Black Relationships : In a Relationship....... Who Should Be the Pursuer

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by LB2000L, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. LB2000L

    LB2000L Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Who should be the pursuer, the man or the woman? I had this discussion with 3 coworkers who are women and we are all in agreement, the man should pursue, the man has to show the woman that he wants to be married to her and he wants the relationship as much as she does. The roles in our society dictate that a man buy the ring, the man does the proposing and the woman either accepts or rejects the proposal. One woman I know was pursuing a man (her ex) who was 10 years older than her for 3 years. She finally met another man who was pursuing her and after dating him for a year, she married him and has been happily married for 2 years. One of my coworker's boyfriend is pursuing her and they will be married in a year. Now there are some successful cases where the woman proposed to the man and the man accepted and they ended up married happily ever after. So is it better to follow traditional roles and let the man pursue or is it better to do what works for each individual?
     
  2. LB2000L

    LB2000L Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I guess my view is that if a man really wants a woman, he will do whatever it takes to be with her.
     
  3. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    and if a woman wants a man...whose mind may not necessarily be on a relationship at the time--so he hasn't noticed her--should she just walk away from her desire because IT'S THE MAN'S ROLE to pursue the woman?

    personally, i've pursued and been pursued. generally, a man likes the chase. it's invigorating. it keeps him on his game--no not the playing game so don't get it twisted. the chase actually helps a man in socializing/communicating with women. it keeps him in tune with language trends...and forces him out of his shell. it keeps him exciting...in relating to the woman. THAT MAY NOT MAKE MUCH SENSE BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS. anyway, yes, i agree that, generally, the man is the pursuer. however, if a woman wants a man...and he hasn't noticed her attempts to make herself available...it's nothing wrong with her stepping up and letting him know that she's interested. it could only be that one statement--that she's interested. then he has the option of accepting or walking away. or, do you feel that that's demeaning for the woman?
     
  4. LB2000L

    LB2000L Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Exactly and if the woman takes over the man's role of pursuer, then he must take the passive role and the man will lose interest because the man is used to "chasing" a woman like you said. No, there is nothing wrong with a woman letting a man know that she is interested. When I talked with my coworkers', one of the women mentioned she heard that a woman who was in a long term relationship with a man for many years took charge and proposed to him and he accepted. Now we all agreed that it was nice that she proposed to him but we would not propose to a man. What would have happened if she didn't propose to him? He may or may not have proposed to her. Now maybe he felt pressured to accept her proposal, maybe he was happy she proposed so he didn't have to but I don't think that is why he waited all these years because as we said before a man who REALLY wants a woman will do whatever it takes to be with her. So she will never know what it feels like for him to propose to her because he genuinely wants to be with her.
     
  5. LB2000L

    LB2000L Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    A woman who lets a man know that she is interested is fine, she is subtle and lets him know that she likes football like he does, he knows to invite her to a game so he can get to know her better. But he still is taking charge by asking her. Some women assume the man's role and don't allow the man to do anything. Some women call a man, invite him out, pick him up, pay for dinner, pay for the hotel room and as they get to know him he moves in, the woman pays the rent, the bills, lets him use the car and he stays home. With a woman who does all that, the man has no initiative to do anything because the woman does it all.
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    hmmmm ... think'n ... :thinking:

    i might betta unchain da men shackled in my basement ... since they had no say in being in this relationship ... :thinking:

    :heart:

    Destee
     
  7. Asomfwaa

    Asomfwaa Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Personally, I think that we need to re-analyze the whole premise of relationships.

    One of my favorite readings in University was of an East African tradition similar to the debutante balls of Europe, though radically different. Essentially, the youth would gather and sexually segregate, the men on the ground level and the women on a roof. The men at the bottom would sing or dance (my memory is short) and the women on the roof would toss down a flower (or something) of theirs to a man of their interest. Who knows whether the men were successful at catching the article, but when he did find something, he searched amongst the descended women, likely whichever he most fancied, and asked whether the flower were hers. From that, the youth would pair off and couples were formed. It was a ritual to finding a suitor.

    Or separately, one thinks of how in a village setting, families know one another and parents are strongly influential in the partners (for a child needs to come into the world with the right parents.) So for instance, a man may have many female friends and a woman may have many male friends, but despite this, a man and woman need to bring in a child and an elder would need to be consulted thusly.

    This, I feel, is our way.

    However, this other way, of by chance meeting a partner, and meeting the partner for your own entertainment (rather than bringing in children) and separating your partner and yourself from your parents and community seems like some European stuff that Africans do not need to follow. It just seems like more of that self-fragmentation that makes the destruction of our community so easy.

    Were I powerful, I would make the youth friends with one another and very seriously encourage our elders to play an active role in pairing off our future for the better. As it is now, each of our people can not find one another--the community doesn't seem to care if people are pairing off.

    Were I powerful . . ..
     
  8. baller

    baller Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    is it not irrelevant how the introduction came about? isn't it what happens afterward that determines if they have chemistry? and once that chemistry connection is made, doesn't that determine how they progress? yes, some men are turned off by aggressive women. but they would be turned off by that woman even if they made the first move. but how many men would turn a woman down--for sex--if she offered? and if the sex is good, would he just walk away because she asked for it? and if he stayed, would he not, eventually, fall in love with her? and if he fell in love with her, and she proposed to him, would he not say yes...because he loves her, and wants to be with her--not because he feels obligated?

    there are a million scenarios that could play out. the bottom line is that the man will determine if he wants to be with the woman, or not. just like a woman determines if she wants to accept a man's interest, or not. if she proposes, and he accepts, it's because he wants to be with her...not because he feels obligated to say yes.

    the introduction, regardless of who makes it, just opens the door to the many possibilities tomorrow will bring. and, no, her taking the initiative doesn't mean that she's trying to usurp his role as the man in the relationship.

    just my opinion.
     
  9. LB2000L

    LB2000L Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    And that is my point and the point of my coworkers' as well. The man makes the decision as to whether or not he wants to be with the woman as you said. So the man must buy the ring and propose, the man must pursue and let the woman know that he wants her in his life.
     
  10. LB2000L

    LB2000L Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    It is true that it doesn't matter who proposes, the bottom line is that they both are happy together. Yes, the woman decides if she is interested in the man but if the man doesn't decide that he wants the woman in his life, the woman can be interested all day long but another woman will hold the man's heart.
     
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