Poetry Critiques : Irrational, Illogical, Irresistible

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by SEPIATEA, Jan 29, 2005.

  1. SEPIATEA

    SEPIATEA New Member MEMBER

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    hello you
    irresistible
    but untouchable
    how can it be
    irresistible
    but untouchable
    is this good for me? no bad? or both
    do I know do I care
    do you know do you care
    i wonder
    am wondering
    what does he think.. how does he feel
    wanna ask. wanna know.. wanna show .but cant
    how dare I
    why do I
    irrational, illogical, irresistible

    you

    in my head
    wont go away
    wanna call.. wanna play
    how can i fix my lips to say
    shhhh
    dont
    hush your mouth
    close your eyes
    kissed my lips
    opened my eyes
    in my dream
    you gave in...
    irrational, illogical
    me
    irresistible

    you

    my mentor
    my friend..
    must end

    The Who, The What, The When, The Where
    The Whys
    The Wise
    The You
    tall
    handsome
    articulate
    intelligent
    understanding
    compassionate
    perceptive
    you wanna listen
    but never talk
    never say

    unspoken gestures
    leave my brain
    wondering..wandering
    if.when.where.how.why
    Wise..Why..You
    irrational, illogical, irresistible

    My Rationale
    make myself fix it
    how
    can i fix it
    do i want to
    i wanna know
    am i crazy?
    deranged?
    Jimmy Walker?

    mentor.. friend
    u can help
    no u make it worse
    U GOTTA GO
    'NUF SAID
     
  2. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    welcome to destee sepiatea...interesting name and first poem...i hope to see more poems from you in the future...now, let's get down to business...

    ok... in the first couple of lines you confused me....i'm thinking that you are talking about a person but in the forth line you say....

    how can it be

    i'm thinking that how can he be would fit better in that instance...the story that you weave in this poem is leaves the reader wondering what exactly is going on with this mystery person and youself...this is good, i enjoyed thinking...what type of situation is this with this mentor dude...lol
    now...the rhymes of the poetry were sometimes good and sometimes they off...here is an example of the latter...

    my mentor
    my friend..
    must end

    The Who, The What, The When, The Where


    you should switch the when with the where in this instance...it's rhymes better...also since Irrational, Illogical, Irresistible is your title...every time you say this combination of words, they should be together like that.

    other then that, this poem flowed very smoothly and was easy for the reader to read. maybe you can tell us how this mentor thing ended in your next poem ;)...let's get our growth on!

    one love
    khasm
     
  3. 1poetsought

    1poetsought Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    The positive tip

    I find that this poem equates to what for me, is a totally positive experience. The poet takes the reader on a wild adventure of sound reasoning, logically coming to the foregone poetic conclusion of the piece (or, is that "peace"...).

    nuff said ~ :bully:
     
  4. SEPIATEA

    SEPIATEA New Member MEMBER

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    Thank you both for taking the time to read.. I am going to Khasm, I am going to make the changes you suggested, because I wanted to perfect it. Althought the rhymes were off at times, I totally agree, but I couldn't figure another way to express the statements.
    You ask:
    what type of situation is this with this mentor dude...lol
    Harmless flirting grew into an actual relationship, which can never be taken to that next level because both are attached, and at this point to end the relationship means to end the friend & mentorship, which is hard b/c he is truly my friend first.
    I choose the name Sepiatea b/c Sepia is a beautiful hue of brown that has many tonal ranges, all of which are beautiful.. Just like black people. Tea is a warm relaxing drink as I.. am a warm and relaxing person to talk to ;)
    I'm glad yall can feel me. First of many more to come..

    Tee
     
  5. Monetary

    Monetary going above and beyond PREMIUM MEMBER

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    SepiaTea...

    Nice poem...enjoyed it.

    However, from this peace, I get a woman attracted to a man who is her mentor. This attraction only exists in her head. He doesn't know how she feels about him. So, the poem becomes her mentally grappling with the fact that she has feelings for her mentor, what these feelings mean, whether they are good or bad, and how to deal with them. It's all seen from her mind's eye...in her head. I can't tell if there exists a relationship between the two of them or not. Since it's not explicitly mentioned, I assume not. So, to me, she's dealing with her attraction to him in her mind.
     
  6. triniti424

    triniti424 Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    :)

    Hi sepia :) :wave: Love the name and its true...sepia does have a beautiful range of hues much like our people :)

    alrighty than... :read:

    I did enjoy the read, it gave of the feel of a stream of consiousness type write. Straight from your consiousness and onto paper.
    As I read it you came to form
    and it was like watching you watch yourself and this "mentor/friend"
    there was a sense of desperation and confusion amidst the lines
    though it wasnt quite defined for me it was there
    I could see you evaluating and pondering over your own situation
    and then...
    there was a feel of frustration and then the end. :read:

    now...

    I like the title it speaks to the centralized theme of your piece

    "no bad" kinda confused me...I wasnt sure if you were going for a "slang" type spin ie..."my bad" or something of that sort :read: and if you were you could incorporate that in the rest of the piece to show uniformity

    Then there are parts in the piece where you seem to be quietly reflecting and then thinking outloud, if you want you could use text changes....
    ie...

    "you

    in my head
    wont go away
    wanna call.. wanna play
    how can i fix my lips to say
    shhhh, dont
    hush your mouth
    close your eyes"

    but then again I am not sure that is what you are going for :read:

    But in due time poet i hope you find what you desire for "poetic perfection" :) :wave:
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    very nice and had depth this poem hits good
    nice job poet
     
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