Black Relationships : LADIES: A Question - do you view romance in a fairy tale / harlequin novel kinda way?

[uplift19]

Naaw, i ain't gonna blame this on Dear Ole Mom, not this time! Oh, she was plenty cautionary, but I generally believed that her "ish-shoes" about relationships were just that--her ish. Young love is extremely optimistic--none of that stuff she was talkin about applied to me! As a result, she spent a lot of time telling me 'i told you so!"-- my fantasy bumping up against my reality.

A pendulum swings both ways--each extreme. I spent a lot of time placing men on pedestals they did not belong on, and a lot of time thinking men ain't ish. Both views extreme--both views wrong.

She mostly taught me not to spend life waiting on a man to come along to complete the picture. If there are things you want out of life go get it-- 'cause if you waiting on a man, you might be waiting a long time. (And she didn't tell me this in a "men ain't ish" way, either!)

She never gave a reason why--but when you have fulfilled your own desires, it leaves you free to love your mate from pure intentions and motives--not from a place of need or greed.

This was good advice for my life. Matter-of-fact, I wish I had followed it sooner; I would have saved myself a lot of time, money, heartbreak, and tears.

Amen to everything you said. My mother went through a divorce and spent time early on telling me my father wasn't ish and gave a general idea that men aren't either and by example, her and all of my divorced aunts taught me to be independent.

That said I was young and naive (maybe still am in some ways) and never took her men ain't ish syndrome seriously. That was until I got into some real deep relationship issues that made me see why she felt that way she did and actually gave me more respect for how she raised me basically alone and did eventually grow to stop bad mouthing my father.

I'm still learning and growing but def believe we can fall into a trap of looking for someone to fill a need you should take care of yourself. That is dangerous. We all have needs to be loved, wanted, desired, etc. but no one can give us self-esteem, confidence, and a sense of purpose (not a real one anyway).

 

[uplift19]

If you only date guys that are over 6 feet tall, that is a condition. Thus I'm trying to get people to see that the phrase, " Unconditional Love" is no more than a myth. You have conditions. They may be quite reasonable. but by definition, you have thrown unconditional in the trash

I don't think you're defining unconditional love properly. The way you say it makes it seem like we should have unconditional love for everyone. I view it as once you are in love with a person, you love them regardless....regardless of what goes on in your life or theirs. And just because you have unconditional love doesn't mean you have to stay in an unhealthy relationship either.















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[Kemetstry]

I don't think you're defining unconditional love properly. The way you say it makes it seem like we should have unconditional love for everyone. I view it as once you are in love with a person, you love them regardless....regardless of what goes on in your life or theirs. And just because you have unconditional love doesn't mean you have to stay in an unhealthy relationship either.















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No, my point was there is no such thing as unconditional love on this earth. We all have conditions that a mate must meet. Because I gave several situations to her to make the point. That's why divorces happen

 

[anAfrican]

No, my point was there is no such thing as unconditional love on this earth. We all have conditions that a mate must meet. Because I gave several situations to her to make the point. That's why divorces happen

Love is only unconditional. that's why divorces don't happen. that's why babies happen. that's why babies grow up. that's why ... and yet again ...

... and <sigh> again ..​

 

[uplift19]

No, my point was there is no such thing as unconditional love on this earth. We all have conditions that a mate must meet. Because I gave several situations to her to make the point. That's why divorces happen

Once again, you have it twisted. You are putting the cart before the horse and being cynical I think your point is more that people lie when they get married and SAY they have unconditional love when they don't. When they get hit with the reality of life with someone they figure out, low and behold, they have conditions. Rihanna should have one right about now, but I digress....

That doesn't mean that unconditional love does not exist, and it's not only between spouses. In fact, in most cases it is a different type of relationship where unconditional love is present (i.e. parent-child, siblings, etc.).