Black Relationships : is marraige overrated?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by daroc, Aug 11, 2004.

  1. daroc

    daroc Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    wats ya'll thots... do yall think marraige is overrated...
    y does one have to be married to feel like their is committment?
    even tho if u live wit someoen for bout 7 yrs.. u technically married...
    seems like sometimes the word marriage always seems to make a relation ship flip...
    wat comes to mind when u think marraige... for me.. i dotn liek that owrd... cuz there no tru meaning for it... it doesnt upholld was it should and when it doe sits overlooked... id rather be in a beautiful long lasting relationship then a half *** marraige thats wasting my love and energy ... cuz i can get that out of a normal relationship... so y do we marry?
     
  2. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree daroc. I think marriage is overrated because it's all about show. Some people will argue that you benefit more from marriage as far as taxes, benefits and so forth. Which I can understand. That's nothing but a business arrangment. As far as doing it to validate your relationship.....that's rediculous. If you need a piece of paper :deal: to do that then you're not in love anyways. Some people want to marry because it's financially beneficial. Some want to because they hear the clock ticking and they are not getting any younger. Some get knocked up and marry for the sake of the child. Some do it for religious reasons, then when the marriage starts to suck, they hesitate to divorce for religious reasons. Some people just do it to show their friends that they can get someone to marry them. I know alot of married couples that are now divoced after working and working to keep the marriage alive for 15 years, 10 years and one 20 years. Then there are people that are still married that seemingly can't stand eachother. I'm with you, I'd rather be with someone that I love. Then if it goes sour, there's no papers to sign. Just pack you [email protected] and go. Doesnot mean I don't want a commitment, but I want her to be there because she wants to, not because we're "married".
     
  3. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I do not think marriage is overrated. I think most of us have grown up in an age where people marry just because someone ASKED them to. We have grown up in an age where people marry and divorce as if they are merely changing the type of car they're driving - trading it in for a newer model. Very few people who marry really put thought into building a strong foundation for something that is supposed to last a lifetime.

    I'm really glad that I haven't married yet. I've put a lot of thought into what I really do want and desire out of a marriage. I tried to come up with the criteria and a small list to build a foundation for marriage...allowing for the growth and change of two individuals. The list is as follows...

    Committment-if the relationship is not working out DON’T continue to make me feel as if things will work out, because it's important to go into a solid relationship not feeling as if I have to "change something about my mate LATER. I can't commit to someone who does things that annoy me BEFORE we are committed. I certainly would not want someone committing to me knowing they don't like me bowling, golfing, that I like sex DAILY, my occasionally drinking alcohol, or hanging out with my girls on occasion. I am me and therefore I am not changing unless I choose to. If I make a decsion to commit to someone I am also making a decision to commit to making that someone happy.

    Acceptance -Once I get to know someone, there WILL inevitably be things I just have to accept about my mate because no one but GOD is perfect. I will resolve to accept SOME things unconditionally....this I know.

    Respect-I feel my future mate should respect me both in private and more importantly in public. Vice Versa of course.

    Friendship and Quality Time - I don't care how long we know one another...this is an area that has to be continually nurtured. We have to make PRIVATE time for just the two of us, and that means no friends, family - not even kids. Married or not we need to still date and court one another. With that said, we both should understand that we can't smother one another, I know I still have to have my ME time alone. If my husband is my friend, I should be able to discuss any and everything with him. He should be my primary confidant and vice versa. Neither of us should have to get an opinion from our friends about things that are going on in our marriage/relationship.

    Pre-Marital Counseling - enough said. I will not marry anyone without it. It's the last chance to put things on the table that have not been thoroughly or previously discussed. This should be the time where you are totally honest about what you DON'T think you could live with in regards to your mate. They may not know that you don't like how they make the bed, or that you have to remind them to take the garbage out, or that you need help doing things that seem relatively easy to do. I would assume that I am not marrying GOD, my future husband can't read my mind.

    Responsibility- well, this is a tough one for me. This is where I get hung up. I judge this pretty hard when I'm dating someone. If I don't see a man as being responsible in paying his bills, maintaining his own place, taking care of any children he may have, getting along with his ex, and not using or living off of people...then he is CANCELLED. I need to know that he is responsible for HIMSELF and for anything that relies on him taking care of business.

