Black Relationships : If you know your friend's man is cheating, should you tell?

Discussion in 'Black Relationships' started by Danilyn, Mar 12, 2002.

  1. Danilyn

    Danilyn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I have a friend, a very good friend, who's boyfriend of over a year is actively cheating with random girls. This is not something I just heard. It is something that I know. As her friend, do I have an obligation to tell her, or should I let her find out for herself? She is very serious about him, and has told me that she is at a point in her life where she wants to settle down. She has spent a lot of time and effort on this relationship, and I hate to see her waste her time on a lost cause. What should I do?
     
  2. alyce

    alyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I do concur with Kem (this is happening too often!!!) anyway, Danilyn, as he said, some people (especially women), don't/won't accept your warning. I also know from experience when my cousin's man, who was in college with me in the South, was playing openly, while she was in the West. And once she moved down where we were, she wasn't "allowed" on campus unless he escorted her there. She was blind and had all kinds of excuses for this strange behavior. When I told her straight out that he was cheating, she went off on me and accused me of all kinds of things. Including jealousy. This was hurtful because we were raised as sisters and had never fallen out about anything.

    Of course she was embarrassed and ashamed of herself when one of his women approached her with an engagement ring.....

    So it depends upon your situation. Are you willing to suffer the ridicule and accusations she might hurl at you? Or is she a reasonable kind of lady. (even the "reasonable" ones can turn when it comes to LUV). Weigh it out. But like Kem says... "seeing is believing". No doubt about that.

    Handle with care, sis. If she was ever a real friend, she will always be.

    a

    ps oh, and that woman married the scoundrel but they soon got a divorce...my cousin didn't lose out at all
     
  3. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    I would becareful here coz in most cases i've seen friendship
    end on dis note......maybe u should take her out to da place where those two meet forth she will see them her self coz
    telling her and knowing how she love him may hurt her more then
    she finding out herself.......i would let her know in a low key way
    but out right saying it can coz a problem even friendship
    and some times they get back together ........watch out here!
     
  4. Danilyn

    Danilyn Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    I haven't done anything yet. I appreciate everyone's point of view. I agree with the majority in that my friend could end up hating me. I like the idea of setting it up somehow where she can see for herself. I might try to get that together.
     
  5. j'hiah

    j'hiah Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    i say tell. she's your friend right? in the end she will know the truth anyway and you would have more respect.

    i mean why let her prolong the pretense situation.
    if she gets mad, so what it won't last.

    if she rails on you, then let her continue to get played..
    maan i've seen this type drama so many times
    it's like soap operas :puke:
     
  6. Destee

    Destee destee.com STAFF

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    Hi Danilyn, Great question Sis.

    I think most folk know when their intimate lover, partner, friend, etc., is cheating on them. How can you know of random occurrences and she isn't aware of one? Somewhere deep inside of herself, she knows, choosing rather to push it to the back of her conscious ... for whatever reason (good reasons in her own mind). Perhaps.

    You may even put more pressure on her, because she doesn't want you to know that she knows. Does not want you to think she'd tolerate such a situation. So now you've added to your friend's pressure, more stress ... "for her own good" ... and now she feels forced to act (toward you or him) when she was trying to handle things mentally, spiritually, physically ... in her own way. Perhaps.

    Another issue, unless you've actually seen with your own eyes this man having sex with someone else, etc., (and have hard evidence of it, i.e., pictures ... and even that isn't enough proof for some women)... then it could all be twisted as being your perception of him and his activities ... (and if you do have hard evidence, pics, etc., what's up with that?) ...

    If she doesn't have a clue right now and is doing as you mentioned above, making life plans for her and this man ... do you really think telling her is going to make her immediately begin doubting what he has so carefully put in place? Remember, she loves him and sees no wrong in him ... you'd be suggesting that she leave the man of her life, simply based on what you say ... are you bringing sunshine or rain into your dear friend's life? If what you say is true, the rain is coming anyway ...

    ... might wanna keep an extra umbrella in da trunk of yo' car :)

    Most folk have exactly what they want in their lives ... otherwise it wouldn't be there.

    Naaahhh ... I'd stay out of it ... but that's just me.

    Destee
     
  7. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    yeah! Destee she gotta know at some point and just ova looking
    da fact of he's cheating surely if one open up to tell her she might
    get mad i know friendship is not made of secrets but sometyme
    we have to stay out of thing and let them work dem self out
    ova all but sometime ya heart wont let u be on a hush hush!!
    it's hard thats true
    but u know ya friend so the point is can she take u telling her
    or will she blow up !!! dats da thing.......hummmmm! can't wait
    to see what u do next
     
  8. N2urSoul

    N2urSoul Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    Danilyn ~

    Out of curiousity, I'm wondering if you are also close friends with your homegirl's boyfriend...?? I mean close enough to the both of them that you could easily speak with either of the two about serious issues and such??

    If you do have a good relationship with the both of them, and are in a good enough position to be able to speak with the boyfriend(in confidence and out of concern for the two of them) about some of the things that you have either seen or heard, and how what you have heard or seen is putting you in an awkward and uncomfortable position because you care about the both of them... etc., etc.,

    Perhaps, depending upon your relationship with the two of them, this would offer another "avenue" to think about ....

    *notice that I've said ... it may offer another "avenue" to think about as an option, if your friendship is close with the two of them....??


    If not, I might just be inclined to go ahead & tell her, just as j'hiah has said, not because you intend to be hurtful, but because you may possess some information that she doesn't and as a friend, I think I would feel obligated to say something, however, I would have to understand that she may have many mixed up feelings towards me, our friendship, she may even be more guarded about her relationship with 'him' etc. So you should know what things to 'possibly' expect from whatever you choose to do.
    N2:)
     
  9. $$RICH$$

    $$RICH$$ Lyon King Admin. STAFF

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    yes indeed N2 sometime we must do whats right
    knowin he's cheating in all but if she is a friend of the both
    then go to him let him know what u know and if he don't stop then tell it all coz he just don't care.........if da friendship is like
    a sistahly bond then i would tell fo sho coz we r like dat!
    but if not then watch how u go to her to open da door to reality
    of her man cheating........words from above)))
     
  10. alyce

    alyce Well-Known Member MEMBER

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    go there Kem...I've seen it too... might be best to leave it alone and suffer being accused of "knowing", after-the-fact....one can always say, "girl, you believed the sun rose and set in that n's ***...you wouldn't have believed me"....or "we tried to tell you, but".....
     
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