Black Relationships : Is love over-rated?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by NNQueen, Jan 7, 2004.

  1. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    In Voice Chat the other night we had a 'hot' debate going on for hours about a variety of topics, among them was the advantages of adopting the African tradition of arranged marriages, and disadvantages of focusing on dating and falling in love before getting married.

    In favor of arranged marriages, one person believes it helps to build more productive and longer lasting relationships because the focus is more on things like economics, selective genetics, and strengthening the community, and not on love.

    Some disagreed with this because they felt that, in spite of the high divorce rate, it was better to love the person you marry first because two people have to feel that close connection for the marriage to get off to a good start.

    Do Blacks spend too much time focusing on casual dating, and falling in love and not enough time thinking about how marrying someone will benefit your family, the community and the future children born of that marriage?

    Do you see any advantages to "arranged" marriages for Blacks and any benefits of such a tradition?

    Why is loving someone first so important to a marriage--or is it?
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    Love is never over rated
    arranged marriages is beautiful but must love to reach this stage
    of arrangment , it is a very strong thing when love is from heart
    i would say no it helps plan out the marriage but to be more productive i feel to fall in love to know your mate and build that trust and bond is where real productive living as a couple a husband & wife
    in order to build and strenghten the community you must first
    know how to love to be helpful so again love play a major role
    when it come to children love also steps in big because the growth of children is from within the home of the parent/s who bond with love teach love and they feel love to love another
    this why love is important to have a happy long marriage it can
    be a benefit to blacks who stand for the traditional way to unite
    but love will fine a way again it's like unity of bondmentship to any
    couple who join handz in marriage
    when so many break up, split , Devoice it's all from the lack of love or loving one's mate fully or being devoted even the play of
    what one wish to be as what they call a cheat but love is the solo
    reason that two be joined together u can't arrange a marriage from looking at a person you have to love them
    LOVE WILL NEVER BE CAST AS OVER RATED .....
    it the person / mate or lover who take it where they wish it to be
    Marriage play out like this
    you meet a mate
    feelings flair a bond is born
    from the feelings come emotions
    and love begin where two heart feeling the same
    as it's building a trust become to play once
    their soulmates can make arranged marriage
    but it was love that made it happen
    peace.....................
     
  3. angelicsage

    angelicsage Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    When dealing with matters of the heart...
    I don't think relationships should be handled
    like business deals...I feel that the same initiatives
    of family can be achieved with a balance of
    love and compatibility....without love is the
    relationship "truly" successful...
    I think not...there has to be balance...
    most importantly..."love"...
    (never over-rated but great question)
     
  4. j'hiah

    j'hiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    love is underrated if anything.
     
  5. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    In a marital situation, is what we call "love" nothing more than sexual attraction, respect and admiration?

    Why is it that love is necessary for a marriage to "work"? What does love do for the couple that respect and willingness to work together toward a common goal wouldn't?

    Why is "loving" rated higher than simply "liking" and respecting a person?

    Maybe relationships shouldn't be handled quite the same as a business venture, but when did "love" become a required prelude to marriage or a committed relationship? Was it always this way?

    If the "ingredients" for a successful marriage were to total 100%, what would these ingredients be and what percentage would each represent to add up to 100%? Would "love" be #1 and if so, what percentage should love represent in a marriage?
     
  6. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Queen, I'm of the belief that the "ingredients" for a successful marriage varies and it depends on the parties involved. My ingredients might not be the same for you but to each of us, they are important. I'm also of the belief that each of the ingredients cannot be a percentage of the whole, they each must be 100% in and of itself. So if "love" is an ingredient then, it must be "of" and "given" 100%, if "respect" is an ingredient, then it must be 100% also...communication, honor, truth, faith, etc. they all require 100%. Love would be high on my list. My thing is you can "respect" someone without loving them, but you can't "love" someone without respecting them, therefore those two "ingredients" share the top spot with me.

    Interesting thread :)
     
  7. HerukhuMaat

    HerukhuMaat Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    ZeroGrav,

    Very thoughtfully put. There's this book that's a must read called "The Spirit of Intimacy" by Sobunfu Some. She is the wife of Malidoma Patrice Some, a writer and shaman from the Dagara people of Burkina Faso. She mentions that in her culture, the marriages are arranged and the two individuals don't even have to be physically present to get married. She also explains that if you base your relationship solely on love and start at the top of the mountain, the only way to go is down. However, in an arranged marriage you may start out with love not being at the top but grow into it.

    I personally think that arranged marriages are not that bad. It's kind of like a hook up with accountability. The parents of the two people getting married are responsible and accountable for the success of their children. The children are also accountable to the parents. Any problems encountered within the relationship are handled diplomatically by the family. Many people here in modern society may disagree, however when you look at the high divorce rate and, single motherhood you start to seriously question our modern social and mating processes.

    If we want the best for our children and future genearations educationally, then why not want the best for them socially. If you want to truly know a person, then just look at their friends or the people they socialize with. Whatever happened to marrying the girl next door? At least everyone in the neighborhood knew who she and her parents were.
     
  8. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    What is it about love that is under-rated (j'hiah)?

    ZG, you've offered an interesting perspective and I can see your point about the percentage breakdown but I guess I still don't see anywhere in your response a reason why "love" is a necessary emotion to have in order to get married. What does love do that the other qualities you mentioned, i.e., respect, honor, truth, etc., doesn't or can't do?

    HerukhuMaat, the information you shared is very interesting and adds depth to this discussion. Thank you.

    In modern society, why do some people want to be "in love" before they get married to the person they are "in love" with? What does love do for a marriage that people "in respect" won't or can't do?
     
  9. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Love has been fantasized from birth as the ultimate emotion. It's the one word out of thousands that put us in an euphora that no other word can. One can say that it's because of conditioning, brain-washing or whatever, but imho, since we enter marriage hoping that it will last a lifetime, we want the euphoria we feel about love to be a lifelong feeling as well.

    If your significant other come to you and say "Honey, I respect you" or "Honey, I trust you" or "Honey, I honor you" none of those adjectives can make you feel as good as if they come to you and say "Honey, I love you". Because LOVE suppose to encompass all of those things. Saying you "love" someone, imho, suppose to infer the trust, honor, and respect etc. (That's probably where I go wrong sometimes lol). We've been so conditioned to want to hear the word love, if you're in a relationship and you "don't" hear your partner say those words, even if the person exhibit all the other characteristics (respect, trust, honor, etc), we become suspect as to their true feeling about us in spite of it all.

    I just believe that love is just one of those "emotions" that we feel must exist before saying "I do". It doesn't stand alone, it can't, just like those other emotions. You wouldn't marry someone solely because you "trust" them, nor solely because you "respect" them. More often than not it's a combination of many things and love just happens to be among one of the things that is considered when deciding.

    Hope I made a glimmer of sense ;)
     
  10. ZeroGravity

    ZeroGravity Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    lol, I grew up thinking that I would marry the girl next door. Now if my parents had arranged that one....no problem! :D

    I think the optimum word in the discussion of arranged marriages is "culture". In America, I think free-spirit is too dominant in this society to entertain arranged marriages. imho.

    what do you think?
     
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