Black Relationships : Is divorce inevitable?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by toylin, May 21, 2004.

  1. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm a 24 year old wife and mother of one 7 moth old boy. We've been married for a little over a year. The problem is that he seems to be choosing his mother over me. Not to mention all the financial issues we've having (I had difficulty finding a job, so I enrolled in a technical program to train for a skill.. got 9 weeks left)... He said he doesn't think our marriage will last, and he also said he always felt that way.... That there's too much opposition. (His family are the only ones complaining, mainly, his mother). He said he'll wait until I finish school and get a job before making his final decision, but I can tell he really doesn't want to be here. I know he loves me, but he seems to love his mom more. Nothing wrong with loving your parents, but what about his wife and son? Also, I'm not sure I would want to try and make it work. Our whole relationship, it's been me against his mother. She claims that he's not a man, that I'm controlling him, but every decision that was made, he had final say so. But everytime she says jump, he asks How high?............

    I just need advice, words of encourgement, Bible verses, Qu'ran verses.. anything to help. Thanks.

    Toya
     
  2. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Oops.. this shoud be moved to Relationships... sorry, Sister Destee.....
     
  3. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Toylin:

    It isn't necessary for you to move this thread. In the relationship forum you'll get more responses from men (if that is what you want); however, men do come on the sister forum too, this post is proof of that. I don't think divorce is inevidable, but unforunately it takes the love & desire of 2 people to make a marriage last. It appears to me that your husband is afraid of responsibility. It takes a lot to provide for a wife & a child, especially when one person is paying all the bills. A lot of people believe they are ready for this type of responsibility, but when faced with the reality...it is more difficult than they imagined. This can be especially true for someone at a young age...24. If I may ask what type of a father is your husband? Did he tell you about another woman? Have you and his mother ever gotten along? I'm just trying to get a better picture of the situation in order to give you advice.
     
  4. caramelpython

    caramelpython Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    my opinion

    THis is a tough one to judge because of the bonds between man and wife and bonds between son and mother. One of the Ten Commandments is to Honor thy mother and father but in return that goes the same as a marriage.
    Bottom line is if you love him and he loves you the both of you can work this out "remember for better or for worse" was the pledge you made. I myself willwalk through hell and high water for my mother but I also will let it be known to her that My wife and children are the 1st priority in my life. People will always try to come between your bond with him it's your duty to never allow then to break that bond. He is just trying to please 2 women and the problem seems like to me that the 2 of you dont get along that well? No divorce is not inevitable, just rember what pulled you two together and hold on to what you believe in.
    "What God Has Put Together.... Let No Man Or Woman Tear Apart" :teach:
     
  5. MANASIAC

    MANASIAC Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    If he wants to divorce then I would go ahead and give him what he wants. If you two can get things back together again, you can always remarry.
     
  6. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I'm 24... he just turned 28. He tries to be a good father, but sometimes that selfish streak comes out, and he'll let my son cry instead of playing with him because he's on the phone, or he's too tired from working all day.

    No, he hasn't mentioned another woman, but I have my suspicions..... I've caught him in a few lies concerning his female friend.. They grew up together in church.. she recently got our number and started calling him.. everyday. He's lied about talking to her. And seeing her.

    His mother.. Whew! There's a special case. I don't think she's liked for since the day she met me. He says that she likes me, she just doesn't like some of the decisions that "we've" (meaning me) have made. She thinks our curent situation is my fault. I made him marry me, I got pregnant on purpose, I'm using him, I made him move to another city far away from home (in good traffic, we live 30-45 minutes away from his parents), I left my parents control our relationship (my parents have helped alot because we couldn't do it all by ousersleves, and his parents refused to do anything)... the list goes on. Basically, I'm this scheming, manipulative Jezebel who's out to ruin her son... that answer your question? We're civil.... She won't let me call her mom, or even by her name.. I'm supposed to call her Mrs. Collins. I AM Mrs. Collins. When I asked her what to call her, she replied, "Oh, the people at church call me Sister Collins....."
     
  7. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    That's just the thing: When I agreed with him, he told me that I was being negative and why was I changing and acting this way towards him? My mom had already made arrangements to pick me and my son up (she babysits for me) so I could go to school..... We thought he would be at work. He called in because he didn't feel good. When I told him that he didn't have to drop us off, we has like, "Oh, you can't ride in the same car with me anymore?" He wants me to fight him, and I don't have it in me anymore. I've always told him, if you're going to stay, stay. If you're goign to leave, leave. I do not have the patience to deal with this "maybe I will, maybe I won't" attitude........
     
  8. toylin

    toylin Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    We get along fine until those people (his mother, his so-called friends) tell him what I'm thinking and doing (and half of them have never met me)... They told him that he was stupid for marrying me, and one even told him that G-d said we're not meant to be together.
     
  9. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    This is a tough situation. It sounds like your husband harbors some resentment towards you....that your finacial struggles are all your fault. It also appears that his mother is feeding into these feelings. I can tell you as a married man that financial struggles are a part of marriage, especially at the beginning. There is no need for either of you to blame the other.

    Your husband's mother will always be his mother....so she will always be an influence on him. However your husband does have to decide whether he loves you & the baby enough to support you (mentally & financially). Unfortunately like I said before it takes two people to maintain a relationship. Your husband doesn't seem like he has made a choice to save your marriage.....hopefully he will, before it's too late.
     
  10. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    deeply felt and it seem like he pulling away cause of mom
    sound like she locking in his mind that he's not a man to handle a wife & child
    if he opt to be out theirs not much you can do but as long as he honor thy child
    as a father he maybe not sure of his vows once married his wife become first as to
    thy Mother here's where the break down come in surely he treasure his mom but he
    forgetting to honor thy wife & child as treasures too surely he's man enough to
    with hold his ground and it could be he can't handle you and his mom not seeing
    eye to eye which makes him fall to the family more so you know that you are a Queen
    and a mother do what's best for the child and peace to your mind seek inside him deeper and get what he really feel i wish you both togetherness and goodluck
    read LUKE 20 and PSALM 23
     
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