Black Relationships : KICK ME IN MY TEETH, WILL YA...

NNQueen said:
Brother Isaiah, I can only speak for myself based on situations and circumstances I've experienced when I've been "hurt" by men. First, when it comes to men, I have a low threshhold for pain, and I'm extremely sensitive to how they treat me and what they do while with me.

I firmly believe in the "golden rule" so I take what men do--good or bad--very seriously. None of us are perfect so I expect that, sometimes, we may "hurt" each other, but I don't trip over the "small" stuff. As such, not everything a man does that might hurt me will have a lasting or damaging affect on me or us.

But there may be some types of pain that could have a lasting affect depending on the brevity of what was done. If what was done was a direct violation of my basic values or my beliefs--honesty, integrity, respect, etc., it might shake the very foundation of our relationship as a whole because I will feel violated. At that point, I can't sit here and promise that I won't have some issues as a result.

So the pain must run deep to my core in order for it to outweigh any of the so-called "good" that my man has ever done for me. Anything less, I can work with him.


Sister Queenie, I understand your perspective, and I might have said that SOME women respond this way, and not all, because I understand that we all have different personalities...

But even with that concession, I would not conceed that these incidents were "small stuff", or happened as the result of some major violation of some code of ethics and behavior on my part... In fact, the it was the sheer pettiness of it all that that most annoyed me... Like yesterday is past and gone and what have you done for me lately... To which I relate an incident which happened between my mother and I some 23 years ago... As her birthday fell between Thanksgiving and Christmas each year, I gave her about $350 in cash for her to spend as she wished... A week later, on my way home from work, I stopped by her house to say hello... She seemed pleased to see me, until I asked if I could have a cup of tea with some lemon and sugar... At that point she launched off into how I should've bought these things with me before I came...(smile!) This is a week after I put them $350 beans in her pocket... So, I politely bid her a good night, and went on and bought my tea with lemon and sugar from a diner...

To you, this might seem unimportant... To me it was the last straw for her, or any woman who responds/responded to me in that way... Unlike Destee, I don't believe one deserves that kind of treatment from anyone - to be smacked in the face after a good deed - and I sure as hell don't believe I was anymore responsible for my mother's behavior than I was for her bringing me to this plane in the first place... That is an absolutely ludicrous idea - if it can be called an idea at all...

Again, it may well be that MEN are just as guilty of this behavior, but I don't have a great many dealings with men on this tip... Besides Dealings between two men are rarely vested with emotion, so a brother who behaved in this way would, in all truth, be seen as being quite feminine...



Peace!
Isaiah
 
Isaiah said:
To which I relate an incident which happened between my mother and I some 23 years ago... As her birthday fell between Thanksgiving and Christmas each year, I gave her about $350 in cash for her to spend as she wished... A week later, on my way home from work, I stopped by her house to say hello... She seemed pleased to see me, until I asked if I could have a cup of tea with some lemon and sugar... At that point she launched off into how I should've bought these things with me before I came...(smile!) This is a week after I put them $350 beans in her pocket... So, I politely bid her a good night, and went on and bought my tea with lemon and sugar from a diner...

Brother Isaiah...in my opinion, pain is nothing more than a symptom that something is wrong. Based on what you described above, I understand what you are saying. And no, I don't consider that as "small stuff" if you don't think that it is and if it hurt you deeply. I think it's important to remember though that what might seem small to me may not appear that way for you or others. It's all relative to us as individuals and not necessarily as a group.

Because I may not be receptive to or supportive of a man because he caused me some serious pain, doesn't mean that I can't see the "good" in him at the same time. But surely you understand that there are times when the bad in people can sometimes outweigh their good. It all has to be weighed and measured by the standards that people hold dear to themselves. There are just some things I can't and will not compromise on if it means that I must give up my essence in order to do so.

I've never met you Brother Isaiah but I can read the good in you. That doesn't mean that I always agree with you, but you have and do contribute a lot of good discussion to this community.

But maybe you and I are describing two separate things. I tend to think a little differently at time. I could be viewing this from the extreme. Brother Kemestry thinks I need to re-read what I originally wrote because every woman that responded to this thread, including myself, proved your original point. Was the point to set out to prove that women "kick men in the teeth" regardless of the good things they've done for women? Speaking for myself, and not denying that some women may do this, I'm just saying I've not ever done it. I don't "kick", I prefer to make choices based on what I see or believe.
 
Isaiah said:
Sister Queenie, I understand your perspective, and I might have said that SOME women respond this way, and not all, because I understand that we all have different personalities...

