Black Short Stories : Love's Confusion (Part One)

Discussion in 'Short Stories - Authors - Writing' started by Earthly Allure, Mar 26, 2004.

  1. Earthly Allure

    Earthly Allure Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    *This short story is based on the life of a dear, dear person I have the pleasure of knowing and loving dearly. This story presents what my boy is dealing with at this present time as well as the history leading up to this. So please read this with a heart of understanding and prayer and not of judment and disgust. Thank you.
    ~Earthly Allure


    When you're lying here beside me
    Ooh you take my breath away
    Baby I feel such love inside me
    I'm so glad you're going to stay
    Night moods, night moods
    Got a need as deep as a canyon
    I'm so glad I found my soul companion
    I love your night moods
    I'm in the right mood
    I love your night moods...


    Chaka Khan's deliciously husky and primal voice sweeps through my soul, scorching my feelings of loneliness and burnishing my atmosphere yet still lying in the bed, I silently cry not wanting to wake Mahogany up and have to explain. It's now 4 am in the morning and here I am crying harder than it's raining outside.
    I remembered reading in Inyanla Vanzants',Last Night I Cried , that it was a good thing to sometimes sit back and have a good cry; that it was cleansing for the soul, but ****! I've been crying like this for the last four nights and frankly this...stuff is starting to wear thin!!

    But nah on the real, I cry, because first I have no choice, and second; it helps me keep my sanity. I cry because of this junk I've been feeling lately and the person I could be turning into. The questions are, 'Why is this happening to me!?' 'What can I do to get rid of these feelings and thoughts?' 'Will I make it through?' and 'Can it be done?'
    Now I'm sure you're thinking, 'What the hell is he talking about?' But
    it's so hard to dip into and I'm not even sure how to approach it, but, well here goes.

    The name is Kashmyere Robinson, i'm 22 years old and in my fourth year of college; taking up Opera and Acting, and for the last eleven years of my life I've been caught up in a maelstrom of evolution that went beyond what most men like me experienced.

    For as long as I could remember I had always been told that I was different and special, that I could do any and be anything I wanted. My mom's was a true woman of God and not someone to be taken lightly. I had been raised in the church and I accepted God in my heart knowing that without him I was nothing and would be nothing.
    With that in mind I ask myself why am I going through my present situation. So you see i'm sitting on the floor on the side of my bed with Chaka Khan's "Night Moods" playing low in the background, and i'm crying like there is no tomorrow. I don't want Mahogany to wake up, but I can't seem to even get the strenght to pick myself up. Mahogany Daniels is the girl i've been chillin with for over little over a year and yes, i've grown to love her so much over the last few months; thats it floors me. But now, i'm secretly crying and I don't want her to hear me simply because I don't want to have to explain the reason i'm shedding these tears.

    The reason would kill her and our relationship, and I don't want to hurt her, but what do you do as a man when you find that for years and years you've been harboring certain feelings for someone? Feelings and desires to give yourself body, mind and soul to another person other than the one your with? Most importantly, what do you do when you realize that you secretly harbor feelings and desires for another Man !

    If anyone has the answers to those questions then I **** sure need them! Where do I start? I guess this goes back to about five years ago. I had been around 18 years old and purely different. Living in an apartment complex that was considered the ghetto, I was an artistic free spirit surrounded by thugged out *****'s and skanky women, tricks and hoes. So of course for that period of time I had always been considered a little 'fruity' Now even though I had doubts about it, I knew I wasn't and taking it to my mother; she quickly reassured me that I was a child of the Most High and that what was being said was nothing more than a lie from the devil.

    Yet what she didn't know was that even though I knew I wasn't, I began to develop a fixation anyways. A prolonged glance here, a dirty thought there, masturbating night after night to the imagined feelings of a delicious male body on top of mine's. It's too graphic you say? Disgusting? Well...yes it is but it's something I'm dealing with and something many men deal with in other places.

    Around this time a dude by the name of Keyshawn Johnson entered my life and ended up playing a star role in my drama. This ***** was cool as hell and of course he would have to be straight up sexy as whoa! Dude was 17 but looked and acted like he was 20, stood at 5'11 or 6'0ft. with a body built like Rome. This ***** was nothing but muscles and more muscles dipped in dark chocolate with dark, polished eyes and a set of perfect white teeth. Dude was banging to say the least. Keyshawn was staying with his mother who was actually his aunt. He stayed upstairs in the building across from mine and we were pretty tight. K-shawn, as everybody called him, was what I considered the epitome of masculine thug appeal. Dude rapped, drank, smoked blunts, had a succession of regular females he could chill with and even slang a little drug's for a minute. But with me, dude was cool as ice.

