Low Self Esteem Young Ladies

Discussion in 'Black Teenagers - Teenz Exprezzed!' started by Destee, May 20, 2002.

  1. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    I was talking to my son today, discussing the MANY young ladies he knows that are so willing to accept ANY behavior from a man ... just because he did something nice for the young lady one time (took her to a movie, bought her dinner, gave her a ride to work, had sex with her, etc.) ... and she acts as though she is indebted for life to him ... taking all kinds of physical, mental and spiritual abuse ... and seeming to love it (because she stays with him).

    What's wrong with our young ladies? Why are they accepting any kind of behavior from men? Where exactly did we drop the ball?

    My son says, they make it so easy to abuse them. They will hand over their money, be beat up, talked about, disrespected ... he even went as far as to say ... they'd be literally kicked in the face and then obediently go and prepare a sandwich for the man that did this to them.

    My heart aches at this. What happened? Where are the mothers (and father's) of these young women?

    While my topic is addressing young women, I know that there are older women going through the same thing.

    Is all of this due to low self esteem?

    My son says it's not just a few young ladies putting up with such treatment ... it's many ... he says pretty ones, not so pretty ones, working young ladies, able to care for themselves ... yet they put up with this. We really can't blame the man (entirely), for these are willing "victims."

    We, as the older folk, really have a great responsibility regarding this issue ... where did we drop the ball ... what can we do to help these young ladies that can't seem to help themselves. Is there any hope? Gosh ... my son depressed me with this conversation today.

    Destee
     
  2. shaneak

    shaneak Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    So if its the mom fault that she allows her child to do so.. Where is the father to voice his opinion? I"m so sick of the blame being pinned on woman who have no choice but to take care of child on their own. Because men feel that they didn't get a commitment before hand. Truth of the matter is. You both made a commitment not to wear a condomn... But no one.. discussed the aftermath... so drop the commitment crap. and get to the real nitty gritty.
    WHY ARE FATHERS NOT THEIR FOR THEIR CHILDREN?
    DESPITE A COMMITTMENT WHAT ABOUT THE ONE TO THEIR CHILD?
    WHY IS SO EASILY FOR A YOUNG MAN TO DISRESPECT THEIR SISTERS THESE DAYS. IT WASN'T AS DETRIMENTAL 5-6 YEARS AGO.
    WHY DO YOUNG MEN NOT WANT BE A MAN.. TO TAKE ON MANLY RESPONBILITIES?

    WHY DO YOUNG MEN SCREAM OUT THEIR CARS TO YOUNG LADIES WALKING DOWN THE STREET?

    WHY DO THEY TRY TO SNEAK A FEEL ON A LADIES BEHIND WHEN SHE'S WALKING THROUGH A CLUB?

    WHY DO THEY ASSUME THAT JUST BECAUASE SHE HAS ON A SEXY OUTFIT SHE'S EASY...

    DOES A WOMAN HAVE TO COVER ALL HER SKIN JUST TO BE CONSIDERED RESPECTABLE?

    WHY... So many questions to ask... created of over centuries of generations transforming the earth....

    My question Destee... you got any ideas to resolve the issue? Cause personally i'm so tired of it.. Ignorant men.. Ignorant women... But then to hear my own kind blame it all on gender. That hurts me... within... I am an element of screw ups... lack of attention.. focus.. and love within the home... fatherless(other than step child) Lied to.. denied to know my own familiy... was not taught to get a higher education.. was criticized, riducule and looked down upon as nothing. It was an element within my environment that turned me around... It was also my environment that held so many down. Can you explain dhat?...

    I perceive or shall i say believe.. that it depends on ones mental strength. I have no reason to have love for the black man...
    molested...
    raped
    lied to
    disappointed
    cheated on..
    lack of respect
    racist to the female kind...(based on sex, relationships, as well and the work environment)
    Degrading..
    and many have turned their backs.. on their families.. friends.. and most of all... Their own children....

    But i don't sit their and bash them every day or blame them for many of the downfalls in our society. No .. I still love and try my best to promote them and motivate them with self love for themselves and their people. And yet accept many of their sorry excuses for a man for who they are...

    Now lets talk about resolution to the issues.. cause i'm sick and tired of hearing what we black women are doing wrong....
     
  3. shaneak

    shaneak Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have spoken with many of Gentlemen and as well as some ladies on this issue. None of which.. as of course me included.. could not find a cure for a disease that has plagued our society for over 20 years. Or even where to begin.
     