But even with that concession, I would not conceed that these incidents were "small stuff", or happened as the result of some major violation of some code of ethics and behavior on my part... In fact, the it was the sheer pettiness of it all that that most annoyed me... Like yesterday is past and gone and what have you done for me lately... To which I relate an incident which happened between my mother and I some 23 years ago... As her birthday fell between Thanksgiving and Christmas each year, I gave her about $350 in cash for her to spend as she wished... A week later, on my way home from work, I stopped by her house to say hello... She seemed pleased to see me, until I asked if I could have a cup of tea with some lemon and sugar... At that point she launched off into how I should've bought these things with me before I came...(smile!) This is a week after I put them $350 beans in her pocket... So, I politely bid her a good night, and went on and bought my tea with lemon and sugar from a diner...

To you, this might seem unimportant... To me it was the last straw for her, or any woman who responds/responded to me in that way... Unlike Destee, I don't believe one deserves that kind of treatment from anyone - to be smacked in the face after a good deed - and I sure as hell don't believe I was anymore responsible for my mother's behavior than I was for her bringing me to this plane in the first place... That is an absolutely ludicrous idea - if it can be called an idea at all...

Again, it may well be that MEN are just as guilty of this behavior, but I don't have a great many dealings with men on this tip... Besides Dealings between two men are rarely vested with emotion, so a brother who behaved in this way would, in all truth, be seen as being quite feminine...



Peace!
Isaiah

Ohmygosh, Brother, this made me start tearing up, that you were treated like this by your mom. I honestly felt your pain.

Not knowing your mom, I would just have to conclude that something terrible must have happened to her in her life that would cause her to relate to you in this way. I know it's virtually impossible for you, but I hope you've learned not to take it personally. Don't continue to re-live it because whoever did something to her is getting you too. This wasn't your fault. As the sista said above, I too sense your caring nature, your goodness.
 
NNQueen said:
Brother Isaiah...in my opinion, pain is nothing more than a symptom that something is wrong. Based on what you described above, I understand what you are saying. And no, I don't consider that as "small stuff" if you don't think that it is and if it hurt you deeply. I think it's important to remember though that what might seem small to me may not appear that way for you or others. It's all relative to us as individuals and not necessarily as a group.

Because I may not be receptive to or supportive of a man because he caused me some serious pain, doesn't mean that I can't see the "good" in him at the same time. But surely you understand that there are times when the bad in people can sometimes outweigh their good. It all has to be weighed and measured by the standards that people hold dear to themselves. There are just some things I can't and will not compromise on if it means that I must give up my essence in order to do so.

I've never met you Brother Isaiah but I can read the good in you. That doesn't mean that I always agree with you, but you have and do contribute a lot of good discussion to this community.

But maybe you and I are describing two separate things. I tend to think a little differently at time. I could be viewing this from the extreme. Brother Kemestry thinks I need to re-read what I originally wrote because every woman that responded to this thread, including myself, proved your original point. Was the point to set out to prove that women "kick men in the teeth" regardless of the good things they've done for women? Speaking for myself, and not denying that some women may do this, I'm just saying I've not ever done it. I don't "kick", I prefer to make choices based on what I see or believe.


Actually, Queenie, I don't necessarily agree with Brother Kemestry on how what I said has been validated by every woman's post, and that wasn't even my point in posting this thread, to try to prove that every woman does this... Again, there are SOME who do, and have done this kind of thing to me, and I wonder where that comes from...

Clearly, I do not believe ALL women do this... I think that most women try to be cognizant and circumspect in their behavior... I just think their emotions get in the way of that, and they don't THINK before they act... In some cases I brought this to the attention of these women, such as my ex-wife, and she was pretty contrite about it... Nevertheless, it happened again, even after her being made cognizant of it... If it were as Destee has constructed things, then I'd definitely claim some responsibility for her actions, but as I made her cognizant, the responsbility was upon her to control her emotions...

Neverrtheless, Sister Queenie, I think the fact that women might believe its a small thing is an invalidation of men as feeling human beings... In as much as we've experienced a thread which talks about us whining and crying, as if we cannot dare utter a complaint against a woman's callous disregard for our feelings and humanity, women need to consider that the pendulum sways in both directions... When brothers get all cold and callous toward you, then you got to be able to conceive of the fact that they do it unto you just as you've done it unto them... I am not speaking generically here, but as our personal relationships go... I cannot ever remember my having been callous like that toward someone UNLESS it was warranted... That was the way I was brought up to be, and that has been my conscious policy, to treat others in the way they DESERVED to be treated... Do the right thing by me, and I feel obligated to do the right thing by you...



Peace!
Isaiah
 
people period will remember the 'bad things' more often than not as opposed to the 'good' things. however i would argue that you are probably dealing with some negative people... i think this is rooted in people being negative and unappreciative and feeling insecure as opposed the aforementioned.
 

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