Black Relationships : INTER CULTURAL

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Pascal, Jan 1, 2006.

  1. Pascal

    Pascal Member MEMBER

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    From Pascal

    I added this thread because there’s something that’s entered my life that I cannot let go. If I let it go, I will have failed. I highly believe so. Many times I want(ed) to.

    Some years ago I spent some 6 years in the Caribbean, Windward Islands, and in the second half of that time I became interested in a young woman. We knew each other already from the beginning I was there. Today I’m 39 of age and 14 years her senior. Right, some of you may think this is a let go issue however please read on. I have been her buddy over the internet starting about halfway her university years in another country. She always claimed the days were tough when everyone was gone during the holidays while she was stuck at an empty campus. She knew about my affection towards her.

    Years ago when we were at her home, she told me there was no way we could get involved and get to know each other through the means of the internet. She thought it a silly idea. At that time we lived next to each other and I was in the advertising business. However, she did initiate, to my utter surprise, the e-mail correspondence about halfway her studying career abroad, some 2½ years ago. At that time I was in another country.

    Today I’m in her country again, for a short while. There are up to this day communication problems about the simplest things :yesno: .

    She has a university degree and has a job career starting great. We are both intelligent persons however the situation at times becomes as if we’re both debilitated and incapable to talk as real friends. :confused: :hammer2: :confused: :insane: :eek: I say something while she understands something else and the other way around. We argue most of the time. I don’t understand her and she acts as if she has absolutely no connection nor can feel me. In this state I consider us far from being soul mates. The meaning of soul mate has totally different meanings according to where you find yourself on this planet, I’m telling you! It definetely appears so.

    I already made it clear to her that our distance and cultural differences, not to speak about economic boundaries, makes us too far apart. But I’ve always tried again as she revealed over the years I was a very dear friend and it would be a great loss if stopping correspondence. The correspondence is mainly superficial, the “hello, hope you’re doing fine” with some extra’s thing and it had a period of revealing also – I mostly to my opinion, and as a way to share and create a bound. I think she wouldnt agree on that neither. She’s introvert and I am not allowed to analyse. My solution oriented help gets absolutely NO FEEDBACK from her whatsoever. She already made clear to me that moving out of her home country is no option to her, sending her money is NO DESIRE AND NOT DONE and that she is the one that has to solve her own problems. I never did send.

    A couple of days ago I decided to stop communication. I was also trying too hard and too much according to her. Strange, after a couple of years in which we had close conversations I was accused of trying. I wondered if the trying-game ever was and even still is an issue between us. On the 5th day of no communication whatsoever I got her morning message ‘Hope you’re doing ok’ signed with hers since she must figured out I had eradicated her number out of my system, which was by the way true.

    When I’ll be in the other country again, I know the contact will just end since the economic barrier is just too high for her to keep pace with me, UNLESS she’d choose to access equally but I hardly belief so. And I hardly believe she realizes this. I don't feel in a distance relationship after miscommunications to this extend. It's very awkward.

    We are friends, not lovers, but I feel being used as a emo-buddy. Why does/did she need me? She has so many buddies in her own country with whom she has a much more stable and relax friendship vibe – you know – the Caribbean vibe. When I questioned her truthfulness she is mad at me. She says I plainly do not trust her. There are moments she would just say she was mad, that being the reason why she wouldn’t reply to my calls or mails. Some impulses that would shut her off. Then if I don’t mail for 5 days she’s wondering how I am doing. A small note of her I also remember is that I shouldn’t dig too deep (asking questions, getting to know). In short her behaviour is so erratic - IMHO - I feel I may fail if letting go when something more is at hand with her.

    Can anyone help me here how to understand the situation? :thinking:

    Anyone had same experiences with cultural differences?


    - Trying to keep it real here -
     
  2. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Brother Pascal ... Hello and Welcome ... :wave:

    I don't know a lot about cultural differences, so my opinion is simply based on a man and woman.

    When a woman behaves in the manner you've described above, she does not really want you.

    She may have kept you holding on, as you provided the comfort when it wasn't coming from those she hoped it would come from. When they were giving it to her, she didn't need you. Yeah, kinda using you emotionally.

    Since you say there can never really be anything between the two of you, and she continues to act weird, and you're obviously feeling her ... my opinion would be to cut your losses and move on.

    When someone wants you, whether to be a friend or lover, they provide evidence of that.

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  3. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    In my experience being married to a woman from a different culture (African and Spanish). Cultural differences are only a issue in a relationship when one or both people don't make an effort to learn, understand, appreciate, and respect their partner's culture. If that is done, any remaining issues are more than likely a manifestation of incompatibility.
     
  4. Pascal

    Pascal Member MEMBER

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    Hello Destee & panafrica, thanks for great help although I hoped life was different. I like the plain man/woman approach. I really hope there isn't peer pressure involved from her community and friends, maybe family. She made me understand early in our aquaintance that peer pressure was never an influence to her. I already knew she had a very own mind and that's one of the reasons I became fond of her.
    I've had my share in life of cutting losses. I'll be happy when my qualities in being an emo-buddy is recognized by a commiting person that wants the whole cake beyond the icing.

    Thx again.

    Cheers
     
  5. Pascal

    Pascal Member MEMBER

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    Today we have talked through and through and have come to a full understanding of the situation. I talk and write elaborate and with a lot of word dressing. The talking as speaking out loud of thoughts. For her the writing and talking is only functional - no elaboration or storytelling at all. I misinterpreted most of her writings as hints towards more interest. To avoid misunderstanding on the ages : 14 years her senior means when I was 34, she was 20 or when I'll be 45, she'll be 31. Of course, life at different stages. We stay friends. Life is a learning process and I don't feel ashamed of the age difference. I also happen to look average 8 years younger than my real age. She could have written a brother while she was studying but she chose to write me. I just happened to be more than just ... a white man. We were already over that. Equally the age difference. It has been pointed out that I should have mentioned our race difference prior to cultural differences. She's black, Afrocaribbean. I'm white, European. I underestimated the importance. Apologies.
     
  6. Tantrum

    Tantrum Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    interracial
     
  7. SAMURAI36

    SAMURAI36 Banned MEMBER

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    I figured as much, as I had begun to read this. Like our Brother Tantrum pointed out, this is Inter RACIAL, not Inter CULTURAL.

    There's no way I'm going to give a white dude advice on how to be with a Black woman. Especially considering the problems I'm having with this.

    Fuhgeddaboudit.
     
  8. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    He has long since moved on brother Sam (thankfully), and I addressed his deception across three pages in this thread:

    http://destee.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34162&page=2
     
  9. SAMURAI36

    SAMURAI36 Banned MEMBER

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    True indeed, I just recently read how you and our Brother sek tossed this Devil out on his ear a while back :getout: :garbage:

    Good lookin' out, for keeping our community clean and clear of gentrification. :lol:

    PEACE
     
  10. panafrica

    panafrica Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It's a dirty job (wind up smelling like wet dog), but someone has to do it!
     
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