Black Relationships : KICK ME IN MY TEETH, WILL YA...

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Isaiah, May 16, 2006.

  1. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It occurs to me that I can compliment an African women until I am blue in the face... I can do all sorts of nice things for her, defend her honor, give her some of the greatest lovin' she ever had, but... If I criticize her, or say something she doesn't like, or hurt her feelings...THAT is what she'll remember... I am not gonna ask brothers up in her for no confirmation on that... I am speaking from my PERSONAL experience, and from a sincere desire to KNOW where that all comes from???

    Why do women seemilngly choose to remember how they were hurt over the many times you've brought them joy??? What is the psychological dynamic behind that??? I await your answers, pro and con...



    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  2. Blaklioness

    Blaklioness Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    MOST people hold on to negative experiences more than positive ones. I'm not sure that's a special problem for Black women.
     
  3. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I am not saying it is a special problem for Black Women as much as I am saying it is a problem for WOMEN... This might go over as a kind of chauvinistic perspective, unless you understand what it is to be a man, and not be given the same kind of positive reinforcement that men DO give women, and women take for granted...

    Secondly, being criticized is not necessarily a "negative experience." It's all in how one takes the criticism, harsh though it may be. Compliments are not necessarily a positive experience, but, again, it is in how one takes it, smooth and sweet as the compliment may sound(smile!)

    I don't hold onto negative experiences, sister Black Lioness, where I lash out at you as if you've never done a kind thing for me in your life... But, yes, I've experienced that sort of behavior from females, from mama to my ex... Today the love your because you have said and done such wonderful things... Tomorrow, however, dare criticize them, and all you did the previous day goes out the window... There is no attempt at balancing the good you've done with the "bad..." But then I fully expect y'all not to acknowledge that...



    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  4. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    If there are women that you are giving positive reinforcement, being taken for granted, not being treated in the manner that you'd like ... stop giving.


    If a person responds in a manner that could be referred to as "hurt", that's negative, not positive.


    Well, it's not really for us to acknowledge it, that is for you to do. You have presented your own personal experience, with the unique and individual Black women in your life (from mama to ex). I don't know what goes into making relationships be as you've described yours, but i think it would be safe to say that all involved, are responsible for the result(s). There may be some question regarding the degree of culpability, but one cannot feign innocence, while participating.

    If these are the type of experiences you're having with the closest Black women in your life ... that might be a clue.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  5. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    OK, let's take YOU, Destee... YOU are a prime example of what I am talking about... Yes, YOU, sister, exemplify the things I wrote about in this post, because I cannot count the countless number of times I've singled you out for praise, but your response is the same old coldness you exhibit in this thing you wrote up above... In fact, I think it's mad fitting that you are responding to this, because the caps fits you like right mad perfect, like a classic women's business suit...

    It fits a number of sisters up in here who say brothers don't support them, brothers don't have their back, brothers don't defend them... Man, check my posts up in here... I defended women when not even YOU, Destee, would defend them.. Been called a pimp, mack daddy, and kiss ***, for defending the perspective of Black Women up in here... Yet, sisters CHOOSE only to see the "low opinion" brothers have of them... Isaiah didn't say that, a particular sister said that... I am not responsible for her feelings, anymore than I am responsible for YOU deciding to create a thread on my so-called pain... I didn't ask you to do that... I did ask you, as per my choice in the matter to delete it, but today it still sits there - by your choice to allow it to sit there...

    Furthermore, for you to say that "all involved are responsble" for what goes on their relationships, I wonder if you say that when a man is brutalizing a sister in their relationship??? Do you tell Black women that they are responsible for the treatment they get from Black men, how we lay 'em and leave em, get 'em pregnant and leave 'em, curse them, pimp them and abuse them - are those sisters RESPONSIBLE for what they are getting in those relationships??? Are African people responsible for being the victims of White Supremacy??? Are Dark-Skinned African people responsible for being "passed over", as brother James said??? I await your response to what I've said here...



    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  6. Ledda

    Ledda Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Why do women seemilngly choose to remember how they were hurt over the many times you've brought them joy??? What is the psychological dynamic behind that??? I await your answers, pro and con...[/FONT][/SIZE]



    I can see where you are coming from. My husband and I have been together seven years and the 18th will be our anniversary. As I was thinking last night about what to do this years I began to let my mind wander-we went through something a few months ago and although he's sincerely sorry, has done everything he knows how to make things right, and has always learned from his mistakes in the past not repeating them I still have a hard time getting past it and letting go. I realize that not only is this negative for our relationship but what's worse is it's bad for me and my well being. I even told myself that I should try to focus on the many more great times we've had other than this small issue but it hasn't been easy. I don't "kick him in the teeth" or bring it up constantly; now and again he'll say something and I want to say, "Oh, like you did a few months ago?" But I catch myself and choose my words wisely. And in his defense, he knows it's still bothering me and is still trying.
    In response to your question, I realize that I'm one of those women and I really don't know why.
     
  7. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Brother Isaiah ... if you experience like situations with your Mama, Ex, and me ... i think it's you ... and not us. You are the one constant in all of the interactions. Again, i think you should count that as a clue, regarding what part to fix first.


    Yes, all involved are responsible.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  8. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    OK, thought that's what you'd say...

    So when these members refuse to pay for a premium membership, you are responsible for their behavior, is that what I'm understanding you to say, as well???? That you are responsible for this relationship that you've got with folks who don't want to pay, and not White Supremacy and all that good stuff, right??? Cool, I thanks for your honesty...


    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  9. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    The Members that refuse to financially help, yet remain here, are responsible for their own behavior / choices.

    I am responsible for mine. Yes, to some degree i am responsible for the relationship that exists, between Members of this community and myself, as it relates to everyone being allowed to remain, even though they refuse to help. I could change that right now, if i wanted. They too have some responsibility in what the relationship is, as they remain here, allowing it to exist.

    I believe white domination (the conditioning) plays a part in the the fact that even though many live here, few help.

    Again, all involved are responsible.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  10. Slowly

    Slowly Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think all women to some degree may be like that. It depends on who you say what to and when. One friend of mine took my saying she had 'big legs' as a compliment, another friend took it to mean she was fat. But on the other hand, I have Black (African?) friends that you have to treat with kids gloves. One such friend, grew up with a mother who was not very nice. The Mother never had any thing nice to say about any of her kids, or anybody else. This girl is pretty, smart, and all those other things that attract you to people, but she always crapping about, saying things like, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I wish I had this. Even when she ask for my opinion, if its negative, I have to be careful with my words, so as not to "be her mother".
     
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