    Submission - It's important to me that I'm with a man I can submit to. (except for those times I'm feeling a little dominant in the sexual arena). But mainly I'm speaking about submitting to not getting your way all the time. My future husband should be aware that I have been taking care of myself for 19 years, I have my own opinions, but I respectfully submit to his viewpoints, ways, but I expect to talked to like an intelligent woman. I also want to feel as if I can rely on him making sound decisions for our union and well being.

    These are just a few things that I feel will work for me and my mate. (I won't know it all until that time comes and we talk) Communicating needs, wants desires and understanding one another long before we head down the aisle. I don't want to talk about all those important things AFTERWARDS when I may find out I don't like his mindset.

    I think there is still a lot of potential for a great marriage.
     
  4. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Marriage is pretty cool, when folks share the same vision and talk to each other.
     
  5. daroc

    daroc Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanks CarrieMonet for hitting me wit that angle ... i guess if u lay down the law.. when its broken.. got to prosecute... and not let somin slide jus cuz....

    if its good its good...
    but is marraige needed?
    should it be?
     
  6. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    CarrieMonet this is brilliant, I couldn't have said it any better myself. Many look at the 50-60% divorce rate as proof that marriage doesn't work. I instead look at that as 50-60% of people marry for the wrong reasons (and focus on the 40% that don't divorce). I do realize that we are living in an era of failed marriages, and broken households. Many people view marriage based on the household they were raised in (if their parents divorced or never married, then they are more likely to devalue marriage). Personally I've had a good reference for marriage as my parents have been happily marriage for the past 35 years (and continuing). As a result I never looked at marriage as something unneccessary or something to be avoided. The decision to marry is a personal choice, it certainly should not be forced on anyone, and it isn't for everyone. However, by no means it is an over-rated institution. There is nothing more beautiful than marriage, if one chooses wisely. :luv:
     
  7. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Yes, marriage is a word, as well as Seriously, how, insecure, as, a, society, do, we, have, to, be, when, we, can't, just, be, happy, living, with, those, we, love, without, a , stupid, ring, piece, of, paper, saying, you're, married. They all are just words, but when you put those words together, you form a sentence, you are conveying something that's more meaningful than each word conveys by itself. A sentence is just a word also. You can create a sentence out of words that can produce a beautiful expression, as well as create a sentence out of words that can produce a hostile expression, it all depends on the words you choose, but it's still a sentence. You can do the same with marriage (it's just a word, but it can convey something that's more meaninful) depending on the elements you choose to create it.

    Is marriage overrated? Personally I don't think so. It's a choice some people make in their lives just as every other choice people make in their lives.

    Daroc, you mentioned "id rather be in a beautiful long lasting relationship then a half *** marraige thats wasting my love and energy" ... a beautiful long lasting relationship is just as hard (or easy :) to cultivate as a beautiful long lasting marriage, they both requires the same things. Your belief system will determine if that relationship will evolve into marriage or remains as is.
     
  8. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I think that marriages can be successful. Some of course, depending on who you choose. There are instances where people have a beautiful relationship but it's still not enough. One or both of the partners need that validation for their relationship, so they get married as if that's the stamp of approval. Also, people tend to look down on people who never marry or who live together without getting married. I think it's more about the image. I have heard about people that had a beautiful relationship and messed it up because they decided to put a label on it called "marriage". There definately are ones that are not meant to be married, but still can't stand not being married...even if it will inevitably end in divorce. But they still try because they feel as if they will not be complete without it. Why? I definately commend people who are married and stay "happily" married, but I haven't met any. Either they are unhappy, divorced or too set in their ways to ever leave. I don't know ANY happily married people. Even some of the older folks I know admit that they would not get married if they could do it all over....but it's too late now. I'm also speaking of people that have been married more that 7 years....not newly married people who are still on the honeymoon or still getting use to being married.
     
  9. Vincy Ital

    Vincy Ital Active Member MEMBER

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    MARRIAGE, ESPECIALLY HERE IN AMERICA....IS SEVERELY UNDERRATED!!!!! POINT BLANK!
     
  10. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    You know what, I still feel even in that instance...where two people have been together(but unmarried) for a long time, often times the reason the "marriage part" didn't work is because of communication issues.

    Many times when people are in a relationship they let things slide. They allow their partner to do things they don't like because they feel they are "not that serious". But the second they get married they decide to finally voice their dislike of those same things - things they've been ignoring for years....yet it's too late. That is why I take a RELATIONSHIP seriously...because if it does lead to a marriage we will already be on the right path, understanding one another and totally relating to what we need to grow together. You can't wait until you say "I DO" to lay things on the table.
     
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