  4. Bishop

    Bishop Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Allow me to chime in....Oftentimes the problem is in the home and the problem exists for both the young man and the young woman. Its no secret that your home environment and the family relationship is paramount to how an individual will turn out. Children tend to mimic the behavior that they see and the environments they have grown up in.....One cannot blame neighborhoods and societies all the time...many time the blame is in the home......if the young man sees his father treating his mother and sisters in a barbaric and demeaning manner then chances are (note I said chances not a certainty) that is the type of behavior he may exemplify......The same for the young woman if all she ever saw was her mother being treated as an object or as a punching bag chances are (note again I said chances) that will have a longlasting effect. On the flip side if both the young man and the young woman sees positive influences in the home, then chances are(note there is that word chances again) they will exhibit that behavior.......I don't blame it on gender, race, but on the many underlying factors of different situations.....some may say that it's because the father is not in the home....I beg to differ I grew up without my father in the home, but I was taught how a man was supposed to treat a young woman, by other family members who were there....Now I know that my situation is different from many...but every situation is different....

    sometimes folks end up in damaging relationships as i said earlier because of what they were used to seeing...and they go from one relationship to the same type of relationship because they feel that this is whati supposed to be....They haven't been taught....Now you may say well it's common sense that no one should be treated like that or no one has the right to treat a person in such a manner, but if that's what they have been used to then your version of common sense and their version will differ.

    You ask is there a cure to all the madness? That has been the questions for ages......The cure is simply education.....But the problem is so many people feel that there is nothing wrong....This is the way things are.......As long as they feel that way, you will never be able to educate until they themselves get tired of the situation.


    This problem also exist on the flip side for men....who grew up in the household without a father...and the mother had the job of raising them...They never learned to make decisions or accept responsibilty because mama was always there...then they hook up with a strongwilled young woman, and will give in to her every demand, also being the victim of verbal abuse...It's a sad state of affairs but this is our world......We can only educate those who want to be educated......


    Hey Keme...in reference to your bad boy syndrome.....Why is it that the nice guys finish last as they say? you know back in the day...if a brotha had a good job and things going for him he was a good catch...but now the nice guys have been put on the backburner and replaced with these wanna be playa bruthas.......consequently the women get mistreated and soon develops a mistrust for all men,,,including the ones who really would like to treat them as the queen that they are?

    Hmmmmmmm
     
  5. amirah

    amirah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Solutions? Education on both sides. I agree that we can only really educate those who want to be educated. The best solution is to not stop the message of respect for self and try to show them what "respect" looks like. I too wonder what's going on..I work with young people (16 and up) and talk to them everyday in the best way i know how. I fell both sad and made when i see some of them accept as ok.

    I do have problems with the ladies and many of the things that they accept, because it may unlitimately rest with us (child rearing). But can see where many of us are following suit or doing what we think works(ed) for someone else. Just plain selling out-- to young men, older men, other women, etc. And then there are the so-called young (men) who need to have a lot of somebodies somewhere make it clear and plain..In other words: "If you are with a woman who disrespects herself and you are a partner in the relationship or whatver you chose to call it, you have no respect for self either...PERIOD...If you are walking around, man or woman, slave to trend...*** out, breasts out, pants saggin, drawers and *** showin, designer or no-wearin, abuse accepter or giver, sheisty-- whether hustlin or legal, two-timin, beggin,givin away what is yours to anybody who will take (material or body) ....YOU HAVE LITTLE OR NO RESPECT!!! The taker accepts no less fault thatn the giver. And sometimes, though not always, you will attract what you reallly are. Every day our young people are being reduced to act more like little children(dependent)....

    BUT I DIGRESS....Education and example. Those who follow will follow. Either way the situation looks bleak right now. I try to tell youngsters that they are IT...the leaders of the future..And if you could see the look on their faces!@*...They are confused as hell!
    Too often we (myself included) hook up when our **** is still raggedy--meaning before we get self straight. Self love. Education. Example. Make the desirable undesirable. Flip the script.

    A speech for young ladies & men: (Memorize if necessary):

    "I love myself too much to hook up or let you occupy my space...get your **** together and be a man/woman..If you want to know how, i'll tell you...otherwise, move around!"

    Everybody who sees a problem should be educating somebody. Doesn't have to be your kid or adult (in some cases). I can't help but wonder what would happen if we REALLY did that.....
    ~my few cents ~
    peace & :heart:
     
  6. Mike Ramey

    Mike Ramey Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Self-Esteem is in the eye of the beholder...

