Black Poetry : Love Lost

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by lpoet, Apr 22, 2002.

  1. lpoet

    lpoet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I wrote this yesterday.............i'm thinking it should be longer. what do you think?



    I knew what she was going to say
    before Her lips moved
    she never was good with words
    And stood in front of me
    mumbling and jumbling Her words together
    trying to put what she wanted To say
    in I guess a “nice way”
    but how could you
    Tell someone whom you supposedly loved
    that you don’t want them anymore?
    she went on to tell me
    That we were moving in separate ways
    and things Between us were just not the same
    Soon after she stopped talking and took her
    Hand from mines kissed me on the cheek told me
    She loved me and said goodbye
    I watched as she turned and walked away and couldn’t
    Help but to reminisce on all the times we shared and how
    Late into the night we sat planning for the future when
    The present needed to be changed
    As I walked tears fell uncontrollably from my eyes
    People stared but I didn’t care didn’t even think to
    Wipe them away
    nothing at that moment mattered
    Cause from that second on ever step I took
    Caried me further away from you
    I used to long for tomorrows in each and every today
    But now I only wish for the love I lost yesterday
     
  2. halle24

    halle24 Active Member MEMBER

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    you know what?
    i think your right
    even though i do like this i think it
    could be so much better.
    you have a good story here
    but you could develop it so much
    further

    but you know i love your work
    drop me an email to let me know
    if and when you do some more work on this
    oh and like i said i like it just think it
    could be better
    i especially like the end of the poem
    its creative

    love always H.
     
  3. lpoet

    lpoet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanks for the resposne H.

    you said exataly what i think
    thanks.

    i'll email you when i do more
    work to it
     
  4. lpoet

    lpoet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    would like to get some advice on this one
     
  5. msluciousb

    msluciousb Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    For what it's worth!

    I found this piece formidable and concise.
    I found no need for making it longer, but
    I would as the author look over it again
    and do some edit work just a nip and a tuck here
    and there. Content is so much more important
    that the quantatity of a piece.
    You conveyed the feelings and emotions very
    well I feel and that speaks to and from the heart!
    BLESSINGS ON YA HOUSE!
     
  6. lpoet

    lpoet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanks for the showin love msluciousb
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this piece is beautifully sprayed
    in motion u can go longer yet
    softly u can set still in it's whole
     
  8. lpoet

    lpoet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanks rich
     
  9. eternal

    eternal Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Okay. So am not alone on this. hummm...
    Nicely written, deeply felt. Keep it tight poet!
    Eternal
     
  10. lpoet

    lpoet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanks eternal for the response

    i think everyone has been here before
     
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