Poetry Critiques : I'll do we

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by thaCoolest, Jun 18, 2009.

  1. thaCoolest

    thaCoolest Member MEMBER

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    from sunrise to set... I'll do we...
    and if it means sucking toes...
    and playing the trombone...
    and all while striking a pose...
    like 'vogue'... cheeeese... I'll do we..
    and from hair follicles to pedicured feet..
    from all the hills, and valleys and peaks in between...
    and on mondays... on tuesdays... holidays and all the humpdays
    on fridays week to week...
    and at the beckon call through the midst of it all… listen for the smallest whisper.. the uttered words you speak.
    ... just as sure as the seas..
    as easy as the breeze...
    and with megaphoned promises of the love complete.. I'll do we..
    ceromonial.. tribal... sacred.. and discreet...
    candles... incents... and with roses on bed sheets...
    I'll do we..
    and make you the love nest...
    make you the feast...
    eat till the skies pass by.. .. drink till your water runs into the street...
    be your king
    your pappa..
    your daddy
    your chief... wear a headdress...
    dedicate these days and many moons to fertilizing eggs and seeds..
    a site to behold... my treasure for all to see... I say alloud "I'll do WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... "
    committed...
    promised...
    publicly displayed and with fitted rings..
    and for all the days.. till the end of all times.. all circumstances and things..
    I'll do we.. and for bended knee.. and boxed jeweled presentation... prepacked speech..
    we have no need...
    I'll do we natural... onward.. everpresent... for keeps...
    as we were in the last life... the last go round... the last universe we seen...
    the one where I be u.. .
    where u be me
    and still it seems...
    we be we...
    so
    I'll
    do
    we.
     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    nice piece would love to seen this broken in a three verse for more depth
    ya pen holds fire and will keep flowing poet
     
  3. Kweku Ra Hotep

    Kweku Ra Hotep Member MEMBER

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    this has a great sound to it the rhythm is very hypnotic
     
  4. HSF Moe

    HSF Moe Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i can see this poem being whispered. definitely one to whisper sweet somethings right before trying to make a baby (or two).
     
  5. HODEE

    HODEE Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Great flow.
    You touched on all the commitment
    a loving long term relationship needs.

    You made the "We" became one in this flow.
    Your ending is fantastic.
    Keep sharing and flowing.
     
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