Poetry Critiques : Is My Mind Twisted?

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Jaisolovely, Nov 24, 2007.

  1. Jaisolovely

    Jaisolovely Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Written: Nov. 11,07
    By: Yours truly :)


    I worry alot about you

    Because some times I get insecure

    Inside I scream for your attention but try not to show you to not seem needy,

    If I let loose I will lose my mind and now Im stiff,

    I change my hair to attract you but you pay me no mind,

    I isolate myself to stay out of trouble but instead miss out on life,

    confused, about life, yes only because Im young and learning, I wonder if my superman will ever come, but he is the least of my worries

    Wonder what I have to offer when all you see is my figure, but never are curious about my mind,

    Im attracted to her but wonder if I would be wasting my time, now her sexuality is in question,

    Passionate about this but constantly have to travel over hurdles and put up with that,

    Lost the will to be young but focused on her books and not letting her pants zipper come undone,

    the madness, the lies, the hate, then she cries, loss with out words, yet

    unspoken let the truth be heard, its her gift, her token,

    Again negative slander slaps her against her face yet she is not broken,

    every day is a struggle so she hides behind her pride, when she snaps at you, you better dive,

    reaching out but no one will listen, she hides behind smile,

    this world is so artificial is there any one real? Thoughts are deep but

    sometimes loses its course, I ponder on if my mind is twisted?
     
  2. Jaisolovely

    Jaisolovely Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Guys... critique me lol
     
  3. watzinaname

    watzinaname Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    What I got from this piece, was that "you" are trying to walk the straight and narrow, and do what is right, but you have uncertainties. And being unsure causes an even deeper look inside, causing you to question self. We all have wondered if we were giving the right impression to Mr. or Ms. Right.
    The double negative here, "Inside I scream for your attention but try not to show you to not seem needy", made me wonder if the use of the word "not" twice was intentional. But in a piece where one's thoughts are being questioned, it works. I liked the way you switched from first to third person, showing the different layers of thoughts running through your mind.
    I felt your free flowing verse had a very fluid feel. Good job.
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    str8 forward ....this piece was well done , you might want to post it in a few stanza to bring it out but again it also bring flair and depth great job.
     
  5. PLATINUMILLITY1

    PLATINUMILLITY1 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I would just like to comment... If I can offer a critique for you ..I will try..lol
    I really liked this...
    And you spoke about things that a lot of us deal with...Especially us females

    So if if you would like an answer to your Question.....NO, you are not....It is the world's hold on us that can make US feel deranged or out of position...That is not the case at all Sis...I had to read pieces of it to get it but now I understand better than the first time........Great Piece Jaiso!
     
  6. Jaisolovely

    Jaisolovely Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks

    Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate every one's opinion.
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    likewise we love what you do and bring for our voices on it....
     
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