Black Relationships : Joint, Separate, or Special

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by ZeroGravity, Jun 25, 2004.

  1. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Brothers (and Ladies too :) ... This question has probably been asked before, but the archives are so huge, it might be hard to find, so I ask:

    Threads like "Who should pay for the date?" and other issues among couples leads me to the question "For married, committed, live-together couples, how do you handle the household finances?"

    Do you share joint accounts? Keep separate account? Setup special accounts? or do creative-accounting?

    Some people swears that married couples should have joint account and that everything goes into one account. Others say "no-way" and feel each person should have their own account with perhaps a "household" account for paying bills etc. And then there's the creative approach where each person is responsible for a particular obligation or thing.

    So what are your thoughts on finances in a household?
     
  2. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Hey there ZG, good question!

    First of all I think when two people are together in a committed relationship, resources should be pooled together for the betterment of the family as a whole. There should be a level of trust involved between the too where neither feels the need to protect themselves from each other in the event the relationship went sour.

    By that I mean there should be a joint account in which both parties deposit money to support joint expenses and financial planning for their future. For me personally, I also would like it if we had our own separate spending accounts (allowances if you will), where we could have access to money to spend as we see fit without jeopardizing money needed to support our monthly expenses, and that would include joint savings and investments.

    To me it would feel like living a contradiction if I was with someone emotionally and spiritually and didn't trust them enough to share my life with him completely and that would include money.

    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  3. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Greetings Queen, I was just curious as to how the family felt about family finances. This little matter can be easily overlooked when couples are asking the questions to guage compatability to each other. I think some of that is assumed or often times we feel that becoming one means "joint" accounts, whereas I'm finding that today, more and more people are looking for other options in this matter...money or family finances has been listed as one of the issues or reasons couples are filing for divorce these days so I would think that it should be one of the things we find out about our mates before we say "I do". ..Just an opinion.

    I feel you on the trust factor, but trust almost seems like it has a new meaning in today's society. :laugh:
     
  4. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    restoring original post.

    I don't know...maybe I'm just "old fashioned" or highly philosophical when it comes to certain things. So many things are being superficialized these days. Some people are only interested in the "feel good" aspects of life and don't believe in spending a lot of time growing and learning together over time. Impulsive and compulsive behavior seems to be the norm these days.

    Back when life was different and people became mates much younger than what is legal today, maybe they had a better sense of time and didn't feel the need to "rush into" relationships like people often do today. I have no idea if there's any validity to this statement but what's going on in modern society sure seems to have many of us confused and wondering.

    I can understand why people today might be skeptical and resistant to SHARING their assets with each other but that seems to be a reaction to possibly poor decision-making and has absolutely nothing to do with the sacred construct of a committed relationship. So the need to have separate accounts is only another symptom of a bigger problem and that is that people aren't spending enough time getting to know each other first before they start playing house.

    When did money become more valuable and sacred than one's body? Why is it okay to share bodily fluids and not your assets? Isn't this what people are saying if they promote a division of money/assets in a marriage? If you feel the need to wait to get to know a person first before you create joint accounts, then don't say "I do" first.
     
  5. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This was before the days where "everyone" cheated on their spouse, and most children were born out of wedlock. This was also before the days where 60% of marriages end in divorce, and pre-nups. You might be old-fashioned in your views NN Queen, but it isn't because of your age, because I feel the same way you do.
     
  6. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Amen

    Salute! :toast: ... I'll drink to that :coffee:
     
  7. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree that people do need to get to know eachother to a point where this isn't an issue....if there is such a point. :shades: I think nowadays....you might as well play it safe and have seperate accounts. I know people will say, "if you need seperate accounts, you shouldn't be married", but you never know a person. You only know as much about them as they let you know. I think there should be an account for the household and to take care of whatever bills may arise that you accumulate together. I don't think I would ever put all my money in the same acoount as any woman that I was dating. We have different things that we will spend our money on and there would more than likely be an issue concerning purchases, amount of money being spent and saved etc. I don't think there is anything wrong with having seperate accounts to use for personal purchases. I don't spend alot of money, and when I do spend money it's on little things here and there. Some women that I've met have to buy something no matter where they go, so I don't think it would work for me. My mom always told me "make sure you keep a little on the side in case something happens. You never know people like you think you do". As long as he household is taken care of and you help eachother out and have eachothers back when something comes up.....what else matters? I think if you're stressing about putting your money together....there is a reason for it.
     
