!) A friend once intimated to me that a woman he had been with (not sure if his wife or someone else) would always pull the covers up to her neck when she was in the bed nude with him. (secret: her nudity) Another friend (female) told me of a longtime boyfriend she was intimate with, who would never remove his shirt during intercourse (secret: she never figured it out) Now these are all examples of physical appearance secrets, but there could be something going on with the person emotionally or intellectually or psychologically that is mild, that they are hiding

    Example 3.
    something occurs during the marriage that the spouse feels the need to keep secret; this could be just about anything, but excluding major things like an affair, but including less major situations that might bring about disappointment or distaste or worry from the spouse.

    Answers, please. :)
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    if da nature of the secret one so keep is in fact not of
    dishonor or disrespect he or she can keep it to them self
    i see not to seek out every thing in a mates life coz what's
    before u is not of u so why open up a can of worms

    now on the other hand yes if the secret apply to the two
    they should be openly and honest and hold no secrets forth
    it will scare the relationship to a madness or break up
    these are Questions of many in different way and can hit
    in many way
    but truth// trust//honesty//respect//da honor & true love
    is da whole key i was once married and their was secrets
    that was kept that had no bearings on our relationship
    she kept her in and so did i but it was one she kept that did have a fate in our beings and it destroyed what we had once
    so it can affect in some ways and in others it's cool
    and anyway most females hold secrets to they die and never
    open up or say anything on da matter yes females keep secrets
    far more and much longer then men
    some time it coz by the fact it should not be told or not 2 hurt
    a soul break a heart and simply afraid to say it .....
    now this is what i see // feel// and know/
     
  8. j'hiah

    j'hiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    "women hide secrets very well."
    is this true??
     
  9. j'hiah

    j'hiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    some women have more game than XBox :D
     
  10. Nia Maishani

    Nia Maishani Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Who can say?

    Whether women or men keep secrets better? Don't women tend more toward gossip? Also, I think once a secret is shared with at least one other person, it is difficult for others to keep the secret confidential. Finally, this question pertains to both women AND men! And it does not have to be a "game" type of secret. Suppose it is something like, one mate really dislikes the other mate's relatives or a particular relative, or something like that, but does not let the spouse in on that "secret".
     
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