Poetry Critiques : IF

Discussion in 'Black Poetry - Get Your Flow On!' started by Orisons, Mar 8, 2006.

  1. Orisons

    Orisons Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I wrote this poem before I'd read or even heard of Rudyard Kipling's "IF" which always comes top of any large polls in the UK as to the most popular poem in English.

    However now that I have read Kipling's "IF" I'm sticking with this title because our perspectives couldn't be further apart.

    IF?​



    The FASHION Industry destroyed, what a sudden terrible shock,
    Sad DEBS constantly wearing the same dreary old style frocks.
    Whole sections of the Mass Media with nothing to regale/pursue
    Or critically review, Arty creative people needing new avenues.
    You could live on/thrive quite easily survive,
    With no food, in two weeks you’re no longer alive.

    What a BORE, a life vacuous without any good Shows/Plays,
    The Dramas, Comedies, Revues, Thrillers and Musicals waylaid.
    Superb classical Ballets and Contemporary Dancing shows too
    Lost forever, lively social events we can all look forward to.
    You could live on/thrive quite easily survive,
    With no food, in two weeks you’re no longer alive.

    Suppose you could never ever hear any sort of music again,
    No beautiful renditions of Bach/Schubert/Strauss or Chopin;
    All the Orchestras dismantled because they’ve nothing to do,
    Pop’s superstars redundant with only past glories to review.
    You could live on/thrive quite easily survive,
    With no food, in two weeks you’re no longer alive.

    With no Army or Navy, the Airforce virtually dissolved too,
    A peacefully productive civilian role’s endeavours to pursue.
    Safe DESTRUCTION of Nuclear Warheads/Bombs a sane thing to do,
    Weapons factories bankrupt, with no possible source of revenue.
    You could live on/thrive quite easily survive,
    With no food, in two weeks you’re no longer alive.

    Imagine the pains/discomforts we might all sadly go through
    Being subjugated by some so sickly malicious Country or view.
    Some would have to flee or die, for being too integral with an
    Establishment the NEW ELITE could/would never ever trust/rely.
    You could live on/thrive quite easily survive,
    With no food, in two weeks you’re no longer alive.

    Consensus says/dictates “Our Civilisation’s the only way”,
    For Mankind to live in FREEDOM? Of both religion and play;
    Making the cruel reality of our insane needs/total greed,
    Place us below LOWER ANIMALS as the World fatally bleeds.
    While you read this, thousands that could easily survive
    Endure appalling pain/suffering before being no longer alive.​

    Anyone who genuinely believes they are not programmed is graphically illustrating that their programming is COMPLETE! [HASTY my alter ego]!​

     
  2. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    very well written .......i like how you scribed it..
     
  3. Orisons

    Orisons Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Thank You.

    I was very fortunate with this piece because the workshop I first read it too were very supportive, especially an African American poet who very cleverly highligted that I had used "if" a couple of times in the early draft, whereas he felt the only "if" should be the title.

    I thought about his critique and agreed, thus the only "if" in this poem is the title.

    Anyone who genuinely believes they are not programmed is graphically illustrating that their programming is COMPLETE! [HASTY my alter ego]!​
     
  4. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    good point made ........Thankz for sharing your good word and
    poetic artistic , continue to share for upmost and true comments