Black Relationships : Is divorce the first option?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by kente417mojo, May 14, 2004.

  1. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    There are so many people now getting married just to divorce a few months or years later. It's becoming so common now, what's the use of marriage? Some religions look down on divorce and some accept it better. The same goes for individuals. I was wondering what you guys thought about divorce as a whole. There are lots of people divorcing over what seem to be petty problems instead of sticking it out and working through them. What are some acceptable reasons (in your opinions) for divorce, and when do you have to just stick it out and work on your relationship...without jumping ship?
     
  2. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'll be brief on this one...If you have only been married a few months/years, and you file for divorce, then you obviously married the wrong person. People get married for the wrong reasons: Money, fear of being lonely, etc. What are the right reasons? I can't say Kente..........that is really a personal choice. However if the marriage is over before it really began (a few months), those 2 people should not have crossed the alter in the 1st place.
     
  3. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hello Brother Kente417Mojo ... i like that Mojo thang ... :wink:

    Is divorce the first option? I think that depends on what the first violation is.

    Even then, we all weigh things differently, so what may be a great violation to me, may not even rank with you.

    How long do you remain in a situation that you're unhappy in? ... how much is your peace and joy worth? ... are there any guarantees? ... if i stayed married 20 years, then divorced, would the marriage be considered more successful ... than if i divorced after 1 year?

    I realize i'm answering your question, with more questions ... and that might be because i don't know the answer to your question ... lol ... :)

    Great Topic!

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  4. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thanks Pan and Destee. I know, it is a hard question. Just like most things, it's mostly an individual decision. I was wondering, because like to some people and some religions, it's looked at in a disgraceful way if a person gets a divorce for anything other than adultery. Some would say that's the only reason. Even if your mate gambled all the money, got hooked on crack and beat you, some would say try to work it out.
     
  5. NNQueen

    NNQueen going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    My two cents worth:

    No, divorce shouldn't be the first option but it certainly should be one of them if all else fails and the couple realize that they've awakened from a fairy tale and reality doesn't seem so appealing. Do you know where most States now require that a couple attend premarital counseling? Well, the State of Michigan is considering making it mandatory for couples to also participate in predivorce counseling as well. In my opinion, for whatever reason a couple wants to get a divorce, let them. What value does it serve to force people to stay together when they don't want to? What I think people should be doing before they get married has nothing to do with it. Not everyone is like me and I know this. There will always be those who choose to do what they want and how they want so let the State make money off of them each time they marry and divorce. Unfortunately, if children are involved, they usually pay a greater price, but there are some things we can control and some we can't. Those of us that work in the family care field will just have to work harder to protect the children in situations like this. It's a two-edged sword.

    My humble opinion....
    Queenie :spinstar:
     
  6. CarrieMonet

    CarrieMonet Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Another Observation...

    It seems to me that people who marry because they are in love and have taken the steps to build a strong foundation are more than likely able to work out problems without resorting to divorce.

    BUT I have noticed that there are a lot of folks who got married simply because someone ASKED them to...and because there was no foundation, they divorce at the first sign of problems. Some people get married because they feel obligated, and again they may not have been happy from day one.

    I think choosing to divorce depends on the reasons why you got married in the first place.

    Just another small opinion
     
  7. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Ahh.. divorce. In some places, this is a dirty word. Coming from someone whose parents have been together for 31 years, I think divorce should not be the first option. Counseling should be the first option in all cases. Or, at least, wait a few days for both parties to calm down and talk TO each other, not AT each other. I'm currently married. I've been married for a little over a year. We're having problems. Normal, everyday, marital problems. Yet, when we fight, the first thing that ever comes out of either or our motuhs is "divorce." This soceity has taught us that if you can't take the heat, RUN! Here is my humble opinion on a few issues:

    1. Adultery: While this may be a glaring neon sign for divorce for some people, one thing most of us fail to do is look at our part in it. Why did my spouse cheat? Was I paying my spouse attention? And if you cannot find the answer in yourself, ask the other person what in the world were they thinking....

    2. Domestic violence: I believe this should never be tolerated. But, ask yourself, have many times have you lashed out and smacked your children when you were angry? How many times have you gotten snippy with the cashier? Cursed at the waitress? Snapped at the bank teller? Everyone has bad days, everyone has a fuse, everyone has a temper.

    3. Drug use: Again, I don't like the idea of drugs. First, what drug is it? Alcohol? Weed? Crack? How do they act when they're high? Does the use of this drug lead to lies, thievery, abuse?

    4. Money: Financies are the number one cause of divorce. I read an essay not too long ago that said "Money is not the problem; it's a symptom." What can you do to fine tune your financies? Disconnect cable? Do your own hair? Wait on that fur coat/diamond ring/$10,000 spinning rims? What are you bringing to the table? Your spouse? Who spends the most money? On what?

    I offer these questions as a way to stop divorce from being the first option. Getting back to my own marriage, neither of us actually wants a divorce. What we both want is financial ease and emotional attention, among other things. Had we ran out and filed at the first sign of a problem, we never would have figured that out. Marriage is a learning process. And, yes, it takes work to make it work. Does the car drive itself. or do you actually have to do something to get it started? Isn't there maintenance involved? Let's think about that.........


    Toya
     
  8. kente417mojo

    kente417mojo Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    That was very good insight on this subject. I agree on most of what you said. I think it is a learning process and we have to be patient and understand that before taking those vows. Two things that I think should never be tolerated though are adultery and violence. Even if the person is neglecting you emotionally or physically, you have made vows to be faithful and loyal to your mate. That's the ultimate sign of disrespect in my opinion. Though I understand that alot of it comes from neglect, I don't see how cheating makes anything better. Plus, where does the trust go? What is marriage without trust. I could never trust someone that cheated on me. Violence also is the same. Why put up with the one that is suppose to love you, beating on you. I have been with women that felt it was ok to swing on me. Even then, I never swung back. Why? Not because I would never hit a woman. That has nothing to do with it. These were people that I cared about and if I inflicted physical pain on them by hitting them I would feel terrible. I'd rather walk because anyone that does that doesn't love me anyway. Drugs and money I think can be worked out, along with most other issues. I totally agree with the financial situation that you addressed. Sometimes we set ourselves up to struggle by being materialistic zombies. Letting the TV tell us what we need.
     
  9. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Like I said, I'm in a situation where things are not looking so good. And the big issue is money. All I can really say at this point is give it over to G-d. Blessed be the Creator, as His Spirit lives in us. We all have to make some hard decisions in life. The main thing to be corncerned with is How will this affect me/my kids/my other half in the long run? My sister has been married 3 times, each marriage shorter than the last. And of all of them, her first marriage, she admits, had she been a little bit older, a little bit wiser... it could have worked. My marriage? I can pray for the burden to be lifted, and work to do my part. And that's all.........
     
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