    Of course my moms didn't like him, didn't like the company he kept or the things he did and she didn't want me corrupted by being in his company or anyone elses for that matter. K-shawn and I would still chill and walk the streets, with me enjoying his presence even more than he could have imagined. And this was where the problems began to arise. Like I said, I had been dealing with these feelings for over 11 years and when I met K-shawn, it had been for the last 6 years; and in those last 6 years I had tried with everything in me to repress what I was feeling. Yes, I still and will always dig and love females! There is nothing and no world without a woman, but I was slowly beginning to want my cake and eat it too, the best of both worlds.

    So in the six years before meeting K-shawn, I was dealing with those various desires and also sexual encounters...yes sexual encounters! I had by this time given oral sex to about two dudes I chilled with before and jacked off with them but that was the extent of my sexual experiences. So now i'm bothered and always horny as hell in K-shawn's presence simply because this ***** exuded sexuality like the rain falling from heaven. I think now that Keyshawn knew of my partiality to men and that only fueled the fire for the next act.

    I can't recall what I was doing, but I was home and I was babysitting my siblings until moms got off work. I was chillin around the house singing and stuff. The phone rings and its him.
    Just the sound of this dudes deep voice gets me going.

    'Whats good with you shawty?' he says.

    'nothing dawg, i'm chillin; handling up on the fam until mom's gets back in.' I reply.

    'aiight I feel you, I feel you' he says.

    From there we continue to shoot the breeze about different things. I mean normally its highly uncommon for two *****'s to be on the phone conversating. If you ain't trying to get up in some female, get ya smoke on or roll to the mall or club, it really isn't anything you could talk about with another male. But we continued chatting about nothing really.
    By this time i'm laid out across my mom's bed loving my *****'s voice and just going with the flow.

    Now I'm not sure how we got on the subject or who brought what up, but I believe I asked him something to the effect of what was the wildest thing he had ever done or would ever do. He said that he was pretty much laidback and some other stuff and that subject was let down quickly.

    "Say, Kash, man why don't you have a female?" He asked me.

    "I'm just not feelin them right now. I'm chillin, i'm good." I said

    "Hmmmm thats cool." he says with a slight touch of doubt.

    "Why? Whats the problem K-Shawn?" I ask, my mood destroyed and anticipation setting in.

    He's quiet for a minute before saying, "Man you know a lot of my ****** and other kats think you're a punk and I was wondering, I mean its all good with me, but I'm curious dawg."

    My breathing is shallow and even though we're only on the phone I began to get nervous.

    "Dawg, are you there?" He asks.

    "Yeah pa, i'm here." I say in a strained tone. ****! Im sweating my a** off, trying to compose my voice before replying.

    "Man its ok if you get down." He says "It aint no one's business about what you do in your private life."

    I get myself under control. "Man, i'm not a punk. I mean, yeah, I've had a few thoughts about what it would be like to get down with another dude, but i'm sure every ***** has at one time." I stop right there. For some reason im nervous. The silence stretches between us and his next words shock me.

    "I feel you pa, I'm not a punk either, but i've had those thoughts before..." He trails off for a minute or two.

    "Shawn...are you there?" I ask

    "Yeah man, I was just thinking. But yo, would you get down with a *****?" He asks and instantly my heart is in overtime and my stomach has that excited/anticipatory feel. What can I say to this dude? My ***** or not, I don't want him to know about my past, so what do I say."

    "Man, I consider myself openminded in all aspects, so...I mean...if the opportunity presented itself...i'd do it as an experiment." I'm sweating bullets and about to drop dead.
    There's a pregnant silence that stretches and I can feel that something is about to be birthed.

    "Thats cool pa..." He says, his voice a bit more deeper than before. "Cause I'm wondering if you would kick it with me, cause I want to kick it with you."

    The phone drops out of my hands! Ladies and Gentlemen, I had officially passed out!

    ~(TBC)~
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    what a story i really enjoyed it pt.2 please
    this was well done da skillz speak out
     
  3. Earthly Allure

    Earthly Allure Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks pa...

    I'm working on part two. I appreciate your love. Be blessed.
    ~Earthly Allure
     
  4. sarcasm4eva

    sarcasm4eva Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    tyte story. more more more.lol. reminds me of one of E. Lynn Harris' books. im feelin the names too. pt.2 please. much love :)
     
  5. Earthly Allure

    Earthly Allure Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I appreciate the love. I was inspired to write this piece right after reading one of E. Lynn Harris's books. The man is a wonderful author. I'll be doing part 2 real soon.
    Much love
     
  6. the_story

    the_story Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    okay this is tyte...i was feelin this...
    :heart:
    -story
     
  7. SensualReality

    SensualReality Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    much love to you this story is good foreal got me wanting more
     
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