Poetry Critiques : Life's Fatigue

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by MRS. LADY, Dec 3, 2007.

  1. MRS. LADY

    MRS. LADY Banned MEMBER

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    My hands are tierd.
    How much longer do I have to work?

    My feet are tierd.
    How much longer do I have to walk?

    My mouth is tierd.
    How much longer do I have to smile?

    My heart is tierd.
    How much longer do I have to love?

    My soul is lonely!
    How much longer do I have to live!
     
  2. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Questions such as these beg to be answered. Yet the answers, as tired as we are, lie within ourselves. I like how you spelled the word tired, as "tierd", emphasizing the exhaustion. I felt the weariness in your words, in this succinctly written piece.
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Things that pound our minds
    and what we all lone to know

    Answer is within and in God's Hands
    we all just a worrior in life's creation & world

    so it be written ......so it be done !
     
  4. river

    river Watch Her Flow MEMBER

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    Is that how you meant to spell the word tired?
     
  5. MRS. LADY

    MRS. LADY Banned MEMBER

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    Hi Sister River:

    Not originally...

    sometimes I write that way... I have a very deep ri accent..... so you'll catch me spellin that way.... (pac da cah)

    but then once I look'd at it... it sounded better to me that way....
     
  6. Da Street So'ja

    Da Street So'ja Banned MEMBER

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    my critique

    is i'm feeling you

    Take this bottle of water
    Quench your thirst
    Fatigue is amplified
    At your worst
    The soul is lonely
    Dealing with phonies
    Cut-throats stuntin' as
    Homies
    Full of ish and baloney
    Acting gets em a tony

    The grind
    Enough to challenge the mind
    Enough to pressure the time
    Search and you shall find
    Recognize the signs
    You are one of a kind
    You’re gonna do fine
    These bricks will fall in line
    you holding up the front
    i got it from behind
     
  7. PLATINUMILLITY1

    PLATINUMILLITY1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Even when we feel it is time to end, Something or someone bring us back and reminds us that there is never a done, never an over, or a finish, and that love bring us back to,life to try again.
    I love this Sister Miss:) It reminds me of what I was saying myself.....
    If I have any critique it's maybe the length, and with that maybe a transition...:)
    But as I said...I felt it:)
     
  8. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    thas real right there...
    this is one of those tasty lil chicken wings that u taste
    and want another one...
    nuthing wrong with this piece...tyte write...

    one love
    khasm
     
  9. MRS. LADY

    MRS. LADY Banned MEMBER

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    wow

    I miss'd this....

    thanx mayne!

    i wrote this when i was 14....

    lookin everywhere for love but not knowing it was everywhere and nowhere...

    peace
     
  10. MRS. LADY

    MRS. LADY Banned MEMBER

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    Hotep Br. Khasm:

    thank you soooooo much....

    wow ... u boosted my confidence right out to space....

    one love
     
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