Poetry Critiques : In the Afterglow

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by robryant1106, Feb 9, 2005.

  1. robryant1106

    robryant1106 Active Member MEMBER

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    In the Afterglow of our lovemaking session
    I lay here with you thinking, "oh what a blessing"
    To have you, my king, as the man in my life
    So honored you've asked me to become your wife

    I reflect on the sensuous sound of your voice
    It's hypnotic tone had left me with no choice
    But to submit to your every wish and desire
    Just the thought of your touch had ignited a fire

    Our bodies entangled in love's beautiful web
    Our souls intermingled as we lay in our bed
    And every movement increased our devotion
    If passion was water, then we were an ocean

    And what happened next was my wildest dream
    We took our lovemaking to the extreme
    With blindfolds and whips and chocolate whip cream
    The butt-naked hotness, the moans and the screams

    Momentum was building
    To lust we were yielding
    Unimaginable pleasure
    With you I was feeling

    And together we reached our orgasmic ends
    Both grateful to God that we're lovers and friends
    Now I lay in your arms saying, "I love you so"
    As we bask in the splendor of the afterglow :luvv:
     
  2. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    welcome to the poetry critique forum robryant1106...i see you came over here with guns blazin...this was an explosive piece that left the reader with images of hot flashes...hot enough to leave the mental in ashes...lol...ok, let me get to da critique...

    this was a freeform piece that usually had a 1122 rhyme'n scheme...you kept that up until....

    And what happened next was my wildest dream
    We took our lovemaking to the extreme
    With blindfolds and whips and chocolate whip cream
    The butt-naked hotness, the moans and the screams


    i really like this stanza...eventhough it had a 1111 rhyme'n scheme and it didn't follow your previous pattern...the lyrical content was butter...so i wouldn't change it...whips?...****, i'm skurred of you...:lol:.........ok, right after that you come with:

    Momentum was building
    To lust we were yielding
    Unimaginable pleasure
    With you I was feeling


    i know what you were try'n to say with this...i just wasn't feeling the order in which you used these words...maybe instead of
    To lust we were yielding...
    you could say something like this....
    the motions of our lust was yeilding
    and instead of
    Unimaginable pleasure
    With you I was feeling...

    you could say something like....
    emotions that made me touch the ceiling
    your sexual healing is what i was really feeling...


    these are just some minor suggestions for that stanza...overall..i really enjoyed this piece...thank you for come'n over to this side...i hope to see more of your work soon...

    one love
    khasm
     
  3. Akilah

    Akilah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I loved it... :luvv:
    Thank you for sharing
    this passionate flow with us !

    Much...
    Peace & Love
    Akilah :spinstar:
     
  4. robryant1106

    robryant1106 Active Member MEMBER

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    Momentum was building
    To lust we were yielding
    Unimaginable pleasure
    With you I was feeling


    Thanks for your suggestions, Khasm. I always felt something was a little off about that stanza, but I thought I would just leave it that way, because isn't good lovemaking a little off, too? A good experience isn't really just up and down, up and down, is it? :tongue3: Anyway, thanks for giving this an honest read and critique. :kiss:

    Akilah, thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :thanks:
     
  5. Khasm13

    Khasm13 STAFF STAFF

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    word is bond ro...sometimes skippin a beat can be unique...:wink:....lol
    keep bringin those thangs sis...
    one love
    khasm
     
  6. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    this was tyte and a great piece well written
     
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