Black Relationships : Is It Really All About the Child?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Wisdom7, Aug 22, 2005.

  1. Wisdom7

    Wisdom7 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    My friend is going through a similiar situation and I've been through it enough not to even try it anymore, but I don't want to give her advice on hers because every relationship is different and even though she sees warning signs, she's in defense mode.

    When a man complains about his last ex and starts a new relationship, then keeps dealing with the ex, is it all about the child?

    I don't believe it is, because her male friend keeps saying how he loves his child so much and it is so painful for him to be without his child and he would do anything to see his child. I would think if its like that and the ex is such a monster, (from the way he tells it) why can't he get joint custody?

    Now she's found that the ex has stayed a couple of nights because of "maintenance" problems at her place and he wants his son to be safe blah blah blah. :explode:

    My friend who doesn't know the ex, really believes this lady is a monster and feels sorrow pangs for this man. I just listen to her, because I know she'll only learn through going through it. I don't want her to get hurt, so I tried at first to offer gentle advice and of course I had to get my past failure with a certain man thrown in my face (in a gentle way :bazooka: ) so I know I'd be stepping in the way of her lesson. She hasn't let go, but each couple of days its something and I know she's hurting.

    I'm asking sisters too, when they are dealing with the fathers and the relationship is technically done, is it about the child?
     
  2. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    i don't know where you live but is he the only male in town?
     
  3. Wisdom7

    Wisdom7 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Well, I can't tell her to move on, and honestly it's pretty common with the men that have kids.
     
  4. jamesfrmphilly

    jamesfrmphilly going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    so get a man who does not have kids.
    wht do women put up with SO much CRAP?
     
  5. Wisdom7

    Wisdom7 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    She's from the islands and she said she's never dealt with this. The man tells her he loves her and I'm sure she wants to believe it. I think its crap, but I guess this thread can end, because I really wasn't trying to get into a judging match. I just thought there might be men or women out there who are on the other side and get their feedback. Enough said.
     
  6. Wisdom7

    Wisdom7 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Also, based on your response, it's not my man!! I was trying to figure out a way to help her without going on just my own opinion thinking that its crap.
     
  7. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I believe that essentially brother James is right. When a man (or woman) has children, they will always have to have interaction with the other parent. This interaction means visiting them, seeing them, and talking to them (even with they are with you). This included broken dates, cancelled appointments, and diverted funds. It means that you are not the most (or the only) person in this man/woman's life. So to answer the question: Is it really all about the child? Yes many times it is! If some does not want to play 2nd place, or is they are jealous/suspicious of a person's relationship with their child's mother or father....it is best to look for someone without kids. Despite all the rumors and statistics, there are plenty of brothers without kids.
     
  8. Wisdom7

    Wisdom7 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Panafrica, but I think my question must be written wrong. My friend is not suspicious nor jealous and we both know how important the kids are. A man wouldn't be respectable if he wasn't taking care of his kids or showing respect to the mother. The problem that she is encountering, in which I see as well, is that he really still wants to have an intimate relationship with his child's mom and keeps saying he deals with her only because of his child.
    He has made the mother out to be a monster, but yet I don't think thats the case. I think my friend knows deep inside that he's trying to have two relationships, but she's trying to convince herself otherwise, because he keeps saying he loves her, and how important his son is to him. He has two other kids by someone else and I would think they would be equally as important. I have fallen for the "I can't stand my baby's mom and I just want to see my child" twice in my life and never again. You really do end up feeling like the woman is the worst person in the world and feeling this sadness for the man, and both times the men were lying. She's 44 and from the islands, and all this is new to her, so it's easy to say find a man without kids at her age.
    I just think if brothers still want to have an intimate relationship with the child's mother, then work it out and go for it, but don't use the child as an excuse, and don't bring someone else into their confusion.

    Peace and Love
     
  9. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    If she truly believes that this man is trying to carry on a relationship with his child's mother, then she should follow her instinct and look elsewhere. If he has two other kids, and doesn't seem to be as devoted to them, then that is indeed a red flag. Again your friend should go elsewhere and look for a man that is devoted to her.

    P.S. I doubt this behavior is abnormal in the Islands, men cheat everywhere.
     
  10. Wisdom7

    Wisdom7 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I agree 100%, I just don't know what to tell her. I already tried once. She seems determined one moment and says she knows what he is telling is a lie and he should tell her plain out (her words), then a couple days pass and she starts talking to him again and telling me how he really is hurting over his son and that "de girl is no good and she use de son to make him get back with her and he don't want her." I just think the man's a punk for just dogging his baby's mom like that knowing he wants to be with her, using his son as an excuse and lmisleading my friend. Oh well, I guess all I can do is just listen and hope she doesn't get hurt to bad. I don't know about Island men, either but I'm sure you're right.

    Thanks
     
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