  8. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    True dat'...polling couples in my little circle, I'm finding that separate accounts is more of the norm than joint accounts. I'm also finding a tug-of-war going on between "trust" and "risk" in relationships and even marriages these days. I'm wondering, is there a thin line between trust and risk? Are then different entirely?, or are they one in the same with the difference being in the way we perceive them?
     
  9. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    Okay I see this topic is starting to heat up and it just might take a different turn than what ZG originally intended but here goes, let's see if we can make it all relevant.

    Brother Kente, let's look at what you wrote--a simple approach to a far more complex issue:

    Words have powerful meanings and "play it safe" is very telling. Committed and serious relationships should not be a game that you play. If you go through life always playing it safe with your partner, then you may never have the opportunity to truly explore the depths of it nor experience it to its fullest potential. Being "safe" are for people who are afraid to make a mistake. Mistakes are going to happen in life and we might as well accept that. It's the nature of things. But do you really want to play it safe with someone you say you love, and deny them and you the best of that love?

    IMO...IF this is in fact the way most people are thinking today, then I say, why are we throwing the baby out with the bath water? Stop--take a couple of steps backward and rethink what marriages and relationships should be about in their truest sense. Is this what you want? Then why are you expecting to have that?

    If the nature of people and how they think about relationships is broken, then fix that, don't react to it by settling for less and getting involved anyway. To me THAT is the greatest RISK. If you have low expectations, then you'll get what you expect. True, there are no guarantees of anything whenever man has control over it, but there's a saying too, if you want something badly enough, you'll find a way to get it.

    Brother ZG, you wrote:

    Then I would suggest that if you learn ANYTHING from the poll you took, it should be NOT TO FOLLOW IN THEIR FOOTSTEPS! Because that's what is happening to them only makes it a "norm" for people LIKE them. It doesn't mean that this is THE way things have to be or SHOULD be. We each have the right to determine that for ourselves.

    You also wrote ZG:

    IMO, trust is a value and risk is an activity. People earn the right to be trusted, you take a risk when you do. Why would anyone WANT to be involved in a "love" relationship when there is no trust? To me that's a stupid risk where the outcome is predetermined. The only type of risk I want to take voluntarily is to expect something good and receive better.

    Peace,
    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  10. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think it's all relevant Queen

    Queen, you tied it in quite nicely. I think we're seeing more couples deciding to maintain separate accounts is because of the "trust" factor we're having in relationships. I have no arguments with you on your stance on trust and committed relationships, I agree wholeheartedly and echo the same sentiments, but I'm seeing a different picture when finances is subject matter...there seem to be a widening practice of moving from "joint" account to each person having their own separate account....and I think it is centered on the "trust" factor more than what one might want to admit.

    You made the statement and asked the question "People earn the right to be trusted, you take a risk when you do. Why would anyone WANT to be involved in a "love" relationship when there is no trust?"

    Wouldn't "earning the right to be trusted" apply in financial situations as well? Also, must "trust" be absolute in every aspect of a relationship for someone to want to be involved in a "love" relationship. I guess the question I'm asking is "can you be in love and have reservations about your partner in a certain area, or is it ALL the way or no way?" I know the important of trusting someone, but should it encompass ALL aspect of the relationship? Am I making sense? Am I constructing my question in a manner that one can understand what I'm asking?

    I didn't learn anything from the poll, it was not solicited as a learning experience, it was simply to see how different couples handle family finances. I was surprised a little to see so many married couples having separate accounts, so I wanted to expand my "circle" so to speak and ask the family what they thought to get a broader view of what people think about family finances. We live in a world now where things of yesteryear seems to remain there more and more.

    Thanks for expanding this discussion to a broader scope. I think it's all very relevant.
     
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