Poetry Critiques : Looking for a Hybrid

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Tha-Emissary, May 10, 2008.

  1. Tha-Emissary

    Tha-Emissary Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    My newest creative venture is to seek out a hybrid poem of history combined with affection. I got the idea watching a war movie called, "Red Line!" The movie was good and oddly enough it paused right in the middle of ragging explosions to show a couple together. It was unexpected freak on and it really caught my attention. Yeah I was all up in it like that! but I think history is rich and so is passion. I figure it's got the makings of a good combo like porchops and white bread. So with no further ado here's:

    You Rock My World War I
    :


    My enemy
    I know she’s somewhere
    She’s got to be over these two hills
    God I know we can take these hills
    So I charge my way upward
    These steep hill breasts
    To find that they’re two eyes already dug in
    Staring back at me
    I swiftly put my head back between the crevasses of the hills
    To keep my head from being blown off
    **** I’m outnumbered by Beauty
    Loudly whistle to call my last two platoons
    We going to have to flank her
    I give the signal
    My right platoon
    My arm goes right
    And my left platoon
    My left arm goes left around her
    We crawl like babies through thick jet black grassy savannah hair
    Burned in the heat of the moment
    Hastily we make it to her back
    A trap! Where her Japanese insignia is painted there
    It’s the Red Sun giving birth to a crimson rose of thorns
    I’ve committed suicide
    As she turns her forces face forward
    I yell, “ATACK” whipping my knife out of my pants to cut her
    But she catches the blade between her soft hands dulling it
    Slaps me back like a shotgun into the burning grass
    My left and right platoons are wiped out
    My right arms barely moves
    There’s no escape and I’m caught in the middle of the last two legs of her army
    She taken me
    Striking long dark red nails in my mouth to clamp my tongue from speech
    Whispering what seems like English in my right ear
    “No Scream boy!”
    She lifts me up by my tongue closer
    Laughing as she pulls down her zipper
    Nails suddenly rips out of my tongue
    Madly she licks my blood and saliva off like warm saki
    Yanking my head backwards she re inserts the nails into my forehead
    One by one the wounds sink in
    The Reality sinks in
    I’m not going to make it
    As she has sticks one of breast grenades in my mouth
    To begin to suffocate me in her arms. I hold strong
    Suck her breasts hard with my teeth to keep from losing my emotions like losing the pin
    But it’s useless
    My lips are snatched from her breast
    By the nails driving my forehead back
    My life, my love, my inhibitions release like a pin ripped out the grenade
    And my body lies lifeless
    Another casualty of war
    Another casualty of love
    As She blows my mind!
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    look like ya her prisoner at hand this was alright & tyte
     
  3. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Ah the art of the dominatrix. Every woman should retain just a little bit.

    What does it need? To be published.
     
  4. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    great concept...
    i think that you could have done more with the war analogies though...
    other than that, i don't see anything wrong with this joint...
    stay creative....

    one love
    khasm
     
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