Black Relationships : Just Hear Me Out

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Ledda, May 9, 2006.

  1. Ledda

    Ledda Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2005
    Messages:
    200
    Likes Received:
    4
    Ratings:
    +4
    Haven't been on in awhile but wanted to talk to my people. Hear me out. I'm not trying to start another IR thread but theres been something I've been struggling with for the last several weeks. I have a very close girlfriend who's been living with a guy for 2 1/2 yrs. or more. She's been a mother to his daughter (now 9 yrs. old), and although he owns his own house has shouldered most of the financial responsibility of the household because she makes more money. She even paid for him to go to vocational school to get a better job. She's been hoping to marry this man (he did ask & bought a ring) but he's been emotionally as well as physically abusive and has cheated on her several times. Now this info I've just given isn't the point because she's left him and moved into her own place now. He's done some major damage to her self-esteem by belittling (sp?) her and comparing her to white women. He's a 40 yr. old man and she's the first black woman he's really been with. He's had two previous marriages to white women and his child is bi-racial. while he was with my friend he cheated on her with white women. Once he made a remark about her staying in the sun too long and not getting darker than she is. This is a woman who has had several men of all races ask her out(and refuses to date white men) and it seems like she should know she can do better. Everytime we talk or see an IR couple she asks, "What do they(meaning black men) see in them?(meaning white women) My response to this has been, "You don't want that kind of a man anyway." Meaning you don't want the kind of man who adores a white woman. Whether you feel it's right or wrong it's a waste of your time to try and change his mind if you're looking to be in a committed relationship. She's beautiful and needs to find a man who appreciates this. Only where we live we-black women-seem to be unpopular with the majority of the black men in our community. What's even more disturbing also is that where I live I'm noticing more and more black women with white men and making the statement, "Black men aren't any good!" I'm also guilty of saying this and to all my brothers out there, no matter what you preference, I apologize. My 8 yr. old daughter was playing with a little boy, he was white, the other day and I realized that she doesn't play with black boys. They are always white. My husband asked her about this and she replied, "Mama said that black men ain't no good." I was taken aback not realizing that I had influenced this. This is no excuse but it was something I said out of resentment towards many black men and their positive attitudes toward white women and lack of respect for black women. My husband then made a good point. Once a few years ago my nephew at tha age of 5 told me, his mama, and grandma that he wanted a white woman because black women were too dark. This angered me cause he's very dark and I wondered if he had an issue with himself at such a young age. Since then I've stressed to him about loving himself and his dark skin because he's beautiful and that white skin is in no way better than he is. I've told him that white women are not more beautiful or better than black women. I have pointed out the love that is given to him by myself, his mama, grandmother, and female cousins and the love he returns to us. Now here is what my husband told me. He said that here I was trying to stress to my nephew that he should choose black women but influencing my daughter, no matter how unintentional, to choose white men. With that attitude what if when my nephew does grow up his choices are slim because black women no longer want black men? So again black men I am sorry. I also want to stress that this thread isn't against IR relationships. I have a male friend I've known since we were six who dates white women but has love for our black people. I'm seeing more and more how our men and women are separating and how strong black families are becoming fading away. I'm sorry for my part in this. I'm that although I married a black man, have always dated black men, & have never desired to be with a white man I haven't always completely belived in my black men. I've always given the thumbs up to sistas with white men and while molding my nephew I was sending the wrong message to my own daughters. Again, brothers, I'm sorry.
     
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2004
    Messages:
    31,993
    Likes Received:
    11,478
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    retired computer geek
    Location:
    north philly ghetto
    Ratings:
    +13,732
    FWIW

    i have found that as i learned more i stopped having ambivilance about white people and began to see them in a clearer light.
    maybe if you got deeper into the history of your own black people it would help you?
     
  3. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2001
    Messages:
    6,375
    Likes Received:
    1,430
    Gender:
    Female
    Ratings:
    +1,862
    Hello Ledda and welcome home. It appears that you've been on quite a journey and a worthwhile one at that. It's wonderful that you are able to look within yourself to sort through the maze of contradictions and confusion. The struggle is not an easy one and it never seems to end. But you and your husband sound like you are on the right path. Stick with it and pray that others like you do the same. We need to tend our gardens when they are young, so that we can grow a bounty of beautiful flowers that will flourish again.
     
  4. Isaiah

    Isaiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2004
    Messages:
    3,210
    Likes Received:
    62
    Ratings:
    +62

    Sister Ledda, happy to see you back, and thanks a million for this very profound message... This example you gave of your own life, actually, mirrors what happens - and has happened for decades - in our communities. It is the very subliminal messages we send to our children that keeps White Supremacy In The Black, so to speak... It keeps White Supremacy alive, and afloat, and it will take this kind of consciousness and honesty you've displayed to destroy the seed planted in us all so long ago... The beauty of you message, sister, is that it opens us up to the reality that your story is only one of MILLIONS over the years... It's not just about you, so I hope none of us goes to preachin' about you, and forgets OURSELVES... Thanks again!


    Peace!
    Isaiah
     
  5. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

    Country:
    United States
    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2001
    Messages:
    34,781
    Likes Received:
    8,982
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    betwixt and between
    Ratings:
    +9,680
    Sister Ledda ... welcome home, you came back at the perfect time!

    Tonight we will have a guest speaker in our voice video chat, and he's written on this very controversial topic. Below is an excerpt from his web site, regarding this specific topic, and i'm sure he'll be speaking on it.

    Do join us if you can, it begins @ 9 pm ET ... www.destee.com/chat

    BROTHER MWALIMU BARUTI

    EXCUSES, EXCUSES: The Politics of Interracial Coupling in European Culture

    Many believe racial amalgamation is the final step into racial equality. The free and open mating and mixing of Afrikans and Europeans is supposed to eventually create a social environment where the idea of race itself becomes meaningless. But why is this believed? What are the bases of this assumption?

    This book attempts to address this belief by exploring ten of the most popular excuses Afrikan males give for pursuing relationships with European females. They include everything from “I just fell in love” to the aggression of Afrikan women to revenge against European men. It is the intent of the author to expose them for what they are, rationales to conceal and justify mentacide.

    In that many individuals use the same excuses, the coupling of Afrikans and Europeans is more than a personal choice. It is a social phenomenon which should be explained through an analysis of European cultural imperatives. And this book does just that. As taken from the second chapter...

    “Love may be where you find it but culture determines where you look. Nothing social, that is having to do with the interaction between two or more people, exists or is interpretable outside of a cultural context. Lest we forget, European culture is notorious for manipulating people’s choices in such a way that it looks as if by free will they are independently determined to destroy themselves.”

    If you're not familiar with this Brother, come on in and listen to him!

    www.destee.com/chat

    :heart:

    Destee
     
Loading...