Black Relationships : Love Me As I Am?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by A007, Apr 11, 2003.

  1. A007

    A007 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2001
    Messages:
    1,778
    Likes Received:
    114
    Location:
    memphis, Tn
    Ratings:
    +115
    Is it fair for any of us to ask our partner/spouse to love us as we are?

    It is understandable that all of us want to have the freedom to be who we really are around our lover. In fact, it is one of the things that makes us love them (the fact that we can be ourselves around them).

    But...shouldn't we strive to be the best we can be? We all know we will never be perfect, but shouldn't we work to be, not only for ourselves but for our respective partners. We all have flaws, so does that make it ok to say "this is my flaw take it or leave it, but I am not changing?"

    That seems to be the battle cry for the dysfunctional. Don't get me wrong, I know I have flaws, but the difference is...I won't ask my partner to love me IN SPITE of them...I will ask her to love me UNTIL i get them corrected...AND THEN I MAKE A CONSCIENCE EFFORT TO IMPROVE. This is because I want to be the best person I can be for me and for her. Isn't sacrifice one of the staples of love? So I don't believe she is out of line for asking me to 'handle my issues'.

    I understand that some of the "flaws" are things that draw us to a certain person. A querky laugh, silly disposition, funny mannerism are things that should not be worked on because they make us different. But..IMHO insecurity, lack of class, cheating, inablity to communicate, selfishness, or anything else that detracts from the harmony of a relationship should be worked on and not treated as just a part of one's personality that should be "accepted cuz you love me"
     
  2. sexe1

    sexe1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2001
    Messages:
    204
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Purchaing
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Ratings:
    +0
    Well...

    IMHO, I feel that if someone loves you they should love you reguardless. The question I would wonder is why do I have to change? I tell people all the time, "if I was not this way you wouldn't feel the same way about me" and I totally think that is true. When you started dating this person, they accepted you as you were so why is there such a big deal to change now.

    As far as:
    with the exception of lack of class (which can't really be determined by one person) you should not bring these types of things into a relationship. I understand that everyone may have some doubt in their mind, but going into the relationship doubt should be gone.
     
  3. A007

    A007 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2001
    Messages:
    1,778
    Likes Received:
    114
    Location:
    memphis, Tn
    Ratings:
    +115
    Sexe1--

    I completely understand where you are coming from. I would even venture to say that most people feel the same way you do. Your question: "The question I would wonder is why do I have to change?"

    The answer: We all change. We will change regardless of if we are aware the changes are coming or not. The question is....if you KNOW you have an issue...and this issue is not promoting anything positive in your life.....Why WOULDN'T you change? Not just for your partner..but mostly because it would make you a BETTER you.

    From what I understand (which is not everything) most people don't address their problems/issues because of fear and pain. If your partner is well-adjusted and supportive a legitimate effort at resolving those issues that keep you from being the best you can be (on the way to being perfect...even though we will never get there) should be actively sought for everyones benefit.

    That fact is you will not be the same next year as you are today...either you will get better or get worse because staying the same is the equivilent to getting worse.

    "Either you make progress or get passed by"-- Fredrick Douglas

    What cha think?
     
  4. sexe1

    sexe1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2001
    Messages:
    204
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Purchaing
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Ratings:
    +0
    Respectfully Speaking

    A007-

    Well I understand what you are saying and I agree that everyone will change, does change...but to have someone to tell you that you need to change is IMO that the place of that person.
    And again, some things should not be taken into a relationship.
    Personally speaking I don't try to resolve problems out of fear or pain, I just like to have a peaceful vibe.

    I was told that whatever you are doing when you bring in the new year is how your life will be throughout the year, but why are there so many people in church new years eve and sinning all throughout the year?

    Yes a person will change but in there own time, and that can't be forced. I don't think that when Frederick Douglas made that statement that he meant immediately.
     
  5. A007

    A007 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2001
    Messages:
    1,778
    Likes Received:
    114
    Location:
    memphis, Tn
    Ratings:
    +115
    I agree with you 100 percent. I agree that we shouldn't take some of our issues into relationships......but we do. I aslo agree with you about changing at our own pace.

    The question was do you think its fair to say except me the way I am and leave it at that? Of course we are going to love you anyway, but to say you are not going to get ANY better during our life together is selfish IMHO.

    Now take into consideration that I am only referring to those issues/problems that detract from the relationship...i.e. causes arguements and problems.
     
  6. sexe1

    sexe1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2001
    Messages:
    204
    Likes Received:
    0
    Occupation:
    Purchaing
    Location:
    Houston, TX
    Ratings:
    +0
    The answer in my opinion is yes. And I think that someone saying that they are not ever going to change or get better is selfish....but trying to make a person change overnight is wrong to me....that's all I'm saying.
     
  7. A007

    A007 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2001
    Messages:
    1,778
    Likes Received:
    114
    Location:
    memphis, Tn
    Ratings:
    +115
    i agree sexe1...i agree
     
  8. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2002
    Messages:
    229
    Likes Received:
    10
    Occupation:
    System Administrator
    Location:
    Atlanta
    Ratings:
    +11
    Good Question

    A007 --

    If you've chosen this person to be your mate then I think you should accept them as they are. Having said that, I would like to think that everyone would strive for improvement, however, sometimes it's hard for us to see a reason or could care about the "improvements" our mates sees. For instance, if you have a mate that doesn't manage finances well and their mate does, they might not see the urgency for both to have good credit as long as one does. No matter what road blocks they encounter or headaches that come from bad credit...it just might not register that they could be a stronger unit if BOTH parties managed finances equally.

    If your mate is saying "take me as I am" that can be translated in a way to mean that you do indeed what to change them. Perhaps they will eventually make those "improvements" and maybe not, but at one time those "behaviors" were accepted or compromised upon for whatever reason, and now it appears that they are not and is being challenged.

    This is another reason why selecting a mate should be thoroughly thought out, unless of course, we believe that we have no choice in who we fall in love with, or what to be with...LOL! (remember that conversation? :)
     
  9. A007

    A007 Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2001
    Messages:
    1,778
    Likes Received:
    114
    Location:
    memphis, Tn
    Ratings:
    +115
    lol.....yeah i remember that conversation.

    I think you and sexe1 have misunderstood the question. I am not saying to ask your partner to change. I am saying shouldn't YOU chanllenge YOURSELF to make improvements for YOU and YOUR PARTNER.

    What I am saying is that shouldn't we be strong enough to recognize the issues that are causing problems in our relationships and be willing to make sacrifices in order to bring about harmony within the relationship and bring about peace within ourselves.

    I am not saying that I can't accept a woman who doesn't make changes for the better. I am saying I can't accept MYSELF if i do not make changes for the better and it is not fair for me to ask my partner to accept me eiither.
     
  10. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2002
    Messages:
    229
    Likes Received:
    10
    Occupation:
    System Administrator
    Location:
    Atlanta
    Ratings:
    +11
    Absolutely!

    ...you should challenge yourself to make improvements for you and your partner. There is an african proverb that I really like, it says:

    "If *better* is possible, then *good* is not good enough!"

    I believe I understood your question and I think (if I'm not mistaken) I addressed it. In my reply I did say "Having said that, I would like to think that everyone would strive for improvement, however, sometimes it's hard for us to see a reason or could care about the "improvements" our mates sees."
     
Loading...