Poetry Critiques : Inside

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Feather, Sep 30, 2011.

  1. Feather

    Feather Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    everything...
    inside
    undone
    an unopened gift
    unspoken​
    passions' whispers​
    sweetly subtle but clear​
    i hear
    beckoning unto my soul​
    like suspended chilling icicles​
    shivering​
    periodically
    dripping on me​
    giving me the chills
    wrapping my arms around myself​
    to get back to a warm place​
    saving face​
    careful not to let my body tell​
    though wishing it was his embrace​
    deeply longing to feel​
    the touch of​
    his stregnth and grace​
    and the cat has my tongue​
    terrified of letting​
    my feelings in truth leak...​
    afraid of what the answer may be​
    like the biggest secret​
    the universe ever concieved​
    does he see me I wonder​
    painfully​
    am I just another leaf blowing by​
    a beauty unnoticed​
    of autums trees​
    his laughter captivates me​
    filling me with joy to hear him happy​
    the deepness in his tone​
    stiking my sensuality​
    causing my mind to reherse​
    all my deires and wishes​
    for him​
    to conquer me​
    like the night takes the day​
    seducing its prey​
    more than what he can give or do for me​
    wanting him for just​
    be--ing​
    everything
    he is
    to me
    Will I have the courage to tell him everything​
    inside...​
    unspoken...​
    open​
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    enjoyed it love the flow of it how it's written and have me wondering
    what this peice would be like in stanzas great write
     
  3. Feather

    Feather Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    thanx :)
     
  4. CasaGriot

    CasaGriot Active Member MEMBER

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    Loved the repressive expression you have captured in the verse.
    My favorite line:
    inside
    undone
    an unopened gift
    unspoken
    passions' whispers
    sweetly subtle but clear
    i hear
    beckoning unto my soul
    like suspended chilling icicles.

    But I do believe that you could present this in a more powerful way - I sense that you can. Please take my suggestions below with a grain of salt.
    String your sentences together in a more complete way to avoid ambiguity - unless you're using it as a tool here. When lines are left hanging they can generate confusion as to meaning. For instance, should this line be: the deepness in his tone stiking my sensuality causing my mind to reherse all my deires and wishes (that is a possible interpretation),

    or should it be: the deepness in his tone stiking my sensuality causing my mind to reherse all my deires and wishes for him (another legitimate interpretation),

    or still yet: the deepness in his tone stiking my sensuality causing my mind to reherse all my deires and wishes for him to conquer me like the night takes the day. (Also another possible reading)

    Remember, the reader is not hearing or seeing the poem the way you are hearing and seeing it - it is your job as a writer to use effective sentence positioning to help them see what you see and hear what you hear. Again, I am not trying to knock your work - I think this is a beautifully expressed sentiment of longing.

    PS: run your work through a program like MS Word to check for spelling errors; words like rehearse and desires are misspelt as is stiking, I assumed you meant striking. Keep up the good work –I look forward to reading more of your work here.
     
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