    Destee and fam: Self-esteem ONLY became an issue when WE as parents stopped teaching in the HOME! When WE turned over our responisibilities (or, I should say abdicated) our responsibilities to teachers, the MSW's, the Police, and the courts, we FORGOT that the HOME is where teaching STARTS...not STOPS.

    Think about ourselves 'back in the day'! Boys learned REAL early about WORK! Girls learned HOW to cook, clean, and sew! NOW we have parents who won't instill those things in their children.

    As a Substitute Teacher, I have SEEN it, folks: Girls know more about reading the financial pages than they do about reading a cookbook! Boys know more about wearing earrings and braids than getting a JOB!

    Destee: PROTECT your son! There ARE some 'teenage hootchie mamas' out there who will PREY on him because he is a GOOD kid!

    Had a mother of a few sons tell me not that long ago that her phone is ringing off the HOOK because his female, high school classmates want them to 'date', but they (the boys) are concerned about getting their grades!

    Self-esteem disappears when the beads of sweat form on a teenage brow.

    Mike Ramey
     
  7. UbZoRbShUn

    UbZoRbShUn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    hmmm

    i think it goes both ways. Say the young man is brought up in a home with both mom and dad. He sees dad always talking down to mom, hitting, cursing etc.... that young man grows up to do the same that he saw his father do. Say the young lady grows up with both mom and dad again she sees her mom taking the abuse hurled from dad. She will gravitate towards that brotha who is abusive if you will and that brotha will seek out that sista with the low self esteem. I grew up with both my mom and dad until they divorced in '96. My dad was military and he didn't take no crap. He did not disrespect my mom and she never cow tied to his ego. For the most part they had a loving relationship which was give and take. They had their arguments like errybody else and they worked them out. They showed me and my sisters that it was ok for a couple to argue, but they also showed us that respect was key. They had a real good relationship until dad started with the drugs and mom couldn't hang no more. That's a whole nudda story, but again it starts at home. My mom didn't allow us to date, wear makeup, nail polish, look at videos or any of that stuff. Shoot I got my *** tore up once because I had on tinted lip gloss. That was back in the day though.


    My 2 cents worth



    One
     
  8. diva08

    diva08 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    it's time to start thinking differently and stop following. nobody has the balls to make a complete change. one thing that i aspire to do as an educator is to present a different way of life that's presented to them. the children have no choice as to the situation into which they are born, but we positive people can start mentoring and making much needed sacrifices to be role models.
    we have to change and inspire change. my boss says "don't talk about it, just fix it." go somewhere and tell a child they're beautiful and can do anything they want to do if they believe and you believe in them. you just might change their life.

    diva
     
  9. Mike Ramey

    Mike Ramey Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank You Diva08!

    Finally, we've gotten to the ROOT of the matter!

    There are a LOT of great kids out there! Somewhere along the line, we have forgotten how to encourage, rather than discourage!

    Mark Twain said it best: "I can go three months on a compliment!"

    I think that we've forgotten how to 'compliment' our youth! Sure, we've ALL done things that have been 'less than our best'. But, to put into play a saying that I heard from Tony Brown: "All of you in this room are here because ONE PERSON said you are successful, and you are merely trying to prove that person right! Remove that ONE PERSON from your life and no one would be here, plus you would not have a speaker!"

    Diva08, you hit the nail right on the head! Find the child who WANTS to be encouraged, and watch them take off to the heavenlies. :toast:

    Mike Ramey
     
  10. CHEEK41

    CHEEK41 Member MEMBER

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    Trying to place blame is not the solution, nor is it relevant, and definitely not helpful. My solution is rather simplistic, and unfortunately we as a people have become so enlightened that we have turned away from it. We have moved away from the teachings of Christ. If we followed his teachings, and this is not saying that you have to be fanatical, in church 7 days a week, praying 25 hours a day, or anything like that. However, if we love one another as HE loves us, we don't call our women the names that are so common-place and even celebrated in entertainment. If we respected and loved our mothers and sisters in this way, we would not be a party to anyone who does these things. We would also find it easier to model this behavior if WE practiced it ourselves. Our children learn what is modeled or allowed in their lives. Unfortunately, we leave so much of what needs to be taught and modeled at home to teachers and everyone, but the one's responsible for bring those children into the world.
    It is not easy, but respect is learned best when it is modeled. If we notice something wrong with our children, ask ourselves what is being modeled before them. We cannot shield them from things they will see and hear out there, but we can talk to them - honestly and frankly when we see them leaning to those things we know are not right...........:(
     
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